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Something’s not right

Cats
Casual Contributor

Not again

I've been living with depression and anxiety for almost 10 years now however I've recently hit what feels like rock bottom. Every time I have fall back into this state I just feel so hopeless and angry with myself for feeling this way. Counterproductive I know! I just feel empty, hopeless and just so, so down and then I get even more depressed thinking about how I've let myself get to this point. I started going to therapy again earlier this year to try and stay on top of my mental health however since digging deeper into my childhood trauma Ive noticed that I'm even worse than I was going into he therapy. I can't seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm honestly so over myself. I haven't been to work in so long. I can't get out of bed. I can't be a good partner or friend. I just don't know what to do anymore. 

7 REPLIES 7

Re: Not again

Hi @Cats and welcome to the forums.

Sorry to hear how rough things are at the moment. Have you brought these current things up with your therapist (i.e. feeling worse, not working etc.) and what do they say about it?

I've heard the saying that it usually gets worse before it gets better, but I'm hearing you that drudging through it can certainly get a bit much.

Re: Not again

hi @Cats 

I have an childhood history of extreme trauma. I've had a lot of bad therapy. Most therapists fired me because they found the trauma too disturbing & told me I was untreatable & too damaged. I think @TheVorticon  has a good point, you need to confront your therapist with honest feedback. I think it's important to stop bad therapy if it's retraumatising you, that will compound the damage the trauma did.

 

Have you seen a psychiatrist? Things improved for me when I saw a psychiatrist & got somewhat effective medication. Maybe you need to see what a psychiatrist has to say.

Cats
Casual Contributor

Re: Not again

Thanks for responding! I'm seeing my psych tomorrow so will definitely bring up how bad I am feeling. I know therapy is a safe space but every time I vocalise that I am regressing I feel guilty - like I'm going backwards. It's of no fault of my psych - I know I'm reading too much into it but I can't help but feel like my progress is not enough. 

Cats
Casual Contributor

Re: Not again

Thanks @BryanaCamp 

 

I've been pretty happy with my current psych - I used to see them years ago but lost contact once I had been starting to get back on my feet. It's been very helpful talking to someone who knows most of my history. I agree with you on what you've said about revisiting trauma - I don't neccessarily get upset with what I specifically went through but I get upset about having to talk about it if that makes sense? Will definitely bring it up with them and maybe work on some better strategies of dealing with my past. 

 

I've have been on a SSRI antidepressant for over 2 years now and that usually helps me day to day however the past month I've noticed that my energy and motivation for life has been at an all time low.

Re: Not again

 @Cats  I'm so sorry you feel how you do.

 

I can relate almost exactly to what you describe - it's almost as though you were describing my history! Of course everyone and everyone's experience is different (even when they sound the same), but there are a few positives I can offer in the hope they might help a bit.

 

In my case I also had to do some digging into the past / my childhood. It wasn't easy and initially brought up more pain. However, in time, it definitely helped. So it did get worse, but then it got better (thank goodness!!). Hopefully the same happens for you. 

 

I had also managed depression fairly successfully for many years on a certain medication - but then started to feel really crappy again. In my case, with my psychiatrist's support, a change in medication made a big difference. Of course I'm not advocating that for you - meds etc are entirely up to you and your psychiatrist / dr - I'm just saying there are changes / other options that might help.

 

The brilliant thing is you seem to have a great relationship with your psych - and I agree if you have that connection, having someone who knows you and your history is great. That way even when you haven't seen them for a while, they are well placed to help again.

 

Btw - going back to bringing old pain back to the surface - it's been explained to me (and I've read) that sometimes when we're younger we bury certain feelings, experiences (including trauma) or memories in order to cope with them. We might also develop certain self protection mechanisms / habits to try and stop that painful experience happening again (eg we might keep people at a safe distance so they can't hurt us). However, unfortunately the buried pain doesn't necessarily go away, and side effects of our coping mechanism (eg loneliness) might even add to it over time. If the 'buried pain' gets too big it can resurface (some say when we're strong enough to deal with it). That can make us go from travelling along ok, to all of a sudden feeling like crap (without us knowing why).  

 

In order to ease the resurfacing pain it might be necessary to revisit the initial cause. This can make us feel even worse initially. Particularly because our brain can make revisiting the initial pain feel like we're going through it all over again. Yuk! However, addressing the initial cause (and perhaps learning to let go of our coping mechanism) can help us feel better. Ideally even better than before the intial pain resurfaced (fingers crossed!!).

 

The 'buried pain' is a bit like a beach ball we're holding under the water. Initially we can keep it under and everything seems fine on the surface. However, as it keeps inflating, holding it under gets harder and harder. Eventually it pops out of the water - causing pain (seemingly from nowhere). Plus we're exhausted from trying to keep it under. So we might feel like crap and have no energy. To feel better we need to examine the beach ball - which hurts even more - but is the only way to find the valve, open it, and let the air out. 

 

PS - I also had long periods off work. It sucks, but if that's what you need to get better, try to give yourself that permission. It might be frustrating etc (and financially challenging), but pushing yourself too hard too soon might mean more time off in the long run. Taking the time you and your Doctor think you need might lead to a fuller recovery and a smoother more permanent return to work when the time is right.  

 

I hope some of this helps. 

 

Sending support and best wishes,

GTT

Re: Not again

No I don't know what you mean @Cats 

 

I had a therapist scream at the top of her lungs, "you don't think you'll ever get any better do you !?"

 

I fired her after that. And yes, I thought I'd get better, otherwise why would I rock up being extraordinarily vulnerable & candid to her. I fired her but paid her her full fee for abusing me - low self-esteem & reliance on a trusted therapist does that to you.

 

No, I don't understand what your therapist did to you that was below ethical conduct. I don't understand what your grievance is with your therapist.

 

and now I must tend to my kitty cat who is walking on my key boardand is much better theray than any quack ever offered me.

 

 

Cats
Casual Contributor

Re: Not again

Hi @BryanaCamp 

 

I don't have a grievance with my therapist. I never said I did. I didn't say that what they did was below ethical conduct. 

 

I'm sorry you had such an awful experience with your past therapist. That shouldn't happen to anyone. 

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