Lived Experience Forum

[greenpea]

I want to scream  .... it is churning me up inside .

Down in a Hole

Alice In Chains

Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb, in bloom

Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they thought
I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who won't let himself be

Down in a hole, feelin' so small
Down in a hole, losin' my soul
I'd like to fly, but my wings have been so denied

Down in a hole and they've put all the stones in their place
I've eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more of my feelings beneath

Down in a hole, feelin' so small
Down in a hole, losin' my soul
I'd like to fly but my wings…

[outlander]

I cant even handle the kids anymore 😞
Their constant talking is so overwhelming. The youngest is always arguing over everything and im just really over it and its only been 2 hours. I dont want to do it anymore. I just want to go away. Some sister i am hey

[Former-Member]

You knew!!! You knew and you did not stop to think that maybe that was the straw that broke a 13yrs back. That maybe all the bad behaviour was just trying to get someone's attention! Now I am questioning weather you knew about the rest. Did you know it started at 5???? Could you have protected me all along. I have never blamed you, always defending you, thinking that you did the best you could. I am done. Thank you for nothing 

[Kritika]

Hi @Crazy_Bug_Lady
I feel the same I feel like I am never coming out of this. It's difficult todo even smallest of small things and get treated like a puppet for everything by voices. It's really frustrating and scary. I met my pyschiatrist the first-time she just said me to have good sleep ,eat and be mindful practice meditation. I dony know of she is guiding me in right direction!? cause this all is important and necessary but I was expecting more from her for guidance cause when it gets worse it's hard or can say cannot be controlled. I need someone to help me out. I want to come out of my situation and Breathe! Feel things around me! Do routine with ease! 😍
And cause even talking about everything going on with you is soo hard and I don't like pushing me everytime but that still happens.

[Adge]

Living on my own as a long-term trauma survivor is often intolerable.

No regular social interaction or connectedness.

It's not easier than when living with & caring for/ supporting someone else - because I've been there  (done that).

I have physical disabilities & chronic ill health conditions - yet no-one is with me here in person to offer any support or to even notice.

Adge

[Former-Member]

I have never been so scared to be by myself. The quiet is deafening, the emptiness of the house seems to be swallowing me whole. Looking around there are no signs that anyone else lives here anyway. Where are the family photos? Where is the shirts, socks, pants that are usually scattered all over the place. It doesn't look like anyone would even miss me. 

I am as safe as I can be

[Tortoiseshell]

Hey @Former-Member, that sounds really terrifying and lonely. Thank you for clarifying you are as safe as you can be right now. Please don't hesitate to reach out to services or people you trust if this changes. Sitting with you 🌻 

[Former-Member]

I was getting along OK until a few minutes ago. I am trying not to read to much into this. But it's hurting me. A few years ago my hubby went out and spent the day kayaking with a women from his work. She is married. He went alone with her. I know he enjoyed being with her. Her personality is very different to mine, sort of bubbly. He went on a day that I was away. I got home before him. When he walked in the door he seemed different. And looked at me oddly, I sort of felt like I was not measuring up to something and it looked like he was comparing me to something going on in his head. It come out that he had spent time with this women. I don't believe he would have ever told me about it. So I must have asked him. He has hidden things from me before. Anyway at that time it broke my heart so much. A deep crushing, aching feeling in my soul. And I felt betrayed ( I feeling that was new to me) But it hurt so so much. And I could no longer trust him to be truthful. We did talk about it a bit. But I believe he thinks he did nothing wrong. 

Just a while ago this morning I found out he was texting her. The feelings from the other time came back. And I can feel my person and  soul sort of shrinking back inside me. And the detached sense is here. Far away sense. I don't like to be in this place. I don't know how to handle all this. I don't know if I should confront him. We don't communicate well anyway. I don't want to hate him. But I don't like what he is doing its tearing my heart out. And how to I know for certain he is not seeing her?

This is a time I just want to close my eyes and never open them again. 

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hi @Former-Member,

I am sorry to see you are having a difficult time. What you are going through sounds really challenging. I have sent you an email just to check in on you. I hope that expressing your feelings on the forum is helpful today  

Take care

Peregrinefalcon

[Former-Member]

Feeling cold and empty and alone. Lost my way and can't find my way back. Fell in love and made amazing friends but somehow lost it all. It will never be the same and that's too much pain right now. I am sorry