Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

About two months ago I posted On had ended my relationship. I gave it another chance, but here I am again. I'm too damn tired to even talk about the grief and loss of it. I'm.actuslly damn tired of grief and loss altogether. 

My name is Ramble Grief entire life loss. I'm 41 years old and feel 65 in my body. I just have no energy. Not to be confused with depression. No energy to pick myself up. I don't even know what to do to pick myself up. It takes so much energy just to get through one day and the bigger the day, it takes many days of rest and sleep to get to some point of functioning again. 

I don't even know how to explain it to people who rely on me for things. I can't offload tasks as there is no one to offload to. The split has hit me like two semi trucks. 

I'm.in financial.difficulty, I'm moving out of the house we share together, I already was dealing with prior grief and loss, now there is more. I have the seven year anniversary of a friend's death coming up.on Nov 15th. My anniversary was on Christmas Eve and I dare got excited about Christmas this year, that's gone now, I've ended a relationship and I just have zero energy. 

I know, ask for help right. Everything just feels too overwhelming. I put a lot if time and energy into my relationship. Unhealthily too much time and energy. 

I don't have energy to talk to anyone about my problems, most times it actually makes things worse to talk. I guess it doesn't help that in my relationship, I was stone walled, ignored for days on end and generally felt like I was always begging to talk, to be heard and feeling like this annoying, whining person who was just so damn inconvenient. 

That's how I felt. I learnt that I was unworthy of attention, unworthy of being heard and listened to, really hurt so horribly, and just started to shut down from expressing myself over time. Now that Zive finished it, talking is just not something I'm even interested in and no surprises there, they are evidently not either. 

The reason, they are struggling. Don't know what with, but it's just not a good enough reason to have treated me in this way. Of course there are more reasons I ended it. I'm totally burnt out and depleted. I know getting into some vitamins will help. Again, financial difficulties. 

I don't get many responses to my posts usually. I suppose good to get it all out. 

[Maggie]

@Powderfinger  I’m hearing how tired and alone you are feeling. Sometimes, too tired to even read, I’ve been there many times.

I’ll just sit here quietly with you , If that’s ok. I’m not a talker, but I’m told I’m a good listener.

I don’t get many responses to my posts either.

[rockypug]

Hi @Powderfinger 

I can see you are having a hard time. 

How are you feeling at this stage ? It's hasb een awhile since you posted and I see there's not my supportive posts. 

Please know that we care for you here and I hope that you'll contact the emergency lines if you need

someone to talk to . 

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

[Powderfinger]

@Maggie 

I know there are DEFINITELY two things that have changed about me in this. 

1. I don't feel the need to talk.as much, since I was shut down, ignored and made to feel invisible in the relationship. No it was never and will never be ok for treating me like that but the need to no longer speak as much, surprisingly us liberating and refreshing for a change. 

2. I've finally BROKEN FREE after 35 years of helping every single persom, starting with my pathetic child parents and everyone else from thereonin. I've learnt many truths and gained wisdom. I FINALLY let go of taking on such burdens and responsibilities that are not my own. In fact, doing this for 35 years caused everyone else a disservice including me. I carry no more concern for my, mother, sister, niece not ex for how their lives end up or have ended up. I'm completely free of it. It wasn't my fault as a child and young adult what got put onto me and the abuse that was inflicted upon me. There comes a day though where that child grows up and consequences are dealt out either naturally or intentionally. 

I'm sorry your posts don't get responded to. People have things to offer each other here, but they don't use it. It's a beautiful community that could make more of a difference in each other's lives. 

Take care. 

Ramble. 

[Anastasia]

Hello @Powderfinger and @Maggie 

I don't normally find myself on the home page and as I was looking for someone I felt I wanted to check on stumbled across your post.

So firstly "hello" Ramble it is nice to meet you and I already "know" Maggie but it is really lovely to see you my friend, I have missed your presence 🙂

I am sorry to hear your story Ramble you have been through and still going through so much 😞

Break ups are horrid and bring out every emotion in the book. I am not surprised you feel 65.  I have had my fair share of horriffic break ups so whilst I don't have a lot of words of wisdom today I do hear you and validate your feelings. I am happy for you to tag me anytime. When I am in the office it is difficult to spend time here but I always pop in to check in/on my family. 🙂 🙂 

Sending you both hugs and hugs and more hugs xox

[Maggie]

@Anastasia  You are a sweetheart. I do appreciate you. ❣️❣️❣️

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

Thanks for your reply. I'm so spent and just realised why I'm not capable of putting two and two together. Cause I'm too tired. Thanks for validating my feelings and thoughts. I come and go. I'm here sometimes, then gone for a stretch of time. I always see things in my emails though. 

[Anastasia]

Words are not necessary @Powderfinger 

Just take care of you and I'm only ever a tag away xxx💞

@Maggie 💞

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

Thank you very much. 

[Maggie]

@Powderfinger  I think childhood abuse can leave some of us carrying loads we were never meant to carry. Breaking free from the weight, finding time for you, is necessary.

If you are anything like me, and it’s highly likely you are not, finding freedom takes time to adjust to. 

I dont know if you have mentioned it previouseky, but have you considered your partner might have narcissistic tendencies ? Just a question, as some behaviour seems to lead that way from you description. But I don’t want to fill you will more puzzles to unpick. So take it or leave it, whatever is best for you.

I hope today is good to you, in many ways. Take care.