So this was my first post that got removed....
My journey with the worst hospital in the state begain in 2013. First is the backstory...I had taken a trip to New Zealand with my partner and children to say goodbye to his ailing grandfather. My partner was adopted but he was very close with his adopted mothers grandfather. L is adopted mother to S (my partner). L and S have always had a rocky relationship, this woman really messed him up permanently. I believe he aslo has BPD (another thread there too). L had caused issues for me in the past by calling child protection (no grounds for there involvement), from another country having never met me in person, and only speaking to me a few times over the phone. L had visited us once and it wasn't a great experience, afterwards they faught and we didn't have contact for a few years. I was very hesitant to go as she paid for the trip, and I knew there would be issues.
From day one it was a disaster, she wanted us to only stay a few days with her father and then travel half a days drive away for the rest of the two weeks. This sparked a huge fight between L and S which I got dragged into the middle of. To add to the stress S had found his birth father who lived in the same town we were staying. He decided to meet his father M for the first time alone, and then take the kids and I the same day to meet M. He didn't want L involved in any way, she causes issues.
So the morning we were leaving to stay at L's house we realised the kids had left the ipod at M's house. L desperately wanted to come and wasn't happy we left her with the kids and drove to get the ipod from M. Long story short L cracked it and had all our stuff on the ground outside the hotel room as she was in a panic it was checkout time at a small country hotel. S cracked it back in a big way, L got in the car and drove off. Leaving us stranded with no where to stay, no money to cover accommodation and no transport. The only person we could call was M, who drove down and brought us back to his place and offered us a place to stay for the night. We just needed a place to go with a phone, and wait until S could call an aunt when she finished work that evening to put us up for a night.
We actually had a good afternoon getting to know M, and then his wife came home. S had gone to get some groceries, and I was there alone with M and the kids. She walks up very close to me and starts abusing me for taking advantage and implying we're gold diggers...I was so shocked I couldn't say a word and she didn't let me anyway. This was the last straw in an already stressful situation. I broke down and called my mum back home to send us money so we could at least stay and spend the remaining time with S's grandfather. For the first time S and I pulled together and after 8 years he finally proposed while on that trip.
When I got home I was exhausted emotionally and mentally, I had to be strong while I was there to support S. I was working part time and had just finished uni for the year. Suddenly I couldn't face going to work and I stopped getting shifts. I withdrew and became depressed and difficult to live with. Things had been bad many times through out my life, but there were never this bad. Through the years I had taken medication on and off to control the "depression" I was always diagnosed with when I would see a GP. Months before the trip I was taking medication after my dose increasing over a two year period I found the medication was no longer effective and I stopped taking it.
So at the start of 2013 I went to my GP and explained I wasn't coping. Again I got told I just have depression and I think she prescribed me A. I wasn't happy with this, I knew it was something more serious than just depression. This is where things get very hazy for me, I wasn't in a good state of mind. I was suicidal and was making plans to end my life. I had planned how I would do it, it was just a matter of deciding when and gathering the tools needed. I decided to take myself to a different GP, one that I had heard was good a diagnosing mental illness. This GP said he thought I had all the signs of Bi Polar, he prescribed me L. The following month was one of the worst....massive drug reaction that caused daily migraines. I went back to my regular GP and told her about the side effects, she said keep taking it and was convinced the migraines were something else. I kept going back and she kept ignoring me. Finally I took myself to the hospital where I never did see a doctor as I waited for 6 hours and couldn't handle the noise any longer. I stopped taking the L after researching the side effects myself. Within 2 days I was back to normal. At this point my GP did finally give me a mental health plan and I found a pyschologist.
Meanwhile my mental state was deteriorating further, at some point police where called to my house and I was taken to shitty Hopstial in an ambulance. This happened 2 or 3 times in the period of a few months. I started seeing a psychologist and this guy was useless. After 6 sessions the only advice, help, or diagnosis that he gave me was to say he agreed I had bipolar and he wrote a support letter for court. I stopped seeing him.
On one of the occasions I was escorted to hospital by the police. I was actually allowed to see the gate keeper. The gate keeper is the person who decides if you need to be admitted. Honestly at this time I thought I did need admittance and someone looking at my medication. I had been prescibe downer for when my mood became out of control. I discussed with this person how I was feeling and how I hated taken the downer which made me a zombie. Some of the quotes from this conversation "What do you expect me to do about it?" when asking for help. "I don't have time for this, I have a meeting to get to" when S realised I was going to be realeased again with no help. This person even put his hand up in front of S's face as if to say talk to the hand. I was litterally screaming at him to do something to stop me from killing myself, and the response was "take a downer" and writing down some meaningless words on a piece of paper that he handed to me.
After each of these interactions with the hospital I was sent to the Community Mental Health service (still under shitty hospital services) here I was seen by a "psychiatrist" and a "security person". Always with two workers in the room. The first time one was a very heavy set bald man, who I found intimidating (again this becomes relevant later). Each meeting here I poured my heart out and told them how I had been diagnosed with Bi polar, each time I was told no you just have depression. They would call me a day or two later, and then the following week I would get a letter saying I've been discharged back to the care of my GP.
I would go back to my GP (I'd swapped by this point to a new one) and he would have no clue what to do other than prescibe me an anti depressant. By now I think we were into midway through 2013. I made an appointment with a pyschiatrist, I'd never seen one before and I thought I needed to do this to claim disability. I was that messed up I couldn't work and I was finding it near impossible to access services not being "disabled". Anyway I went to see psychiatrist , it took 6 months to finally get an appointment. He saw me for 35 minutes, let me do all the talking and at the end said I have Bi Polar II and to see a colleague of his.
I saw his female colleague twice. Appointments were made, but there were cancelled on me, made at the wrong clinic, and then I was charged for an appointment I missed. So I stopped going and decided I'd have to just keep battling on by myself. dr prescribed something. I'm not sure what my starting dose was but at the highest level I was on 600mg. I'd decided to go back to the original psych at this point and give him another go, again after 4 sessions I realised he was useless. During this time I was studying full time at uni, it was the only thing that kept me going. I have no idea how I was able to function on the high dose of s and still get top marks. I threw myself into my studies and everything else ceased to matter. It kept me stable, but my family life suffered.
Fast forward to 2014 I'd graduated and had decided to take a year or two off before going back to work to reconnect with the kids who were now both at primary school. Things were ok, but only because the medication made me a zombie.We decided to have a third child, we have two girls and really wanted a boy. The months leading up to the pregnancy were great, I'd joined the gym and S and I were closer than ever. A month or two into the pregnancy everything changes, the depression and sadness came back. I started wishing I wasn't pregnant so I could end my life. Of finding out I was pregnant my GP urged me to stop my s, so I started to reduce me dose. This triggered the bad feelings again.
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN