Lived Experience Forum

[ClockFace]

I cant say that I am a man of significant faith, I believe in God in as much as I was brought up in a Christian home, kinda restrictive/strict Christian home, God was often used as the reason for Mum and Dads rules that had no Christian basis. Anyhow, we had to go to pretty much every Church meeting, Dad ended up as a senior leader, we had people over from Church, for some reason, dispite their seriously disfuntional relationship, they did marriage councilling. I was involved in playing guitar and bits and pieces but in the end I left, in a big part because I saw just way too much hypocracy, mainly with my Dad but also with other leaders. I joined back up later in life and left for a number of reasons but hypocracy was again a big one. So I still believe in God but it has waned.

I say this because I cant help but see God at work in my finances. For the past few weeks I have been selling things, just as I need extra money to make ends meet. Today, my Mum brought up a protein powder that she had tried of mine some time ago, a protein powder I just so happened to be trying to offload for some time with no luck and she decided to buy it. A bit extra money, shortly after I got a phone call about a bill that had been getting waived due to my situation but the waiver had expired and I didnt catch the email and so I hadnt been paying the bill for a couple months. They decided to do a 1/2 waiver until I return to work, but that still left me with a bill I hadnt budgetted for, but I hadnt budgetted for selling the protein powder either and even after paying the bill, I still have a fair bit left.

Its a little hard to explain and some might say its just coincidence but the regularity and number of times Ive come into money via selling stuff, dividend payments (I get shares from work but cant sell for 3 years), Mum randomly giving me some money, just unexpected money ending up in my account the day of or day before I need money to get by. I cant explain it other than devine intervention.

I decided to ring my Sleep Specialist today and see if there were any cancellations so I could get in earlier to see them. Im supposed to see them on the 19th March, now Im seeing them on the 27th Feb, which is awesome. All my results from my sleep studies etc should be in which means they should have a diagnosis and potentially a treatment protocol which with any good fortune will mean that I will be able to get some real sleep, maybe even sleep for a decent length of time, Im not holding my breath on the second part. Other that I might feel a hell of a lot better, I might, maybe, be able to look at considering going back to work, even if its part time.

I doubt that will happen quickly, I was working from home before I went off sick, Ill be aiming to go back to that. I dont handle being in the office very well and the longer Im away the less Im going to. There’s too many people, its too noisy, I get way too anxious, like I have panic attacks being in the offices. Plus the drive, currently with my restrictions I wouldnt be able to drive that far and I imagine the restictions will take a while to be lifted even after treatment starts. With the reduction in pain meds, Im not sure how Id go with the travel to and from work on a daily basis. Getting around the complex would be near on impossible as well, I wouldnt be able to walk from one end to the other, not without having a decent break 1/2 way. I am however, really really keen on returning to work, if I can manage it.

This all depends on if work decides to keep me employed, as they are considering my employment given how long Ive been off work sick, at the moment.

Im trying a herbal suppliment that apparently helps with stress and weight amoungst other things, this one has an additional herb to support sleep. It certainly calms me down, I have a few nights to go to determine if I actually have longer stints at sleeping.

Ive lost an amount of weight since the begining of the year, less than I would have liked but still a decent amount of weight. I told Mum today how much and she replied that she would have thought that I would have been able to lose that amount fortnightly. I have no idea what she is basing that belief on but I would have lost a considerable amount of weight if I had lost it as she thought Id be able too. Its pretty shit, I shared that I had lost more weight, Ive dropped quite a bit in total and her responce is that it isnt enough. On the other hand, she has been trying, using the same medication for several months longer than me and we have basically lost the same amount of weight, not that its a competition, but she isnt losing massive amounts. Just say your happy/impressed with the weight loss Ive had and shut up.

Mum came down from her room to the main part of the house today and then got Dad to help do some measuring. I dont know what was going on but he wasnt keeping up with what she was wanting him to do and she made sure he was aware she wasnt happy about it. She would ask him to do something once and if he didnt do exactly what she wanted of him the way she would talk to him from then was horrible. Rather than explaining herself or asking nicely again she would aggressivly reiterate what she wanted, word for word, often like one word fullstop, next word etc. Dont get me wrong, Dad can be incredibly frustrating. He was supposed to transfer the payment for the Protein Powder to me last night, I reminded him a couple times and he still didnt do it and thats a common thing, he will make it as frustrating as possible. But I dont think its right that she talk to him in such a degrading way. I couldnt listen to it and ended up leaving. There is no point saying anything to Mum, I have before, she doesnt think she is doing anything wrong, she thinks she is completly justified because Dad is deliberatly being annoing just to frustrate her or he talks to her like shit so she can talk to him like shit. She complains all the time that he comes down to her room and the way he talks to her is horrible or the way he looks at her, his eyes. Generally, its in relation to when he is telling her no to something or he has gotten frustrated and sternly said enough, when she asks for the same thing over and over.

I get the same comments, that I speak to her rudely or disrespectfully when I say that Im not going to do something or I dont agree with her about something. Its the way I say something that becomes the focus not the content of what is being said. Its amazing that no matter how frustrated you are that Mum has harped on about something and you have kindly said no 3 million times before, the time you have a bit of grrr in your voice because you cant do anything to hide it anymore, she cracks the shits with the “way” I spoke. But if you dont understand her instructions the first time she talks to you like you’re a moron and really grrr at you.

On the other hand, maybe Dad does actually talk to Mum like shit, maybe he does treat her really badly when no one is around. He does tend to be one way with witnesses and another when your alone with him. He and my sister think they have an image to protect but we all know them well enough to know the real them and that image is gone, only Mum seems to keep believing my sisters efforts to control her image.

Turns out Im a couple days short of my shakes, I can get them from Woolies, again its fortunate that I sold that stuff to Mum as that will pay for it.

You know, I look at my Mum and Dad and how my sister has turned out and the things about them that I abhore about them, the way they talk to each other, the way they treat people, the duplicity and self serving nature and I cant help but question how much of that is in me. I mean I grew up in the same household etc. Though I was treated pretty differently to my sister, you would have to assume that the core things would still pass on to me. I know I put my needs ahead of others, but that has come about out of necessity, mainly since I was injured and more so since I got sick. The way they treat my issues and how they impact me, I had no choice but to stand up for myself and prioritise me over them to save myself a lot of pain and difficulties. I suppose thats a nice and simple justification. Maybe I see in them what I hate about what I see in myself. Maybe, I am as toxic as they are.

I said to Mum yesterday that I think part of the reason why her and Dad have such difficulties is that their priorities are so different. She replied that his were working and hers were the family. Its really bugged me because nothing she is on about does the “family” want, its her that wants it. If her priority was the family she would be trying to create a peaceful atmosphere at home not more arguments and discord. I mean she is on about a block of land that was sold to help pay for the house we are now in, a house she was desperate to have but she also wanted to build on the block of land, something she had wanted to do for a decade before. She carries on about the house she was going to build and how it would support myself and my sister after they die etc. There was no discussion with me if I wanted that, which I dont, I dont want to live (and financially support) my sister when my parents pass away, besides which I will likely be in assisted living not long after they go. No one wants to build another house, except her, we have all done our time doing that shit. No one wants to do that much to the house we are in except her. No one wanted to keep buying shit from random people across the state for her, except her, especially given none of it was used it was just stored. She goes on about the priority being family but its not, its the shit she wants in the name of family.

Dad isnt much different, he says he is outside fixing stuff and building stuff for the family but its not, most of it is stuff Mum has wanted that no one else cares about. The stuff the family does care about is fixing the shit that is wrong inside, like shower doors that dont shut, finishing cleaning the laundry that he pulled apart, vacuuming more than once every 7-10 days, given we have 4 dogs there is dog hair all the time and I cant vacuum, neither can Mum. Come inside and do some of the stuff we cant do or organise something so they can be done if you cant (he has physical problems too). I dunno, building raised garden beds for around the verandah doesnt seem nearly as important than fixing a broken shower screen door. He isnt doing stuff for the family, he is doing stuff to avoid working inside and doing anything he thinks remotely seems like “womens” work. That I can do (cleaning etc), which makes me wonder what he thinks of me. I dont have a problem doing the dishes etc, but I am limited on what I can do, which is why I am trying to get onto NDIS to help with the things I cant do. Dad seems to think that I should just do it regardless and is leaving more and more of the inside stuff as if he is leaving it to me. Like, he was doing something and then all the sudden, without saying anything he just stops, like he is expecting me to pick up the task, without being asked, without finding out if I can handle it. Im not saying I do heaps, I dont. I have a couple of tasks I do and thats it but its not like they dont irritate my issues. Like I wipe the kitchen benches over each day, doesnt sound like much but it puts a fair bit of pressure on my back and its not the most painless experience I have, but I manage. But I dont think I can add cleaning the toilet and the bathroom on top of that and not end up in crippling pain. He is also doing this when I am reducing pain medication and I am finding the jobs I do now, harder and more painful to do. Like, packing and unpacking the dishwasher, bending over and over and over again, seriously Im suprised Im still managing to do it. But for whatever reason, he doesnt see it, he just sees me sitting at my tablets ‘doing nothing’ and assumes or wants me to just do more housework. BTW my ‘doing nothing’ at my tablets I have been working on developing my budget throughout to the end of the year and my meal plan for the foreseeable future. Its not a simple thing for me to do, Im not as switched on as I used to be and its not like I have a budgetting system to base mine off. Its based off something my Mum taught me when I first started working but that was cash based (I got paid in cash when I first started working) and I have developed it into a digital version. Trying to do that hasnt been straight forward, Ive built an Excel Workbook and I have an app as well for the reporting. But there is nothing that allows you to budget in advance really, not well anyhow. So I built that myself.

Im planning on learning how to write apps for Android (initially) and the first app Im going to write is an app based on my budgetting system. Its probably a fair bit ambitious but I am like that and it will be a good opportunity to learn and put in practice what I have learnt. Id want to build it as much for me as for helping others find a different way, a way I think is simpler for the average person to understand.

I had my appointment with my Sleep Specialist yesterday afternoon. My results from my sleep study without my machine were pretty horrid. 30 apneas an hour is considered severe, Im having 115. My blood oxygen is around 73-87% which isnt so great. So they have increased my pressure of my machine from 5-15 to 10-15 and gonna see if that helps. I see the specialist again in 3-4 months, I make an appointment today. If Im still having issues they are going to add oxygen therapy to my treatment protocol.

I got to try and not sleep on my back, I have no idea how I do that. I have central and obstructive sleep apnea and the central gets worse if I am on my back. She also talked about my insomnia, has before too, its pretty bad, but she hasnt given me any ideas how to combat it. Its not like what you think about when you think insomnia, I fall asleep in minutes, I just cant stay asleep for more than a couple hours. I sent an email after the appointment, she wanted my medication list, and asked about how to stop sleeping on my back and the insomnia. Have to see what she has to say.

[ClockFace]

I am trying to sell a heap of stuff on eBay and Facebook. I have a guy who has said he would buy a bunch of stuff but two weeks later we are still dancing the same dance and Im really kinda sick of it. Ive been trying to be nice but Ive just flat out asked if Im wasting my time. Ive lost a sale of a smaller amount of stuff because of this. I dont get why people play games like this, its so freaking frustrating and worse still I pretty much need this money. The new budget is working, but there are teething problems. Im still trying to work out some stuff that Ill be consuming regularly. Like, I have a pretty standard meal/drink plan, flavors of my shakes and meals cycle through a list of them, a short list a few of each but everything else is pretty well the same thing every day. But Im still working out my meals and Ive ade a few changes to my drinks, the idea being long term a bit of variety in my meals, or Id just be having a selection from 2 different meals, and long term a cheaper daily cost that still provides the right amount of protein, carbs, fats etc. The hassle is setting up and trying flavors costs money. That and I had a couple of costs I didnt expect. For the NDIS I need to have my birth certificate, I have no idea where that is and Ive been through my room top to bottom so I had to get a new one, $106 gone in seconds. I also didnt realise I was supposed to be paying my Union fees, I thought they were still being waived. So I ended up with a back log to pay and then I have to pay them going forward, which I haded accounted for. I also still, havent stopped smoking but on that front Mum has been winging I have been smoking all hers (which I havent) and its now very clear that smoking hers, even the occassional one or two and paying her back like I have been is not something I can do. It ticks me off that she is accusing me of doing the wrong thing when I havent been but at the same time its good that a crutch is now gone. So I just have to stop buying them for myself.

I made the change to my CPAP like the doctor said and I have felt worse since doing so than I did before. I still get really tired but its the zero energy all day thats getting me. Before hand I would get a period of time where I had some energy and Id get some stuff done. Id feel ok, kinda like normal. It was only two hours or so but now, there isnt even that. Now, Im just lugging what feels like a body filled with lead, around. Everything takes so much more energy and effort, Im so tired and worn out from the instant I wake up. As tired as I am, the idea of sleeping isnt so appealing, I mean I want to but I dont at the same time.

Its my birthday on Sunday and via my Dad to my Mum who, as I understand got told via text, my sister isnt coming up to have tea with us for my birthday, which we have done for everyone in the families birthday for our entire lives. She hasnt bothered to let me know directly, she hasnt rung to say sorry that she cant because she has something else on. No, She sent a text to Mum, which would have been in response to Mum asking because my sister hasnt been able to work out how this weekend, the only weekend since she has been where she is, that she cant come home to get them. No, she wants my parents to come down to her, no she can go to the beach with them for a few hours, she can go to the beach with her new friends as often as I hear about her but she cant come up for a couple hours and have a meal. After everything I have done when she was really sick, or so Im told she was, the debt Ive taken on so I can help her, she cant spend a couple hours and have a meal. Im done, so done. I have problems with my parents, more than most but what ever. The way she has treated them, my Mum in particular. As a person I cant say I like her, Ive tried, for Mums sake and to keep the peace Ive tried but I dont like her as a person and all she is doing is entrenching that dislike further. I really dont think I want anything to do with her anymore, like I dont want to see her hurt or anything, just I dont want to hear her ask me to help her or do anything for her again. Just leave me alone. Ever since I backed away when she was getting better from being whatever she was, we will say sick for lack of a better term she has had an attitude with me, like I had done something wrong, I had done something against her, I have no idea what. I mean I did the best I could do, I was at the point where I was going to have to be hospitalised for my own safety, unlike her I had no one behind me, helping me, supporting me and I had no choice but to retreat. Hell, I had been taken off work because I was no longer coping with life, I was so unwell mentally that I couldnt work, but I was still supporting and looking after her and apparently that wasnt enough. Its the only thing I can think of.

I woke up this morning pretty early, around 2am and Im still feeling pretty hurt and ticked off. She spent pretty much all of last weekend with the person she has been seeing for the past couple of weeks and his Mum for his birthday, but cant make time for a meal for mine. I highly doubt she is/has got me anything (not that that is the most important thing) but that will be cause she doesnt have the money, but could afford stuff for him the weekend before, meals while out with his Mum etc. I dont want anyone trying to make her come up, I dont want it to be a topic of conversation with her at all. She has made her decision and I dont want guilt or anything else to be used to persude her to come. She doesnt think Im worth coming up for a meal for my birthday, thats up to her. On the otherside, Im not, Im just not anything when it comes to her. When/if they split I wont be there for her. Im not doing shit for her when she comes home, she is pretty much on her own and my parents will be made aware. They know me well enough that when I have made my mind up about this sort of stuff its not gonna change, certainly not in a hurry.

I went back to bed, I got overwhelmingly tired again, which isnt suprising given I had only a couple hours sleep. By the time I got to the table and sat down my sister was here. She has come up for her medication and she is talking to my Dad. I didnt immediately start my media player and overheard my sister and him talking a bit and even after I started it I could overhear them, which is annoying because she is just vomitting bullshit. One comment I overheard was Mum “gets confused and annoyed, then I get annoyed.” Straight away, she is blaming Mum’s brain injury and saying she gets confused. Ive read the messages and Mum didnt get confused, Mum and I interpretted them essentially the same. Added to that, if you know (think) Mum is going to get confused dont text, freaking ring. I just overheard something about her and this guy she is seeing having to unpack a pallet containing a flat pack kitchen. My sister is (supposed to be at least) disabled and she is unpacking a flat pack kitchen. She is going to the beach regularly, somehow she can walk over the sand but she cant walk to different locations out the back because the path is slightly (ever so slightly) uneven.

What is amazing is Dad. He has been angry and frustrated etc by my sister and her crap and he hasnt raised his voice at all, he doesnt sound like he is even challenging the shit she is spouting. Its just listening to her crap and acting like its ok what she is saying, he isnt telliing her she is out of line, that shes wrong etc.

Im not running after my sister, Im sitting at the table and if she wants to say hello or anything she knows where I am but Im not going to follow her to her room or whatnot and see if I can budge in and get her to say hello, let alone more than a obligitory greeting. That said, she didnt even bother going to see my Mum.

I spoke to Mum and it was amazing. The one thing I have said, I have made really clear is that I only want our family on my birthday, I dont want this stranger friend of my sisters coming. Well, Mum in her wisdom was going to invite my sister and him up so we could get to know him, on my birthday. Again, the bullshit of my sisters trumps what I wanted, what I asked for, to make way for what she wants, even on my birthday. Not that it matters anyhow, it would appear that my sister cant come to my birtday, not because shes busy exactly or because Dad will be at church, Mum will be asleep and I might be too, she has made plans to go to a festival in town, a month long festival that happens every damn year. Its no different to my Dad who had to go away for work over the period my birthday was on for years, there is always something more important to go to than to be there for the one day its actually supposed to be about me.

Im so done with her, my sister. My Mum, eh its never going to change, my sister is always going to be more important. It doesnt matter what she says or does, my Mum will always show her love for my sister above me. Mum says how she loves us equally but its not true, she prefers my sister and she doesnt hide it. She will admit that I know you dont want but I thought for my sisters sake we could, or words to that affect. Pretty much exactly what she was going to do with inviting him up as well as my sister when I had asked that he wasnt here for my birthday. Its not like I was asking for the entire day, a couple hours for a meal, that was it, thats all I was asking for, that it was about me and what I wanted but my sister has decided hanging out with some people she met around a month ago was far more important and Mum has made it clear trying to win favour with my sister is more important than me. My Dad for his part, he doesnt want the fight, he doesnt want to rock the boat, so he will listen but he wont do anything, he wont stand up for me. That said, I dont want anyone remotely hinting at making my sister come up for my birthday. But it would have been nice that at some point in my life he reminded my Mum that she had a son as well.

Oh and yeah it seems certain that there is no gift, not even a card from my sister. She was here today and other than a hug I got nothing. No acknowledgement of my birthday, that she wasnt coming, a small gift or a card, nothing. The only reason we know she isnt coming is because Mum straight out asked her, if she hadnt I suppose we would have found out when she didnt rock up. Again, she can get bent. I told Mum a minute ago that I dont want to hear words to the effect “dont be nasty to your sister” again. The cold shoulder my sisters going to be getting is closer to the freezing cold of a nuclear winter

[tyme]

Thanks for the update @ClockFace .

I'm not sure I've got any answers. Even then, it's good to hear from you to see how things are going.

[ClockFace]

I have been in and out of bed a couple times yesterday, Im in a lot of pain, my right shoulder has decided that it wants to compete with my left for most painful shoulder and its winning by a significant margin. Im not staying asleep long, the moment I wake my mind is on this shit with my sister, the way my Mum makes me feel doesnt really rate until later because its been a life time of feeling like I dont rate, I certainly dont rate in relation to my sister. I go to bed and the sister thing is on my mind, even if I try and think about somethinig different I end up thinking about whats going on.

There really is so much stress and bullshit at home, even before this stuff with my sister. Its hard to explain it and so I dont really try. I mean, I assume every home has their baggage but this shit with my family seems far more than what I would think is typical. Growing up Mum ran the show and Dad let that happen, he wasnt the head of the house as much as Mum would claim him to be so, it was obvious who was calling the shots. It made sense though, Dad would work as much as he could, even if he was home he wasnt spending time with me, he was doing something far more important. He renovated the house I grew up in, Church was extremely important and if there was something Church related that he could be involved in, he was. If he wasnt at Church and he didnt or couldnt work on the house or something else he was studying the bible. Anything he could do not to spend time with me, that he did. Mum would hound him to spend time with me, later years he took me away fishing a couple of times but that faded away real quick. On the other hand, my Mum was all about my sister. When my sister was into it they would go away regularly for a girls weekend. Not once did my Mum decide to do something Id enjoy and take me away and just spend a weekend away with me. I was Dads responsibility not hers and eventhough it was obvious I was missing out she wouldnt give up her one on one time with my sister for a weekend away with me. Yes, I probably wouldnt have been interested in facials and shit like that but Im certain with a little thought she could have found something both of us could have enjoyed but she didnt and neither did Dad.

Mum and Dad argued a lot, like a lot, a lot. Dad never did enough for Mum, she was always disappointed in him, even if he was trying to do what she had told him to. This has carried on through out their lives. Mum was very loud in the fights, well in general, she was really forceful and bullied her way into getting her way. She wasnt any different with me, she would verbally beat me down, make me feel weak and powerless to get her way. She was the Mum so she was in charge and it was her way or her way, or you were punished. Mum had no problem with what she called discipline but even as a kid I knew it was out of line. She didnt beat us though getting a smack or rarely the wooden spoon was not out of the question, especially if she got mad and she was mad a lot. If things werent the way she wanted them, she got mad and she yelled and she made everyone very aware she wasnt happy with the situation and we better run for cover. Growing up fear was a major factor in my life, I was afraid of my Mum and when it came to school, especially high school, I was afraid to go to school.

I was being beaten quite a lot at school, mainly during high school. During primary school I was just bullied and tormented by classmates but high school the addition of getting the shit kicked out of me was added. Mum, apparently due to her aquired brain injury doesnt remember any of it, a defining moment in my life she has no recollection of. Dad I have no idea, he doesnt really talk about it much and he nor Mum really didnt when it was happening. Between my parents and teachers no one could manage to put an end to the beatings, they couldnt even reduce them. The only way to limit them was to spend my breaks in the school library, alone, no friends through out school, the closest thing was internet chat rooms. Outside of school, I had family friends that I might see once a year as they lived a couple hours away or a mate who I still am friends with decades later, that I met through Church, but he lived over the boarder and we would only see each other if his parents came to Church when we had Church in their area (There was a home Church and multiple satelite Churches that would have a meeting on a rotating roster). I cant remember either parent taking me to his place for the sake of me hanging out just so I could hang out with my only damn friend.

Church was a huge factor in my life, particularly growing up. Hell, the reason we left the city and moved to the country was Dad decided God had called him to do so. Dad was involved everywhere, he played guitar, he led praise and worship, he preached, he councelled people (along with Mum), he was involved in the leadership and management of the Church. Mum for a while sang in Church. My sister and I were, especially when younger, were expected to attend pretty much every meeting with them. We would have people over regularly, we were expected to be well behaved, help out or stay out of sight, especially if it was a councelling thing or a Church leadership meeting. I recon growing up my Dad spent more time councelling others than he spent with me, listening to me or doing anything with me.

I was alone at school and I was pretty much alone at home. Mum wonders why I dont want to get married or have a relationship, Ive spent my life pretty much alone and from my perspective marriage is where one person determines how the other will live, berates them and the other just hides away, shows no backbone for themselves or anyone else and just works ignoring everything else. Added to which, I have so many personal issues, so many medical issues, etc. that it wouldnt be fair to someone I apparently love to saddle with for the rest of their life. I mean, I have had major spinal pain for over half my life, I now have all the mental health issues, I sleep with machine, which might not be cutting it as treatment and I might need to have oxygen while I sleep as well and all the other stuff, who is going to want that. Not to mention, if I did get into a relationship I would have to bring that person into my family, they would have to meet my parents and my sister and they would eventually see how they treat me and would understand how they see me, if the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally see me the way they do, evident by the way they treat me, how could that person see me as the person they love, how could their perception of me not be altered.

My Dad has to be effectively forced to spend time with me any time he has, my Mum really only wants to spend time with my sister, she is the one that matters and my sister is so self involved that unless I am doing something for her or she is at odds with both my parents doesnt want anything to do with me. I mean, she cant even spend a couple hours with us on my birthday, the Fringe with some people she has known for a few weeks is far more important. I had no friends at school growing up, I was bullied and excluded from the social side of life. I cant think that at any period of time in my life that I was truely wanted, at most I feel like an obligation that no one enjoys and only puts the minimum effort into.

Its made me pretty self reliant I think, except with money. My parents have made sure that I am stuck relying on them and that way they have a hold over me. The number of times I have “accrued” debt with them that I have to pay off, not at a reasonable set rate but at every cent I have available. My sister was struggling mentally, severely and neither parent stepped up, she eventually ended up in hospital and it was me going down and dealing with the doctors and with her. She was having violent outbursts and all sorts, I had to stop working because I couldnt do both, the toll mentally was too much and still neither stepped in and helped. Dad kept working and Mum kept sleeping. I would run out of money so I would have to borrow money from Dad to go down and look after his daughter, pay for my own medical expenses and life expense because I had spent all my money dealing with her to the tune of about $25k which now he wants paid back, even though Im on a massively reduced income as Im on income protection from being off work still. He cant afford it now because he retired, supposedly because he needed to help with my sister but most of that was over and he still wasnt there for her, he couldnt be, he couldnt come in so late in the game and take over having no understanding or appreciation for what she had been going through. But he cant afford it because he’s retired is justification in his mind to make me pay for his responsibilities.

I said about Mum sleeping, Mum has an aquired brain injury from about 6 years ago and had open hear surgery a few years ago. She was ok for some time after the head injury but the heart stuff changed things. She says its because of all that but through out my life Mum has battled severe depression, thats the diagnosis she has, and all the signs are more this than her head or heart. She has locked herself away in her room, its a large room, access to a patio and a large ensuite. She has a fridge/freezer, microwave and pantry in the ensuite. She gets someone to bring her everything she needs. The only reason she leaves the room is to go to doctors appointments, which are rare and even rarer still to come down to the main area of the house. She is wildly bitter and blames my Dad for everything, accepting no responsibility for the outcome of her life, despite yelling, screaming and manipulating her way through her life and marriage to get her way. Dad has plently to be responsible for but not nearly the amount she blames him for. Its really no wonder the way my sister has turned out when her primary role model acts the way my Mum has thoughout her life. If its good enough for Mum to make herself the most important person in the lives of her family and to use fear, manipulation and to belittle the men in her life to get her way, my sister is going to do the same and worse.

But what have I learnt from them, I dont really see either as a massive role model, neither invested that much in my life but they are all I had. I mean I read more and looked at things intellectually far more than my sister. I was interested in computers, which became accessable when I was an early teen. I spent more time with my imagination and my own thoughts than with my family. I feel like I was an observer rather than a participator for most my life. My sister wanted everyones attention all the time, me Id was happier playing with my basic lego and imagining I was making something far more amazing than it was. I have ended up a very introverted person with pretty minimal social skills. I used to be afraid of everything but Im less so now, now I will generally stand up for myself. No one else will, no one else seems to think I matter much except me and even then I dont have a high think that highly of myself. I havent ever felt like I am worth much, even to the point that until recently I havent even bothered to look after myself properly. 1/2 the reason Im as big as I am is that I didnt think I was worth spending the money on buying actual food and just ate truck loads of what was cheap and in large supply, rather than what was nutritious and well portioned. I used the most cost effective shampoo and body wash, generally just the crap that was bought for birthday and Christmas. I didnt buy moisturisers, good quality stuff, etc, why what was the point?

Even thats a point, something thats been bugging me recently. Ive been selling a heap of stuff lately and quite a bit of it is birthday and Christmas presents that I havent used for years and at all. I havent used the stuff because its not something I would ever use. Like why buy me stuffed starwars toys, a starwars baby blanket, special edition monopolies. Im not a child or a baby, I do sleep with a particular stuffed toy as an anxiety thing, but I dont have a) the room or b) the personality to have things like toys and nick nacks on display. Im a minimalist, I dont like clutter, I dont like having shit for the sake of taking up space. Why buy monopoly for me, no one in the family enjoys the game except me so, unlike the promise that we will play it, we wont. Why then would you buy me it and even buy a different version the following year?? I have one graphic novel, V for Vendetta, I loved the movie and decided to read the novel. It is massively thought provoking novel and movie. But I have never been into comics, so why would you buy me a collection of random Deadpool comics and then books on comics, what the. Books on mythology, internet, why would I reference a book when there is websites galore to explore with far more information than whats in a book and whats in a book I already know, Ive been playing with mythology for most my life. Whats more annoying is that they get angry with me because I dont use what they buy and then the following year they buy the same shit. They very clearly dont know me and I have to figure to prideful or arrogant to ask what I actually would like. Not that I would know most years, I didnt even know what I wanted. That said, I also couldnt ask for the stuff Id actually want because I have one already and in their mind I dont need another, or its more tech stuff and they have an issue buying that sorta stuff for me for some reason.

It shouldnt be misinterpreted that I got no attention, they still paid enough attention to be highly critical of pretty much everything I did/do and they make sure I am fully aware of their judgements and how in pretty well every sphere of my life I dont come close to rising to their expectations. I dont want to own my own home, I dont want to need to renovate, repair, maintain a house while paying a mortgage with an interest rate that can change at any moment and will cost me a heap to get out of and move and then pay to set up a new one for another house to do the same thing. I would rather rent, it has its draw backs but my experience has been good and in general it is. Dad has an issue with it so I should and I should buy a house and Im wasting money renting. Even if I wanted to, how the hell would I when I get lumped with things like owing $25k for looking after my sister and paying for all the medical expenses through out my life. I dont think they have ever been happy with what I do for a job, I dont know what I want to do for a job, I have a job and have had one for nearly 15 years in this world that is pretty amazing given I have no education past year 12. I dont have a partner, which apparently I should have. I dont think the same way as them, so its wrong etc.

I just went and saw Mum and we breifly talked about the stuff with my sister, how she is treating my Mum. Its all about that, there is barely a thing said about how I must feel with her not coming up for my birthday dinner. I told Mum that she is getting treated, in part, the same way my sister has treated me most my life now. It was amazing but she almost went back to defending my sister, yet again, denying that my sister treated me this badly. She really cant help herself, no matter how badly my sister treats her or my Dad or I, my Mum cant help but defend her. Deny my sister is like the way she is, blame it on us or that its not what she meant. There was a time where I thought that one day my Mum will see my sister for who she really is, what she actually does but that has long passed, I dont think Mum will ever dig her head out my sisters arse and realise the smell isnt roses.

A while into writing this I decided that I would maybe send it to my psychologist, I dont know if thats ok but it would be good for her to read I think. My appointments with her I do via online but Im in the dining room where Im set up and Dad is in and out and even if he isnt I dont know or trust that he isnt in ear shot so I feel like I have to be a little reserved. Im going to look into finding a space where I can have my appointments in private. Im not allowed to drive far enough to see her face to face but writing this and letting her read it lets me be actually open freely.

I sent her an email and I asked if there is a way that we can incorporate an aspect of me writing along or in place of appointments. I find writing so much easier to do, as I said when I talk, especially when talking about deep stuff its like my brain is in a Aerotrim while bouncing on a trampoline (Aerotrim is the spinning thing that goes in all sorts of directions that they used to use to train astronauts). I dont like talking about my emotions etc. but I can do so if Im writing much easier.

Its now 6am, I slept on and off yesterday but I didnt get a huge amount of sleep but its the start of a new day. Shortly my routines start again, I didnt really touch it yesterday Id like to get onto it today and do what I should do. I mean yesterday I still showered, just the once though, but I didnt tick it off. I dont know that my routines are going to be done on time, Im probably going to go to bed after this coffee.

I have changed my hair style, I have worn my hair the same way for most my life but I decided it was time for a change. Its like Ive changed so much about myself of late that it kinda seemed fitting. Whats more fitting is that like the changes in my life, my new hairstyle needs to grow into it, my hair needs to get longer for it to really work. I might have made changes in my life but they take time, I need to allow them to grow for them to really work. Im not perfect, I havent made all the changes I will make, I will realise some changes dont work, some need to be tweaked and more need to be had. But Im a living, growing being, Ive added some fertiliser recently and sat in the sun for a bit. I think everyone is alive and the potential to grow is there but we put ourselves in the shade, we dont water ourselves, we dont fertilise, refresh the soil etc. We stagnate because we fail to care for ourselves thinking we are fine how we are but like plants, unless we are continously caring for ourselves we fail to grow and eventually our leaves wilt and slowly die.

Ive tried a few times, more than I can count to just stop smoking. One thing that is always stopping me is that I want to smoke my final smoke and go to bed, then wake up and start fresh and I just havent been able to do that. Today, its going to happen Im going to stay up until all the smokes I have are gone and I can start fresh and I have no excuse to keep smoking.

As Ive said, Im selling a heap of stuff at the moment. I went to bed last night around 9ish and when I got up at 11ish I had a message from someone wanting to by a lamp Im selling, the lady said she would be here at 9:30 this morning. She doesnt know where here is but I kinda need to stay up until I hear from her and she hopefully comes and buys it. That is going to be pretty difficult to do. Its weird, I have had some stuff for sale that has been sitting for a while and was going to be a hard sell and in a matter of 24hrs 3 of them sold, right when I feel like I need the money. I just reconcilled my accounts, what I have and what I need to get my budget back on track, with a refund Im waiting on and what Ive sold yesterday, Ive basically sorted things again. Im getting money for my birthday which will pay for some products I want and now Im not going to have to use it to make ends meet for the month. Though I cant get everything I wanted I dont think because the money I was expecting from a sale of a bunch of comic stuff doesnt seem to be happening. Ive given the guy over 2 weeks to sort out the money, get paid or whatever and he hasnt even been able to come up with a deposit. I feel like he is just screwing with me for some reason. I wasnt relying on the money for essential stuff but I was relying on it to get some stuff I really want which will get me moving forward in my self care journey. I feel like I have just kinda scratched the surface but products cost money and like many, I have a limited supply of that. Once I have got the initial products I can set aside a percentage each month to replace as I run out. Its just the full amount upfront is expensive, I could get a smaller bottle of stuff but then Im paying like an extra 30% or more for the same amount and Id be stuck paying that forever, never getting in front to put money aside for the larger bottle.

I got a response from my psychologist to my email. In the email I had asked if there was a possability that we could incorporate me sending emails where I could write about stuff as its easier for me to write about my feelings and anything deep than to talk about it. I admitted that I tend to steer the direction of appointments away from these things, especially if there is something I am struggling with on the particular day. Also, something I didnt say, I often feel like discussing a topic/issue and I write about it but when it comes to a day where I have an appointment not so much.

I also said to her that, where I am situated for appointments isnt private, I thought I could make it work but Dad always ends up passing through besides which, I really dont trust that he isnt sitting within earshot listening in. So, Im planning on seeing if I can get a room at the community centre for my appointments going forward. Here is the suprising, amazing, completely unexpected thing in my psychologists response she not only agreed to emails, she would read but not always respond but she offered to drive up to me, meet at an agreed place, have our appointment and then she would drive back for the rest of her appointments, she is already bulk billing me to help me out. I replied saying that effectivily its really nice etc but she is already doing so much for me I would feel bad. But it amazed me that she would offer to drive all this way, its a good 20-30 min drive either way. Just so we can have a face to face appointment.

Mum and I have been talking for the past hour and a half, it would sound like my she is s

lowly coming to terms with my sisters actions over the past years. She is realising that her actions over the past few weeks arent new, that she has a history over the past years of being deceitful and stealing money from them. Mum admitted today that my sister has betrayed her trust and even listened to my belief that my sister plays her off against my Dad and is the centre of many fights and issues between them. I mean, since she has been in the place she is in and not at home, there has been almost no fights, almost no issues and the issues there has been have been when my sister has been involved.

[ClockFace]

Trigger warning, I talk about my psychotic issues a bit

Today is my 43rd birthday, I typically dont like my birthday. It was never anything special growing up as Dad was away for work most years on my birthday. I didnt have friends to have a party, I remember one year having a party with a few kids from school. It was my 13th as I remember but for some reason, Im not sure why, the memories are tainted like something happened, like something went wrong.

The other reason Im not a fan of my birthday is because, while other people might do it on New Years Eve, I evaluate my year on my birthday. I dont know when it started but from the second, the moment I wake up I am thinking about the past 12 months and the person I have become. This year is no different. This past 12 months have been ratshit. I cant remember all the diagnosis’s Ive been given, the number of illnesses I have faced and am facing. My life has been reduced now to a series of naps. I sleep for a couple of hours, Im up for a few and then back to bed. When Im up Im generally so tired that all I want to do is go back to bed, I generally push until I cant stay up any longer. I still live with my parents and my sister who all try and control and manage my life. Shit, Im driving my Mums car cause I dont have my own. To boot, Im fighting to keep my job for another 3 months and hopefully, a big hopefully, be well enough to go back to work within that time or thats it no more job. I just got told by my sleep specialist that we are trialling new settings on my CPAP machine to see if they work and I dont go back to her for a bit over 3 months, so far the changes havent done shit, so the chances are Im going to be losing my job because Im sick. 43, no job, living with my parents, no car, no life and so many illnesses its just robbing me of any enjoyment I might have in life.

On a positive, I have and continue to make a heap of changes to my life. Ive finally realised the errors of my way in relation to what I eat and drink and Ive made changes to what I do there. In doing so I have really reduced my acne and boils, it would seem like I have an issue with cow milk, which I have all but stopped drinking, its pretty much entirely oat milk now. I have lowered my weight a fair bit, I dont have like a timeline or an amount I want to lose weekly or anything but I would like to be losing it quicker than I am. It actually amazes me how difficult it is to get my parents on board. Last night it was the night for my birthday dinner. I asked for a steak meal from the local hotel, mainly because it was a meal I knew fit what I aim to eat, high protein, low carb but I also really like a good steak. I asked for no cake, which you would think would translate into no lollies etc. Mum wanted cake so they got cake and Dad obviously wanted lollies so they got lollies, the ones I like. So far Ive only had a couple of Violent Crumble pieces, but its not easy to resist. We put off the cake until today but its going to be pressure to have some, just a little bit, its your birthday, blah blah. Seriously, they go on about my weight, Mum especially and Im actually doing something about it and have been for a fair while now, why not get behind my and properly support me.

Im not real happy with the way my life has turned out at the age of 43. I had dreams of owning my own business at this point in my life. Having a nice car and a good rental house. You know, a life with meaning and purpose and a nice place to live by myself where I could relax and just live my life. But what I have ended up with is just a shit show, full of illness and bullshit.

Ive been writing an email to my psychologist today, I actually told someone all about what happened to me when I had my brief psychotic break. I havent felt at all comfortable telling anyone, the other psychologist I just felt like they would judge me for it, psychiatrists they dont really want to hear anything real, in and out their office and I cant tell my parents etc. People know it was demonic and scary but I actually told my current psychologist the details which Ive never done before. That said I havent sent the email yet. I think it being an email makes it easier to tell, if I had to do it verbally I think I would still have it bottled up. I would be open to posting about it here but I think it would be to graphic and to triggering but if I didnt know better Id swear I saw or was on the edge of the pit of hell. There is obviously a fair bit more to it but thats the gist of it. Its not the first or the last time my psychotic aspects have been rooted in the demonic, its pretty well the main theme of them. I wont go into anymore detail, Im pretty open to questions but again it will be somewhat SANE safe.

My sister has been in a centre for the past 6 or 7 weeks, I honestly dont understand what she is doing there. All I hear about it is how she has been down the beach or something. Anyhow, while there she met a guy, another resident. Things seem to have moved incredibly quickly. She asked that when she left if on weekends he could come up and stay, we are not that kinda family, even at her age it was going to be a big ask. I was against it from the start given my social issues and the simple fact, this guy is a complete stranger to me and my parents. Like Ive spent all of 10 minutes with him prior to this morning. There is no way I am going to sleep well, if at all, if he was to stay over without us getting to know the guy.

My Mum and Dad talked and my feelings on the matter were pretty much dismissed by Mum who convinced my Dad, who was also a no, to allow him to come up fortnightly, but later decided that she too would also like to know something about the fella and when Mum asked my sister to tell her about him, my sister flipped out. Since then she has been up twice and both times refused to go and see Mum. Mum was asleep but typically she would wake her but now, no. Mum and my sister were close, like too close in my opinion and this has hit Mum hard. My sister came up on Friday and didnt go see her and it put Mum in a hell of a spin, which I mainly got to deal with. She did it again today, so I spent a good part of my birthday with my Mum who was going from crying to furious and back. Another good part of it was spent talking to, or more so listening to, a very angry father.

She comes home in a bit over a week, with her not bothering to come home for my birthday tea, taking some stuff I was selling and not paying for it (so far) or answering my messages about that, what she is doing to my Mum and family I really dont know how I deal with her being home, how I go forward from here with her.

My sister and I dont really get on too well even before all this. She manipulates and lies to get her way, often at my and my Dads expense. Im hoping that all this actually really opens my Mums eyes, who is very one eyed when it comes to my sister. Mum says her eyes are open and they are staying that way but I can really see my sister coming back and manipulating my Mum and smoothing things out and Mum wanting her relationship with my sister so badly that she goes with it again.

I think that Im pretty well done with my sister, like to the best of my ability Id have no dealings with her at all, she can leave me alone completely. If she bails on this money she owes for the stuff she took today or makes it overly onerous then it stops being an “I think” and a definite. In that I feel worse for my Mum to see her two kids not speaking etc and a big unsurpassable wall going up between them. I think it is more hurtful that she took the stuff and immediately gave it to this guy and she owes my Mum money, quite a bit and my Dad. She’s not paying for her animals vet bills or coming to spend time with them let alone us. Hell, she has never paid for their food, Dad has always foot that bill, I dont get around $100 a week for my hobbies or anything I want to spend my money on for me to ignore. Like many things my sister gets this stuff and I dont, generally the excuse is she is on a disability pension and I work so I earn more, at the same time Im also told Im not allowed to go on disability cause the family couldnt afford it. Keep in mind Im in constant pain, I have major psych issues and sleep conditions, so much so I have been off work for the past year and prior to that I took heaps of time off because I was too sick or in too much pain. My spine has a bunch of vertebra that have wedge fractures that have caused me to have a 40 degree kink in my spine, hence the pain amongst other things. I also have Calcific Tendonitis in both shoulders. This is where, when my tendons are injured instead of being repaired with new tendon, they are replaced with calcium deposits, basically they are replaced with bone. I have a couple lumps in my left that they have identified where calcium has accumulated but its so hard the procedure they use to deal with it doesnt work and I need surgery but Im too heavy to have the surgery. So, Im in a lot of pain in both shoulders and pretty limited on usage of my arms. But Im treated as if its not that bad and I should just push through it. This is along with a heap of other medical issues that I have to deal with regularly.

Its like my sister is the only person in the family who has it really tough. Its like she is the only one who has had bad shit happen etc. I will admit she has had some terrible and very traumatic shit happen to her. Its not something I talk about much or at all really but she had a boyfriend who was violent, manipulative and just all round batman villain toxic. I hold a fair amount of guilt for what happened because I introduced them, I knew him through work, my sister and I worked at the same place and thought he was a nice guy and he turned out to be just a horrible human being and what he did to her, what I know and I dont know it all, I find it hard to believe anyone could do to another person. At the same time, I find it hard because and Im dont want to blame her, she made choices which some of which he is doing again with this new guy. She never said anything to anyone and kept going back to him. He lived over an hour away, so she had to go to him all the time, just stop. He was threating her and our family apparently, at the time I could certainly look after myself and I had friends who could have and would have taken care of the situation.

Before all this happened I had been brought home by my parents who had found out part of the life I was living, a life of drugs and booze and a bit of violence. It wasnt a gang, gang but we all looked out for each other and if I had known and told them what was happening, they would have been up and helped sort out the situation.

We could have gone to the police and they would have intervened. There were so many options but she chose to keep driving back to him.

We found out that soon after getting together she started paying stuff for him, she drove everywhere, she pushed the family away, she became secretive and with this new guy she is doing all the same things and she is offended that we want to know more about him.

Dont read that at all that I blame her for what happened, what he did was evil and there is no excuse. No human being should ever do even a little bit of what he did to her. And I should have realised and done something about it. At the same time, I also know that there is little way for me to have known and therefore there what could I have done. But I have learnt, as has the family, we cant just sit back and watch when my sister is doing things like being secretive and paying for everything. Especially when it involves her taking money from Mum and Dad to fund it, which she is again now and has done since with other boyfriends.

Dad said yesterday that he thinks that with the money she took from them with the sale of her house that they had paid the deposit for and all the money she has taken in other ways over the years that he and Mum have been taken for around $100 grand. What bugs the shit out of me is because she is on disability and doesnt make much money they have basically thrown their hands in the air and written off that money as a loss. She has so much shit and a brand new car. On the other hand, my Dad pressures me to repay the money I borrowed when I was travelling all across the city from where we live going from hospital to hospital, dealing with my sisters doctors, dealing with my sisters aggressive outbursts and emotional fits (for a lack of a better description) when her mental health went seriously down hill, because no one else would. The fact that it was the start of why I got sick and had to stop work, that Im on income protection, that I have medical costs out the wazzu doesnt matter. Not even the fact that looking after her in that position really should have fallen to my Mum and Dad and not me and that I was only doing it because my Dad refused to take time from work to be there for my sister is enough to change his mind. I ended up 25k in debt with them, not working, sick, etc and still being pressured to pay it back. But my sister actually stole around $100k and has a new car (I cant afford a car at all) and she is getting away with it. She even has Dad selling some of her stuff and giving her the money for it. She should be having to sell it all and the car and giving Mum and Dad the money.

For my birthday Mum and Dad gave me three hundred dollars, I asked for money, I bought face and body wash and face and body moisturiser from Brickell’s which I have been very keen on getting. I got a beard straightener and a new quilt cover set as well, another couple things Ive been keen on for a while. All but the quilt cover should be here this week, the quilt cover is going to take a while longer. My sister claimed she was up to see me for my birthday but forgot my present but spent the majority of the time getting stuff from her room for this guy. I dont believe for a second that she had come up to see me, nor that she even had a present for me. She is not the type to forget a present if she is going to someone to see them for her birthday, she is way too organised and she has always made sure that people have something from her on their birthday. She refused to see my Mum causing her to spin out, ruining my birthday and other than getting stuff for this guy, that was her purpose.

I sent a text to my sister asking when she will pay for the stuff she bought yesterday and didnt get a response so I pushed again today and was told in a couple weeks. Im less than happy because she didnt ask if that was ok and I need the money, thats why Im selling the stuff. Ive asked for my stuff back but I doubt she will. Im so sick of the crap with my sister, Im so done. Im ready to write  her an email about things and explain that she shouldnt expect or ask anything of me going forward.

[ClockFace]

This is really long, but Im going to be sending this to my psychologist and I thought Id post it here and see what you all thought. 

I was born in Adelaide but when I was pretty young Dad decided that God had called him to move to the country. It took a year to get Mum on board but eventually we were packed up, left our friends and family and moved to one small town after another until we settled in a small country town about 2 hours drive from Adelaide. Its is dry, hot, remote and absolutely everyone knows exactly what you did in your sleep last night.

Growing up in there sucked, I hated it, as did my sister and Mum. The only one that liked the place was my Dad. I didnt get on well with any of the local kids, I wasnt into sports, I rather read and learn something. When computers started becoming a thing, I got into them pretty intensely. At the end of year 7 my teacher told my parents that they needed to get me one for high school or my assignments wouldnt be accepted due to my hand writing. It was absolutely horrible until I started taking a new medication not that long ago, after which it has got a lot better.

I was a smart kid, I tested highly on IQ tests and stuff like that. I cant remember how old I was but I was young I got hold of 6 computers from the school that didnt work, Id had little experience with computers, especially the internals but it didnt take long but I had fixed 3 of the computers using parts from the others. I sold them for a profit. I liked to learn about a whole range of things but tech really caught my attention.

Dad was heavily involved in Church and even in our home life Christianity played a major factor in our lives. There were times where we had to participate in daily bible studies as a family. The teachings were to be observed as well, though this didnt prevent the regular fights between Mum and Dad. In fact I would go as far as to say that it was more so used as a way to dictate to my sister and I how we were to live and behave but it had little to no bearing on Mum and Dad.

Publically however, it was like a light switch. For the most part they played the good Christian parent part and my sister and I had to follow suit. There were times however Mum didnt play the part, where her issues with Dad became more public and that was just even more awkward, in a small country town it was pretty well known that they fought because people could hear them outside the house, but taking it outside the house just made sure we knew the only people we associated with also knew.

Home was strict and there was little grace for disobedience. I remember getting smacked and the threat of being smacked was pretty common place, though I was pretty well behaved, I was to scared to do anything wrong, to disappoint Mum and Dad. I wasnt an overly active kid as you can imagine, I had Lego, computers, an extensive Gem and Mineral collection (which I one an award for). When I was older and the internet became more of a thing, I got into chat rooms, I suppose around 15ish where I went by the handle Living Dead. I was extremely depressed by this stage, from about 13/14 I was thinking about suicide, even at one point putting kinda trying but stopping at the last minute. I was put into counselling with the school counsellor but as much as I can remember I felt that she was making it out to be my own fault that I was not liked and was getting beaten. I didnt last long with this counsellor and there was no other options for me. I eventually stopped talking about what was happening at school as neither my parents or teachers were or were able to do anything so there was absolutely no point. I, as a teenager, felt and still do, that I faced this part of my life alone. This is reinforced in that my Mum admits that she has no memory of any of this, she blames her brain injury but at the same time says she has great recollection of events prior to the brain injury. Dad says he remembers it. My sister says it wasnt as bad as I make it out to be. I think if at 14ish I was thinking about suicide and I had a handle of Living Dead, then whatever was going on, was having a significant affect on me.

My sister on the other hand was much more active and was so her whole life. She would do whatever she wanted in many respects and get away with it. She wanted a pool, so she dug a huge hole in the backyard, it got lined with plastic and she had her pool. She wanted to build something so she got Dad’s jigsaw and cut pallets apart, pallets that were to be returned, bending the jigsaw components. I would have never thought to do anything like that before getting permission.

Fear was a big thing in the house, at least for me. Mum would threaten me with being hit, she also favoured taking away things you really liked, for instance I was very much into music, though only I liked the music that I listened to. Heavy metal etc. I discovered Triple J in my early teens and listened to it heaps. That was pretty much the first thing to go if I was being disciplined. The one thing in my life that made me feel connected, feel less worthless would be taken away from me for a week or a fortnight, my only comfort. ½ the time it was because I had an “attitude” problem and my music was to blame. So, even though I was generally well behaved, which Mum would admits, if I answered back, disagreed with her, saw or took Dads side, attitude problem and music gone.

Dad was MIA for the most part as I said before, even if he was around discipline rarely came from him, even if Mum asked him to do something about us kids. Like if we were fighting he wouldnt come and deal with it, he would come and parrot Mum in a ridiculing way. For example, Mum says to Dad to say something to the children, so he would come and say the word “something”.

As a kid Mum always came across as a very angry, volatile person. She was extremely quick to anger, she would go off the handle at Dad or us kids at the slightest whim. If her and Dad had a fight, which was pretty often, I knew that it was only a matter of time before her anger from that fight would spill over to me. It could be as simple as me playing with Lego in the lounge and Mum deciding that I had made a mess and would make me clean up what I was playing with or I remember once she did it herself. If I didnt respond or get up quick enough to an instruction, she would have me making her coffees when I wasnt at school and she drank a lot of coffee, I best get onto that and do it right and clean up properly and promptly of you can rest assure the decibels were going to rise very quickly.

The house was also to be always spotless, including our rooms. Nothing was to be out of order. I dont remember a time, especially once we moved to the country town where I was not expected to help clean the house, keep my room spotless, always be presentable etc. Regardless of them fighting etc it didnt matter the time of the day, I had to appear to be the proper Christian son at all times, probably part of the issue with my music. As I got older I cared less and less and I left the Church, this was after Mum and my sister had.

Mum was a control freak, it was her way or not at all. Even now she will get myself or my Dad to do something and give detailed instructions on how to do it or have an expected way to do it and even if the same result is achieved it is still wrong because you didnt do it her way, my sister is the same way. I struggle with this, I have a way of doing things that works for me, often due to my restrictions, but often its not the way my sister or Mum would do it and this causes issues.

Mum deciding how things go didnt have boundaries, my room was set up the way she wanted it, even today she whinges about the way my Dad’s room is set up. I get really bad body acne and boils, when I was younger she would force me to allow her to pick them, despite how painful I found it, she enjoyed it, so I had to lay on her bed and let her pick at them. It didnt matter to her how it made me feel, how demeaning it was, how disgusting she made me feel (all the comments about how gross it was), no matter the fight I put up trying to stop her she always forced her way. Even after doctors and specialists that Ive seen over the years have told me and her not to pick the pimples she ignores them and demanded that I let her have at it. She still, at 43, tries to get me to let her do it, even if I ask her to get one that is causing problems she will always get others and there is always an excuse, so unless I cant deal with the problem myself and I cant put up with it anymore I live with the discomfort and pain, ie sitting on a boil until it resolves itself or blindly self-lancing them because I cant get to pop it but I can with a scalpel. Its not about helping me, it never has been, she enjoys it. I dont know if its the activity itself or the discomfort and pain Im in while she does it that she enjoys the most but nothing deters her from it, except Im not really that scared of her anymore so I have no problem telling her to F off and Im big enough now to be able to enforce that and she is aware I can, not to imply I would deliberately hurt her.

The last time Mum tried to hit me, I would have been 19/20. I had moved out of home and they found out about the lifestyle I was living, a lot of drinking, parting etc. and along with the parents of my flat mate came down and brought us both home. We had a fight over what I wanted to do with my vacuum cleaner, what I wanted to do in retrospect probably made little sense but Mum had her own plans and by God Id do as I was told. Eventually, she went to hit me and I grabbed her wrist as she swung down. I didnt retaliate I just protected myself. She went and swung with the other hand and I did the same. When I had moved out and had made some friends, I gained some confidence and we all protected one another, where I lived was rough. During that time I had decided that I wasnt going to allow another person to hit or beat me again, that included my Mum. My Dad saw this and stepped in on my Mums side and threw me up the hallway into my room. But it was the last time that my Mum ever tried to raise a hand to me.

Something that I have never admitted to anyone is that I have a massive fear of authority figures. Police are a big one, I am scared of being arrested, of being assaulted by the police. I dont trust people in general, but males especially, I have as few as possible involved my medical care, I think currently I have one actively involved and one over seeing my case, but females under him. I cant talk to males about anything personal or emotional, I struggle to discuss how my pain and other medical issues affect me beyond they cause me pain or they prevent me from doing this or that. I would rather have the second or third best practitioner who’s female than the leading specialist in the field.

I struggle when my team leader at work is male, my drive for promotion etc all wains. I get my work done, I do my job and keep my nose clean, more so to stay off their radar but one on one’s and the like are really difficult, I get really anxious, more than normal cause I always assume Im going to be get in trouble for something, I cant tell them my concerns, my aspirations, I just try and make it as plain, simple and as short as possible

Dad keeps doing or my sister does the same thing my Dad does. He comes down from talking to Mum and relays information that has been said but in the worst possible way. Recently Mum wanted a meal from a take away place in town, I tried to get it for her when I was in last but there were no parks nearby. There might have been parks in the Coles complex over the road but to get there would have meant a bit of a walk, part of which is on a steep incline, not something I can do. Mum wasnt happy but seemed to accept it when I told her. A little while later he came down after speaking with Mum, and said that Mum wasnt happy, asked how long I waited for a park (where I dont know) and now he had to go and try after Church. This came up last night and Mum said that its not the way things went, that Dad offered to try and she had said not but he had basically insisted. I can imagine my Dad doing this, twisting what was said to make things sound worse than what they really are because he has done it so many times before. On the other hand, I can see Mum having a fit at Dad that she didnt get her way and that I should have magically done something more to make it happen because she is so regularly unreasonable in her requests etc and she has done this sort of stuff before. Again, this is the sort of stuff my sister would do but she pushes it a step further to outright lies etc.

Its not something I deal with well, I tend to be a much more straight talker. I dont deliberately try to hurt peoples feelings but telling the truth, as I see it at least, is more important to me than protecting someone’s feelings and them misunderstanding what I am trying to convey. I think its part of the reason I tend not to talk that much. Im pretty quiet, I try to not get involved in the bullshit, I try not to discuss one person with another and what not and I try to keep my opinion about things to myself. The more exhausted I am getting with this sleep issue thing, the harder I am finding all this. I get talked to about stuff and next thing I realise coming out of my mouth is pretty raw thoughts. I struggle at the best of times to make what I say palatable, but at the moment people are getting it straight.

Mum and Dad talked today about the backroom, they are renovating it. Currently its more or less a veranda that has been walled in and they are going to make it into an area where we can have more office space, primarily for me as I work from home. Dad thought they were doing one thing and Mum had a different understanding, which happens all the time. Mum says Dad doesnt listen, Dad says Mum changes her mind all the time or goes on about so many different things that he doesnt know what the outcomes are. I think both are true. I also think Dad has a habit of doing things that he has been asked not to because he either wants to cause an issue or he just is dismissive of our needs and does what ever he wants.

Dad came down after the discussion and tried to get my opinion on the matter. He wanted to know my thoughts on the renovation of his and Mums house. I said that I had none and shut it down. Honestly, I couldnt care less about it but I wasnt getting involved or taking sides in yet another disagreement between Mum and Dad. Its not the first time he has done it and then he takes what I said and manipulates it to suit his needs and tells Mum how I am on his side or how I agree with him. He makes it out like my opinion actually matters when it doesnt, its just to try and I dunno get me and/or my sister on his side against Mum in yet another fight. All it does is causes issues between Mum and I and there is enough ammo there to arm two entire armies, we dont need help.

Dad has recently started, kinda since my sister went into Trevor Parry, talking to me. Which is nice, but a lot of it is just trivial bullshit, just a second ago he piped up and said Mum liked the Hungry Jacks coffee I got her this morning, which I already knew because I asked Mum. That sorta thing is pretty common, I have a conversation with Mum and Dad later over dribs and drabs gives me a run down on the same conversation Ive had with Mum. Or like this morning he updated me on some completely irrelevant thing he had spoken to me about a few days ago, I didnt care then and I dont care now. Im not trying to be rude about things but Ive never been one for generic and idle chit chat, he knows that. If Im going to talk, talk to me about something important, relevant, something that is going to get me engaged, I dont need to know that you are getting up to go to do this or that. Just get up and do it. You have never done it before and it just bugs me because its interrupting what I am doing.

I have 3 tablets and a phone. One tablet plays media streaming pretty much most the time Im at the table. The other tablet it for reference material, I have just started playing a game on it, there is a lot of time between actions (unless you want to pay). The main tablet I write on, do my office work etc. I dont mind pausing the media streaming and talking to Dad but its a moment talking, then a minute or two silence, long enough to start the media again and he starts talking again. Its rarely a conversation more a series of brief chats and even more regularly him saying a few sentences, me acknowledging him and then silence again because there is no input expected of me.

Its annoying, I always wanted Dad to talk to me more but I wanted to know him, I wanted to have meaningful discussions not crap like someone was supposed to be here at 5pm, Im not waiting around for them. I dont care, I barely remember you telling me someone was coming to look at my sister’s pots and maybe buy them. Unless its going to affect me, I need to do something what benefit does that piece of information provide me. If it was occasionally, every now and then it woulnt bother me but its everyday and time and time again and I have to stop writing or what Im concentrating on, pause my media and focus on pointless dribble.

Ive been thinking about the whole relationship with my emotions thing and how to explain it further. I understand being angry, frustrated, anxious, excited but often its why I feel the way I do or why its so extreme. Like a little thing will make me really mad, like madder than I think I should be or there is no reason why I feel as angry of frustrated as I do. I often put it down to my life being pretty crappy with all my medical issues etc. and that getting on top of me but I feel like I should be in more control of my emotions. I should be able to manage my emotions and control them so I shouldnt get angry and frustrated nearly as often as I do. I certainly should be able to control my outbursts, they dont happen often but its like a little thing sets me off. I feel like I am sitting on a pile of explosives with a lit match all the time and Im struggling to keep hold of the match.

I dont often get excited or happy or have any real positive emotions, if I do its marred with the thoughts of whats going to go wrong, how is this going to bite me in the arse. I cant just enjoy a positive emotion. They are so rare that I cant think of a recent time when I had any to provide examples from. Even my activities in self improvement, I should feel good about them, happy that Im doing what Im doing, I should have some pride in myself for doing them but again its tainted by the thoughts that I shouldnt have gotten so big in the first place, that I should have been taking care of myself all along, that Im just doing what normal people do, though my Dad as my only male role model doesnt do these things. Im stuck with the feelings that I am not special, Im not doing anything special, that there is no reason to feel impressed with myself or anything like that. Its more a feeling of, its about time, Im just doing what I should be doing, etc.

Depressed is a feeling I have pretty continuously. I kinda get it, my life is pretty shitty. I have more than my fair share of health issues, financial issues and my family is far from ideal. But I feel like I should be able to rise above it, more than I am now anyhow. Im better than I was, I was having issues with self care, I wasnt showering unless I absolutely had to, I wasnt changing my clothes, I was sleeping in the same clothes I was wearing during the day. I wasnt eating properly, either too little or too much, something I have been struggling with, with the whole thing with my sister lately, too little. As much as I am trying now, I am making sure I shower each day, change my clothes each day, Im investing in some decent products to look after myself, I got my birthday presents to be that stuff and Im using them, I still feel miserable for the most part. Im not satisfied with my life at all, I feel like Im doing the best I can with the resources at hand (why I decided to start seeing you) but still I feel like I should be doing so much better. I feel like Mum and Dad expect me to be more typical, more normal, like at my age I should have my shit together, I should have money behind me, a car, a house, be married etc. even though they know I dont want to own a house or get married, even though they know the medical expenses Ive faced since I did my back and then later had my brief psychotic break. Even though I spent so much money looking after my sister without them pitching in. Even though Ive had to deal with their crap, their bias for my sister, them treating me like I dont matter, like Im not special or important, especially when compared to my sister, Church, work etc. Even though they made sure that I knew work was more important than my health. I would get grief anytime I had time off due to my pain, being sick, whatever and I havent had an apology since its been revealed that I do indeed have a physical issue with my spine, that I have an issue with my sleep, etc. That maybe I wasnt putting it on, maybe I dont have a low pain threshold, maybe, just maybe I was taking time off because I really had issues to deal with and that meant I couldnt work as well.

Despite knowing this stuff now, I still feel like I should be back at work now, not off on income protection. I mean, I want to go back to work because I feel like I am lacking purpose and reason. I also enjoy work, Ive had little time off since I started working, even as a young person I worked in my school holidays. My first job was at 12, picking potatoes, which I did for years. I was off work for 18mths or so with the brief psychotic episode but I havent taken much in holidays, for the most part with Westpac my annual leave was used as sick leave the only holidays I got was with long service leave, but even then much was used for sick leave, Im pretty sure I had major surgery and I used my long service leave for that.

I know I cant work at the moment, Dad occasionally says about me going back, as if he thinks I should be able to but just my sleep issues alone make it basically impossible. I dont know when I going to be able to sleep or when I will have to sleep, like I have no choice in the matter. Im as forgetful as they come, I would have trouble learning how to do my job again or retain that information because I am chronically exhausted. I get a few hours of sleep most days and even then its not real sleep as my blood oxygen goes as low as 73%. I dont remotely have any kind of sleeping pattern, I nap a couple hours at a time with varying lengths of being awake in between, not having a decent 8 hrs sleep and up for 16 hrs. So, I have no idea how Dad expects me to manage to go to work. This doesnt include my pain, Im reducing my pain medication because of hyperalgesia so Im in a crap load more pain. Each step down, the intensity starts again and its worse each time. Then there is my shoulders, they are focusing on my left one at the moment and its taken over 6mths for them to get something that is being helpful with that but my right is getting worse and worse and they havent even done MRI’s on that one yet. I need surgery on both, what they are doing at the moment is just a stop gap because I need to lose weight to be able to have the surgery I need. Not to mention all the appointments Ive needed and will need. Also, I have trouble with verbalising things, conversations tend to get me confused and twisted around. I struggle to keep up most the time and I get worn out by them pretty quickly, how on earth do I deal with customer phone calls? So going back to work currently isnt an option, as much as Id like it to be. But Dads pressure, thats too strong of a word but the only one I can think of, its not helpful.

See the above, Ive gone off on a tangent because Im frustrated about things, Im frustrated with my life and how my family are judging my life. My sister is far worse than either of my parents, she loves to push that I have a low pain threshold, that Im weak and pathetic etc. which my Mum jumps on board with. Though at the moment she is leaving me alone about this. She once told me that Im not allowed to go on disability, both my Mum and Sister are, though I dont understand fully why or how my sister got on it, she seems to be far more capable than I am. I wasnt allowed too, which Mum agreed with, because the family couldnt afford it, as it now turns out my sister has been stealing from my parents. I dont want to go on disability, it would be my last resort. But it was nice to know that my sister and parents completely had my back regardless of what I needed medically.

[ClockFace]

My sleep is really messed up at the moment, even worse than normal. Im sleeping a couple hours a couple times a day. Im awake through the night and day. My sleep is not great, I dont feel at all refreshed when I wake up. The stats that I can see (app and CPAP machine) shows that my sleep Im having is poor. I feel exhausted, like I havent slept for days all the time. From the moment I wake up, this stuff with my sister is on my mind, right to the moment I go to sleep. I cant get it out of my head. I dont understand how a person can do the things she has done to my parents and I and then basically act like she hasnt done a thing. How she can effectively steal over $50k, borrow thousands more and not pay it back and then sell stuff to my Mum and have the balls to ask her to give her the money for it, while asking for the money you kept from Mum that Mum gave her to buy something for Mum that she didnt go on her bill. That shit amazes me, it should also amaze me but doesnt, Mum agreed. Mum is so wrapped around my sisters little finger its unbelievable. I smoke some of Mums smokes if Ive run out or fallen short for the month and Mum ends up having a shit fit, even though I buy her enough packets to make up what I had smoked and/or give her the equivalent in cash the moment I have the money to. I never let it be that I owe her, I always make sure I cover my debt. But its only now that my Mum is saying she is going to stop lending my sister money. Dad’s cut her off finally, after tens of thousands being lent and not paid back but he basically has written off being repaid for around $100k because she only gets disability. On the other hand, I borrowed $25k to fund looking after my sister when she was in hospital and he pressures me to repay that, even though Im only on income protection and my medical costs are massive at the moment. His expectation is that is that I pay everything I can, everything other than my cost of living until its paid but Im only going to be paying a set amount this time, an amount I can maintain and allows me to buy stuff like clothes, personal care, etc. products and then put money aside to save up for a new car.

Mum typically has little time or affection for me, but since she has realised what I have been saying about my sister and what she has been doing she has been far more affectionate and giving more time of day than before. I kinda feel like its only because my sister is in the shit that she can be bothered with me and when things go back to normal, because my sister will be able to smooth things out and get Mum back on side, like a good little con artist she is, Ill be dropped once again in favour of my sister, because Mum cant show love and affection to both of us at the same time.

My sister has been in and out of hospital over the past year, there abouts and is currently in a facility doing a program to teach her how to live with her mental health issues, though I think it’s more a holiday for her, a way to get away from home and have the NDIS pay for it. While she has been there, she met a guy who is in the same program. Ever since she has ignored the rest of the family unless she wants something from us. Recently she sent a message asking that when she gets out if this guy can come stay over night on weekends. We dont know him, I think Mum has met him twice, Dad a few times and me once. Dad is a Christian and lives that life, so of course he is against it, especially them sharing a bed. I dont know him and I have issues with socialising and dealing with people, especially strangers, I have sleep issues to begin with but I wouldnt be able to sleep at all with a stranger staying over. My sister might think she knows him, but she has known him for like 6 weeks. I was allowed to have a female friend stay over years ago but I had known her for years and my parents had met her a number of times and knew a lot about her. We know basically nothing about this guy. Anyhow, my Mum talked with my Dad and got him to kinda agree to a fortnightly arrangement but then asked my sister to tell us a bit about the guy. Granted the wording used wasnt great but my sister took a great deal of offence and stopped talking to my Mum. She came home twice within a couple of days, both times refusing to see my Mum, which pushed my Mum over the edge. Mum and my sister are really close, or were at least and everything combined just hurt Mum so much. Eventually my sister contacted Mum but it was to see if she would buy some rings, she obviously couldnt sell online. Mum confronted my sister about some of the stuff going on and my sister claimed that there was nothing going on and she didnt know what Mum was talking about, even though Mum has spelled out what was bugging her minutes before. My sister had also claimed that she hadnt asked that the guy be allowed to stay immediately, that it was down the track once we had a chance to get to know him, not the message she sent Mum but tried to pull a fast one on Dad.

My sister also decided not to come to my birthday, claiming she was busy, she was going out with the fella one day and according to the fella, who I met for the second time on my birthday when my sister came up for some stuff and claimed she was coming to see me for my birthday, which would be difficult seeing she spent no time with me, he said they had no plans for that afternoon, so she could have had a meal with us that afternoon. She also claimed she had forgotten my birthday present, which would be completely uncharacteristic of her, she is far to organised for that, I dont believe there was or will be a present coming. Im very hurt.

Mum and Dad gave me $300 cash for my birthday, I asked for cash this year so I could buy some Brickell products, skin care products for men, a beard straightener and a new quilt cover set. I have a list of things Im trying to slowly buy and these were high on the list. I have been buying skin, hair, dental and beard care products over the past couple of months. I have a budget where replenishing them can be saved up for, its just getting started thats the difficulty. Im also trying to buy more adult type things for my room, like quilt covers. At the moment I have a transformers (I think) cover my sister bought me. I havent had the money or inclination to do anything before and I couldnt tell my sister to stop with the kid stuff but Ive got over that and have been selling the toys and shit she has bought me that I dont use. Ive used that money for medical expenses but also to buy personal care products and stuff for my new diet.

Ive done well with my new diet, Im keeping to it for the most part and Im losing weight and feeling better. For the most part my acne has been better than before, Im hoping that with the new skin products which are all for acne prone skin, that Ill be able to manage the acne and really lower the number of boils Im getting.

Ive got my room sorted out the way I want it now. Ive gotten Dad to add another shelf to my wardrobe so that I can put my linen there and not in a drawer. I was going to run out of room soon in the drawer plus it gave me room for other shit of mine, that I dont have time for.

Ive been doing a lot of writing lately, Ive written on here but also to my psychologist. I think after what Ive written to her she has a pretty good idea of who I am and whats happened in my life up to this point. I kinda figured that Id tell her about myself, how I think and feel, the things in my life that have happened to me and Ive done. Looking back over it all I realise my life has been pretty unremarkable. There has been some highlights, like running my own business and at the time being in senior leadership of a church. Ive pretty much just floated through life. But Ive always tried to be kind to those I come in contact with, Ive always made it a point to be respectful of those who serve me, ie people at shops, petrol stations and the like.

Recently I have been focused on my personal growth, taking care of myself, something I never have before. Looking back at what Ive been writing I realise that a good part of the reason why I think thats the case is because I dont feel like my family has ever treated me as special, as important, hell even as at all relevant. I feel like my sister got most of Mum’s attention through out or lives, Dad wasnt around for the most part so I didnt get anything much from him either. My sister was much more active, she always had to be the centre of attention, she had to have Mums attention or Mum needed to be attentive to her or she would do something she shouldnt do. I on the other hand just kept to myself, I played quietly, I didnt rock the boat at all, I more or less did as I was told, which I always maintain has been more than my sister because its been easier to get me to do stuff, than make my sister actually do as she was asked. As I said before, my Dad was away for most of my birthdays growing up because of work or at church so even my birthday wasnt a special day. If my parents couldnt show me that I was special and worth the same attention as my sister, even to the point that my Dad agrees that its the case but Mum maintains she treated/treats us equally, then how could I think I was worth caring for myself? If I had, had friends at school I might have found that quality from them but I couldnt even have friends. Mum seems to think that, as a kid, the children of her girlfriends coming up to visit in some school holidays or us going to visit them would count but really, spending a couple weeks a year with them doesnt count, I needed friends my own age, in my own town, that I could spend time with whenever that I could talk to when ever. There was no contact between visits, it wasnt really a friendship you cant FIFO a friend, especially one that has been picked by your Mum because its convenient for her. Dont get me wrong, I like them, I love them, Ive known them my whole life but the relationship is different between them and me and my friend that I made when I was about 8. That friend though was never really supported by my parents. He lived about an hour away and we only caught up occasionally, when my parents went up his way for church and his parents came down and everything aligned. We are still friends now, though we only see each other occasionally, he has kids etc and Im sick and we are around an hour or so apart again. Its not something I do well, having/keeping friends, I never learned the skills and I am very self reliant. I do recognise that I am not capable of giving myself everything I need but I feel like I am too old and too far gone to be able to make sufficient room and to actually open up and trust someone enough to be a real friend. My parents keeping me in the town where I grew up, where I was universally disliked and hated by my peers, where I had better relationships with people 20 years older than me, robbed me of my ability to learn the normal social skills. I was so hated and so abused by my class mates that I tried to convince my parents to send me to boarding school but they didnt want to split up the family. I still have pretty serious issues with them because of what they robbed me of, that they put themselves ahead of my own development and allowed me to grow up not only without friends but being physically abused regularly and psychologically tormented on a daily basis.

Mum is one of the most controlling people I know, closely followed by my Dad. The difference between them is Mum is very direct and Dad is very indirect. As a kid I didnt really see how controlling Dad was, it wasnt until I was older and I became more aware/involved in the adult discussions where I saw him pushing his agenda etc. onto us via money, Mum, manipulation and the really big one, religion. Mum just forced her control upon me via fear, intimidation and “discipline”.

I lost my license when I was around 24. They changed a lot of the speed limits from 60km to 50km and I had a lot of trouble adjusting and kept getting caught doing like 62km in a 50km zone. I worked in the city and getting a bus from where I lived wasnt an option so I moved in with someone from the church I was going to at the time and his Mum. I lived there for a while until I found a place of my own. I lived out of home for over a decade but I had to move home after I had a Brief Psychotic Episode. I think a combination of living out of home and managing and the changes I experienced as a result of the Brief Psychotic Episode I became more or less immune to most of Mum and Dads ways of enforcing their control. It took a while, it wasnt immediate but I realised what they were doing and I realised that I didnt have to be afraid of them, that I didnt have to participate. In some ways, it has been a journey that is still going on until today. While Mum has backed down on almost everything, the one area she still has had a huge fight in her about is my sister but maybe, if she sticks to what she is saying at the moment, my sister has finally kicked Mum in the guts one too many times and is finally starting to see that my sister isnt everything she thought she was.

Its difficult living at home after a decade of living alone. Its been a bit over a decade that Iived at home again but a lot has happened during that time. Personally, my spinal issues have dramatically worsened, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer and I also became incredibly unwell, Ive dealt with really bad depression and been diagnosed first with Bipolar 2 with Psychotic Features and more recently and more appropriately Schizoaffective Affective Disorder along with some anxiety disorders that have become more intense and crippling over the years.

My family has had its issues as well, my sister has had her own issues, though I do find them hard to nail down. Like, her diagnosis’s. Mum had an accident at home and now has an acquired brain injury and her heart condition worsened dramatically and has had open heart surgery and a fair number of procedures to try and manage it. Dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, Crones and an undiagnosed stomach issue.

I shouldnt be so flippant about my sister, she ended up with Compartment Syndrome and had to have surgery to open up the muscles in the bottom of her legs. This left her with nerve pain and she had a spinal stimulator implanted. She recently had to have the battery replaced and it ended up infected and they had to remove the whole thing. She has some mental health issues as well. There is apparently or seemingly a whole list of other issues that she has, I just cant seem to get a list of diagnosis’s (you know what I mean). Its like a series of minor issues but they are made out to be massive things. I dont doubt my sister is unwell, I dont think its nearly as bad as its made out to be. She doesnt currently have a spinal cord stimulator and yet she still managed to help unpack a flat pack kitchen for the fella’s Mum. She apparently cant get around the backyard because it is too uneven (its pretty flat TBH) but she is walking around on a beach on a regular basis. I dont understand because she goes on about how Im pathetic etc. but I cant manage to walk around a freaking supermarket, let alone a beach. I struggle to unpack my delivered, to my room, shopping.

When my sister was young, 18-21ish she was in a couple of relationships, the first was really bad, really abusive on every level. I wont go into it here because it might be a bit much, its probably not SANE safe. Anyhow, she got into another relationship after that and that wasnt so great either. After the first one though Mum became super obsessed with my sister, super protective and tried to buy her affection and happiness. I think that is a big part of the reason we are in the situation we are in now. Like, what does Mum expect if she is going to buy my sister, even if she does so by making my Dad pay for it for so long, when Dad stops Mum is going to have to pay and then realise the actual cost.

I have a lot, a lot, a lot of limitations. There are so many things I cant or I shouldnt do but generally speaking they arent at all respected. Something as simple as, I cant wash the dishes, I can use a dishwasher and do, but most dont realise that when you wash the dishes you do slightly bend forward, probably a bit more for me than most because of my size. This wont bother most people, but doing this for an extended period of time causes me a great deal of pain and if I am having a bad day to begin with, the additional pain will prevent me from doing the dishes. But for so long, I would get told that if there wasnt enough room for all the dishes in the dishwasher, then I should wash the dishes by hand. In general I am treated like I should just be able to suck it up and keep going. On the other hand my sister does stuff she says she cant do when its for the rest of us and its treated like she is pushing through to get what she wants done. She is so resilient.

Mum and Dad still argue on a regular basis and its over just about everything. One of their biggest issues is each wants things one way and they arent willing to budge on what they want, they cant see it the others way, they cant even discuss something, its a statement of demands and thats it. They both end up talking to my sister or I about what they are demanding, trying to get us to intervene on their behalf and they both only tell us what they think we want to hear. I think Dad is worse at that than Mum, Mum seems to fill in Dads gaps more often than the other way around.

After living out of home and going through recovery from my Brief Psychotic Break, I learnt to become much more self-reliant, more so than I had growing up in the environment I did. Mum and Dad keep trying to reassert their control over me, they use money, manipulation, coercion, relationships with one another, whatever they can. Sometimes it works, for a while, until I wake up and realise that they are trapping me in their little scheme or they have caught me and Im being manipulated and controlled. Then I put an end to it. Im pretty good with boundaries, fair one. I dont cut them off, I might limit access significantly for a while to reassert my position as boss of my own life, then I implement the new boundary and after a lot of fighting and carry on, they get the idea and we move on, until someone decides to try and challenge the boundary, then there is a short fight (normally) and we repeat, just with longer gaps normally. They dont ever seem to learn that this is the way of it now, Im not going to change my mind, Im not playing, Im just simply not taking peoples bullshit anymore and its worth the fight.

Im really struggling with my sleep issues at the moment, the doctor changed my pressure on my CPAP machine and since, according to my sleep monitoring app, I havent been having REM cycles, not even going into REM or deep sleep for the most part at all. In the past couple of days it has really hit me. Im so tired, its hard to explain, my entire body is tired, my mind is lethargic, I dont have any energy, Im really irritable but I am managing to keep that under wraps at the moment, I feel like I have been out working on a potato harvester (a past job) for many days straight with no sleep and no rest, all achy, sore, frustrated and exhausted.

I know that my depression is starting to get the best of me, Im finding myself not wanting or needing to eat much. Im pretty miserable. Im not doing my daily tasks and my routines are all out of wack. I just dont have the energy to do the stuff I should be doing. Im managing to do some things that I normally fail to do when my depression gets bad, like self-care wise. In fact, Ive stepped up in that area, Ive improved the cleansing products I normally use, like better shampoo and body wash. Ive added things like face wash, moisturisers, beard shampoo and conditioner and there is some more to come, as my budget permits. However, instead of regularly having two showers a day, its more commonly one. I am making sure I change everyday but I am finding myself keeping my tracksuit pants on that Ive worn during the day when I go to bed. What’s the point taking them off for a couple of hours, just to put them back on again. Im finding that I dont bother making my bed again too, Im just going to get back in it in a few hours.

I sent my Sleep specialist an email and she wants a few bits and pieces before she will comment, it will take at least a fortnight to get this info, most of it is data recording, which means I have at least another 2-3 weeks of feeling like this, I have been working with the specialist what has to be 6 months now and I have just gotten a lot worse, its been mainly tests and data gathering. She has spoken about putting me on oxygen therapy and I really wish she would, at the very least do a trial and see if it works.

[ClockFace]

My sister comes home from the centre she has been staying at for the past 2 months on Wednesday and Im really not looking forward to it. I just know that there is going to be a lot arguments, a lot of heart ache for Mum.

My sister and Mum used to be very close, however my sister has been pulling away a lot and brutally for the past 6 weeks, since she made friends and met a guy at this place. She ignores some questions Mum asks and answers others, she borrows money for doctors appointments but she is driving everyone around and buying gifts for this new guy, so she doesnt pay the money back and asks for more. Dad was getting no communication from her until she asked for money, at one point she sent him a text telling him to pay for a doctors appointment she just had. Dad told her that night not to do it again and she claimed she meant him to pay with her card she had, though she had been paying for her appointments herself until and since that point. He has now cut her off. She did similar to Mum, she would only contact her to borrow money. She came home for her medication each week and the last 2 times she came up (same weekend) she refused to go and see Mum at all. Mum had asked to know about the guy she was seeing because she wanted him to be allowed to stay on weekends when she got out. Dad and I were against it, Mum compromised and said fortnightly, but has spoken to her Doctor, who basically said what I had been saying but Mum listened to him and I think she is against it now. I mean seriously, we dont know him, he is a stranger to Mum, Dad and I, how and why would we allow him to stay overnight? Mum said last night that she feels used and manipulated by my sister. As I said, I dont want to be cruel, but I have been saying that for years. I think Mum too has cut her off financially too, though Im not sure she knows it and Im sure she will think she can manipulate Mum out of more money. I mean, the last lot Mum gave her my sister sold her some rings she had been trying to sell online and hasnt been able to. Mum paid her the money instead of taking it off her bill.

On Monday we have a meeting with my sister and the place she is at, I really wonder if it is just a, this is where she’s at meeting, or if there is more to it. I normally havent been going to meetings of late, I get too worn out and there is a good chance Ill need to sleep, which I find pretty embarrassing. Like, Im 43 not 3, I should be able to manage to stay up for the day, at least for a meeting. But I want to be there, if anything is said that I think is out of line, Ill be speaking up. Im not going to cause any issues but I will step in if any arise.

I must be a very odd person because Im finding all too often that apps and movies rated low by crowd rating I really think highly of. Like I always figured that the rating meant that they were better apps or movies, they are just more popular I think. I dont think too many people download a wide selection of the same app group and test each fully and make a educated decision on the rating given and it depends on the functionality they want. Similar to movies, I am a bit obscure about movies but a horror movie is going to rate lower for a fan of romance movies than a tear jerking romance. So if you dont like obscure, techy stuff and lets face it many dont, it will rate low.

Ive woken up after a fair bit of time into sleep last night. I dont know if my sleep tracker is having issues or if I am sleeping so lightly it cant recognise that Im asleep. But what it has tracked has been really light. Im just not getting any real quality sleep at the moment. Im really worn out today, Im not feeling very alert. Im really achy as well, like joints and muscles all feel really sore. Im coughing up quite a bit of crap as well, my lungs feel really heavy. I dont have a temperature or anything but I realised that its as unwell as I have felt for ages, I think giving up milk has made me less unwell, in the way of colds and stuff like that because I just dont seem to have the sick feeling I used to have all the time. But feeling a bit that way today seems to suck more than it did when it was so regular.

Let me preference the next bit by saying that this is not meant to come across as condescending or anything like that. I mean this as positively as I can and it applies to myself in the future. This isnt exactly advise, its my recent experience only.

I struggle with pretty bad depression pretty regularly and it goes on for weeks and months at a time. I have suicidal ideation, I have difficulties with self-care, I have major mood issues, no energy, no motivation etc. I hate my periods with depression. Depression is a real shit, I think that there is a bit of a delusional aspect to depression, it makes you think about things incorrectly. Like, it tells you things are harder than they are, that people hate you, that you’re worthless (more than normal anyhow), it deceives you into thinking that your life is less, that its just not worth it. It is full of lies and manipulations. It is cruel and unwavering in its attack on you. I talk and treat it like it is a separate entity, it is your mind attacking itself, its kinda like a mental health auto immune disease in some ways. But I do separate it from the rest of me, its a part of me but not at the same time. Its something I feel that I have to fight against, something that I have to beat. Thats probably why I feel like its a separate thing, its an enemy that I can fight against.

The hard thing with depression is how do you fight against it? I have more or less just been frustrated and angered by it more than actually fighting and gaining ground. Im forced to go to work by my need for money and my extremely understanding parents. It always bugs me, I have to force myself to work, I have to force myself to do chores etc. but Mum gets depressed and she will stay in bed for weeks and thats ok. She thinks its ok and Dad does nothing about it, but it would be hell if I were to do the same thing. Any medical or mental health issue I face is never that bad and certainly not as bad as anyone else in the family, which is a trigger for my depression.

We have heaps of justifications as to why we are depressed, I have a list of things that I know trigger my depression, my pain, my limitations, my family as a group and individually, where I am in life in general, etc.         

For a long time I was really, really depressed, I was having bad suicidal ideation, I had started working with Anglicare Suicide Prevention team, I was trying to get a new Psychiatrist and Psychologist but that was proving to be somewhat difficult to do. My GP was really worried about me and things were generally not going well, I was not doing well. I was at a point that if things didnt change for the better soon, things would only change once more.

It was at this time I decided that I had a choice, I could continue and there would be a good chance Id end it all or I could make a decision to change regardless of how I feel, what I was telling myself. So, I decided to change, it was spurred on by yet  another diagnosis, this time being that I had Type 2 Diabetes. All I could remember about Diabetes was from school, many, many years ago and it was a little simplified but it was that if you had diabetes and you didnt look after it, then you would lose a leg. That sounds really dramatic, I know it takes a lot to get to that point but it was an illness that I had some power over. I could chose not to do anything about it, to listen to the depression and allow that to have more power, if that was to be believed my life wasnt worth anything at all and I was ending it soon enough. Or I could chose to look after myself, not allow myself to get anywhere near losing a leg and from thatI started to challenge much of what depression was telling me.

If I could take care of myself in regards of my Diabetes, I could take care of myself in regards to my over all health. I saw a dietitian and instead of getting, you can eat this menu each day or dont eat this, eat that, she gave me the parameters of what I needed to eat. I could basically eat what I wanted so long as it met certain macro criteria and certain overall values. From that information I built my own diet, which I have refined over time. During all this, I started to consider things like my medication and if my diet met my needs in terms of nutrients, so I got a battery of tests and added a vitamin that was low.

I had also decided that, while I didnt want to, I needed to start showering everyday, changing my clothes everyday, putting on deodorant everyday even if I wasnt going out. I was only doing these things when I was actually seeing someone, going in for smokes I probably gave it a miss, but if I was seeing my GP I would spruce myself up. I was doing it for her benefit and to try and hide how bad things were, which was dumb as she knew anyhow. But its not about doing it for someone else, its about doing it for yourself. So, when you look into a mirror you see someone who has taken some time to care for themselves, to pay some attention to their appearance, to show themselves that they have respect for themselves. When we take pride in how we present ourselves to the world and to ourselves it has an impact on how we perceive ourselves. You do have to ensure however that it is not all about yourself or all about others. If you are dressing, doing make up, how you wear your hair, etc and its all about others you might become very self conscious etc. If you do it for yourself only then you might become prideful and arrogant. It has to be a combination of the two, you do it for yourself enough that you feel pride in how you appear but you are not overcome by it and for others enough that you are socially acceptable but not ruled by the need to be.

Since I started caring for my self more, I have been trying to take better care of my skin. I have some skin issues and I have never done much about them but I have gotten products to help with them, Ive gotten moisturisers, specialised faces wash and moisturiser, body wash etc. Im investing in maintaining and improving things as they are, with the hope that this stuff will also help my skin conditions eventually and then longer term as well.

The next thing I want to focus on somewhat is my living spaces. I want to make my room into a space that I want it to be. My family have been the ones to buy things like bedding, much of my clothing, etc. My bed, draws and bedside draws I bought when I lived out of home, they are my style, masculine, dark wood and leather (faux leather I would think), but they were matched with Star Wars bedding. I have got a new quilt cover, which is charcoal teddy fleece/ sherpa material. Its the material I like to sleep on and Ill build on that, Ill add sheet sets and that next. It doesnt exactly match the bedhead I have now, but I am hoping to replace my bed with an adjustable bed in the near future if I cant get onto the NDIS. Over the coming 8 or 9 months Ill save up and buy another quilt cover, some new pillows, and a couple of sheet sets.

Im still depressed but its not got nearly the grip on my life as it had 6 months ago and it has all been about decisions. Deciding that despite how I feel and how I perceive things, I wont listen to the depression but I will listen to the facts, to what is reality and I will make my decisions based on that. I will chose to care for myself, to have a shower at least once a day, I am for twice, I will chose to use good cleansing products and stuff designed to help me conditions, I will chose to eat properly (generally). Its not easy, its difficult almost every time, I mean Id rather a burger than a meal replacement shake just about any day but the end result is worth it.

It is like my diabetes, I have to chose low sugar, low carb, high protein to remain healthy and keep the diabetes under control. Its not simple, its not easy, its frustrating but I have a choice. Dealing with depression is the same thing, you have to do your self-care, you have to look after your living space etc. In doing so you might not resolve the depression but you limit its power, you keep its authority in check.

I might not get it right all the time, in fact I might not get it right for days at a time but its not about if I make the right or wrong choice each time, its if I keep pushing to make the right choice and getting back to making the right choice each time as quickly as possible.

Authority is a really important thing in our lives. We have the power to chose what we give authority to. Mum and I were talking today and she was saying about things that happened in her childhood and how they affect her now as a 66 year old. She gave me a lengthy story about how her sisters laughed at a recording of her singing when she was a kid, later in life my Dad said he didnt like Mum’s singing. Years later she sang at her sisters wedding, she sang at church, she had all sorts of people, some with influence comment on her singing ability. I said to her the part that she focused on the most was as a kid, what my Dad had said etc. She gave authority to the negative words and things done than to the achievements she has had since those things. I mean one of her sisters got her to sing at her wedding, after laughing at her as a kid and the other sisters had to sit and listen and watch as people applauded her and told her what a good voice she had. Focus on that but we dont, we all tend to focus on the negative, on how things have gone wrong, the words that have been said, the things that have been done. They hurt, there is no two ways about it, but they are only as important and have as much authority as we give them.

Things like this live on attention, our negative experiences and out positive ones will only survive if they are given attention and we can only allow one to survive, but the moment we take out attention from one and put it on the other it will come to life again. The old will fight but eventually, if you see it for what it is, it will die and new will have the authority the old had.

I struggle with the same thing, I only use Mum and my conversation as an example as we had it only a few hours ago. But in my own life I have issues from when I was abused at school, how I am treated at home etc. More often than not its something that I fail to deal with the best possible way, I allow it to have far too much power and authority in my life. I use it as a reason to explain why I am the way that I am. I dont have a lot of friends still, I dont have a lot of positive voices in my life but I still have a choice as to what I am giving authority too.

There is a place, an important place, for medication and therapy. I utilise both and they have both played massive roles in the above but I do think a lot of it comes down to choice. Will I have a burger or will I have a low carb, high protein meal. Will I shower regularly or will I allow myself to not care about my own well being. Will I listen to the negative words spoken over my life and empower them or will I listen to the positive, to the actual facts and empower my life to be the best it can be.

Depression is horrible, its brutal, cruel and all consuming. But you can fight against it, its a war, not a battle, so there will likely be set backs and mis-steps but preserver and you can win.

Im not any kind of expert but thats my thoughts and experiences, if it helps, if you can take bits and pieces away from it great. If you have thoughts or issues let me know, Id love to hear them. Its not a perfect thing, it might not work for everyone or for me next bout of really bad depression, but I feel like its better than sitting and hoping that my anti-depressants work eventually or I snap out of it. Its a tool that I can use to fight it with. If nothing else, I am doing the things I need to do to keep myself well physically while I am struggling mentally.

An area where I am failing, miserably, is with smoking. I know that it is a choice, each time I buy a packet, each time I take a drag, I am making a choice and its a bad one. But there is an invisible force that is making me continue as much as I consciously dont want to smoke anymore, something drives me to continue subconsciously. I know Im addicted and I know that that is the driving force, I have been through addiction to alcohol and drugs, while I did have help with the alcohol in the form of medication to stop, it again comes down to choice. It doesnt matter how often I chose, I find myself with a smoke in my mouth the next day. I am committed though, one day, one day soon, I will win this battle.

Mum said to me about some more renovations she is looking at doing, one is to reinstate the shower in the laundry, that would mean we have a shower in Mums area, the main shower and one in the laundry. The idea for the one in the laundry is that Dad and I would use that and the main bathroom would be my sisters. The reason being that “the boys are disgusting” according to my sister. I listened to Mum and later I came back and said that its not fair. Why should a) I be lumped in with my Dad all the time b) we be shoved into the laundry as a bathroom. I would like to be able to have a bathroom, not just a shower. I said asked Mum if she had issues when I was showering in her shower, she said something about a film left on occasion, which she blames on my oily skin but I cant see that, I mean Im not a toxic waste land. But in general no, she didnt have an issue. I said to her that I am sick of my sister calling me disgusting, lumping me with Dad and basically her getting behind that and making way for my sister to not to have to deal with Dad and I, to have her own stuff, separate to ours, like giving her, her own bathroom. I told her if anyone should go into the laundry its my sister. She shouldnt whinge and just get what she wants and push everyone else out. Whinge continuously and get pushed out herself, she doesnt need to be given more areas of the house just to her, she has enough of it, she has her stuff all over the place. She has a huge set of draws in the dining/kitchen area, she has her own set of shelves in the pantry and cupboards in the kitchen (my equivalent is in my room), she had the lounge almost full of her stuff, which is now in the spare room and my office area. She had the back room full of shit which has now been moved into sheds outside, which she has a couple of as well. She has the second biggest room in the house, my room is ½ the size of hers and Dads is smaller again. Mums room is huge. She has a huge amount of stuff, like so much stuff and its spread out everywhere. She has heaps of plants and they take up room throughout the house. There is an area where there is like 25-30 plants just lumped together. If I spread my shit out like she has she would whinge continuously about it or I would just not be allowed to do it but she gets away with it every damn time.

[ClockFace]

My sister has been in and out of hospital over the past year and solidly in a facility, a centre to people with mental health issues to learn to look after themselves at home etc, for the past 2 months approx. During the time she has been in this centre she made friends and met a guy and pulled away from the family, quite brutally, especially with Mum. However, what Ive noticed is that with her not being home and not engaging with the family, no one having to go down and bring her stuff all the time (common in hospital) etc. my anxiety level has dropped a huge amount. In general, I am pretty well calm. Mum and Dad are fighting less, they still not getting on that well, they still have deeply rooted issues with each other. They say they love each other but much of the time they treat each other like they dont even like the other, let alone show love for each other. But, the fights, the tension between them is far less.

My sister and Mum have historically been incredibly close, they acted more like a married couple than Mum and Dad did. My sister would sleep in the same bed as Mum more often than not. The reason being that Mum had surgery or my sister had surgery and one had to look after the other but it went on for more than a surgery recovery period or two. My sister was doing her room, so she had stuff on her bed and slept in Mum’s room. This wasnt overnight, but months. Mum and Dad were fighting so my sister would sleep in Mum’s bed, this was before the brain injury and the heart issues. My sister would sleep with Mum a lot and it was a lot less often about surgery. They would talk and in the morning we (Dad and I) would be informed of their decisions overnight, what we were to change, what we were to start or stop doing, how we were doing and acting wrongly, etc. Before Mum had her accident, she had started to pull away from both Dad and I, well me. She was having issues with Dad and I got dragged into it because of “You boys”. The family became separated by Mum and my Sister and Dad and I (you boys) far more intensely than before. That separation had been there for years but now it was a defining line. With Mum pulling back, my sister started to take the lead in running the show. Mum would go ape shit if anyone objected to this, she had my sister’s back fully. After Mum’s accident and the heart surgery, my sister basically took over, she told everyone what and how to do everything, including Mum, especially when Covid hit. With Covid my sister essentially imprisoned Mum in her room, even going and seeing Mum was limited because my sister wanted to make sure she didnt catch Covid and we still left the house. Since then, even with the main threat of Covid pretty much over, Mum still rarely leave her room.

My sister for a long time has basically been in charge, at least she likes to think so. My Dad doesnt really argue about it, he says he doesnt want the fight and he is scared of Mum but I dont think its really true. If he didnt want to fight, he wouldnt keep doing stuff that causes them and the same if he was scared of Mum, he wouldnt do stuff that provokes her. I dont think he wants the fight, but its more that he has allowed things for years and gone along with it because its easier. Now its getting out of hand, he has allowed it to be bigger than he can manage and he is powerless to control it, to reign it in. He never actually speaks, he assumes things a lot. He makes up excuses and doesnt actually say the real reason he doesnt want to do something. Like he will make up an excuse or blame Mum for why it cant be done rather than saying he is in too much pain etc. The really frustrating thing is that he gets ticked off with me, like really annoyed that I dont do the same thing. I cant/dont want to do something, I say no and I leave.

My sister and I but heads on this a lot because I dont just do as she commands, its the same with Mum. So there are a lot of fights and there is a lot of my sister whinging to my Mum about me. While I dont play the game, the constant being in shit for everything I do made me feel like I had to walk on egg shells everywhere. That even the slightest misstep would mean my sister would whinge to Mum and Mum to Dad and then everyone has the shits with me.

My sister had Mums ear and was always in the middle of every fight between Mum and Dad. She would go down to Mum and tell her how Dad did this or I did that, everyday basically. She was constantly reporting to Mum about what we were doing, of course she was never in the wrong, she always came across as being hard done by, that she was doing everything, with no help from either Dad or I. All Mums issues with Dad were encouraged, she made sure that Mum was constantly mad with Dad and I.

Now she is blaming Mum for her position, that she is having serious mental health issues and has been in hospitals etc. But I dont know if this is a game, I dont know if my sister is bullshitting my Dad and I again. What I do know is her not being here for an extended period of time, the house has less tension, I feel less anxious and in general I feel better and I think my parents do too.

We had the meeting with my sister and the place where she is staying at the moment, the main reason for the meeting was to let us know that my sister wasnt coming home. Magically, with no effort on my sisters part she got offered a room in a new house and she happened to find a part time job all within a few days of having to come home.

I dont have an issue with my sister leaving home, not at all. Once Mum gets over my sister leaving (which will be a while), it will go back to being much more peaceful and if I can get on the NDIS and get my shit together, its my aim to leave as soon as I can as well. Its that she has responsibilities and obligations at home that she has just bailed on and expects Mum and Dad to deal with. She has 2 dogs, when asked about them she said she was hoping Mum and Dad would keep them. They already pay for their food, now they have been paying for vet bills and she is supposed to pay them back. Now she expects them to take over their care for her so she doesnt have to get rid of them.

Thats the other side of it, she owes them a heap of money and now she wont be able to afford to pay them back. Mum’s on a pension and Dads retired getting payments via super, they arent well off or anything. She stole their investment into her house, they paid the deposit which she was to pay back once the house sold. They have now cut her off and a few days later shes moving out. Its all a bit too convenient.

Mum said I was bright red in the meeting, I was so mad. She has bled them dry and now she is just discarding them. Not just that, she is blaming them for the position she’s in. She blames Mum for her mental health issues, which isnt completely unfounded but my sister is to blame for much of it herself.

I got my books back from my sister, but amazingly the present she forgot to bring with her for my birthday didnt make an appearance, I didnt even get a fn birthday card from her. Once the meeting was done, I left and got in the car. I didnt say anything to my sister and I didnt give her a hug. Im not going to pretend with her that things are ok. Im wild with her and Im hurt. Im pretty much done as well, I dont much want anything to do with her, she clearly doesnt want anything to do with me, she doesnt value what I have done to help her etc. So, thats it she can deal with things going forward without me altogether.

I do feel bad for Mum because she feels so hurt etc. but at the same time I feel like I am finally being vindicated because I have said about the deceptive and duplicative nature of my sister for years. I have tried to tell my Mum that she lies and manipulates and that Mum cant wholly trust what she says, especially when Dad and I are telling her that what she is saying is not true or incomplete but Mum has always sided with my sister, she has always had more faith in my sister than anyone else and now its biting her in the arse. I still feel bad for her, she has backed the wrong horse and no one could convince her otherwise but maybe now Mum will be able to see me in a light that isnt skewed by my sister and we can improve our relationship. I think its too late for Mum and Dad, I dont think Mum will ever admit that her relationship with him has been seriously impacted by my sister and her their relationship.

Mum seems to bounce between understanding my sister has been like this for years and that its relatively new. I think she doesnt want to accept that she has been deceived for so long. She has said that she feels like an idiot because of what she will admit to has happened, I dont think she can handle facing the feeling if she admitted that this has been going on for around 15 years or more. I dont think she will ever be able to face the relationship and time she has lost with me, and Dad, had she listened to others who told her that my sister wasnt on the up and up.

What I really struggle to understand is why, why my sister has done it or more that she believed that she had a right to create so much angst within the family, to sow so much discord. I dont understand how a person can present a facade of being loving and caring and at the same time cause so much pain and division. How someone can manipulate their own mother to isolate her from the rest of her family and to turn her against them and then turn on her and blame her wholly for her own mental state. What my sister is saying to her care team isnt completely untrue, there is enough truth to make the bullshit sound believable. I just cant comprehend it, I just couldnt do it.

My sister has sent messages to Mum, Dad and I this morning asking how we are, which as far as Im concerned is all about her wanting absolution. Mum has responded and let her know what she thinks. Dad is working on the renovations and said he will reply later. I however havent replied and dont intend to. I just dont see the point, I am not going to absolve her, my sister will not accept, even consider that she has done the wrong thing or more so gone about it the wrong way and it will just inflame my irritation with the situation so Im not engaging. Honestly, I dont think Im going to engage with my sister, unless I really have to, until I get an apology regarding my birthday and all the lies. This is all the tip of the iceberg but she couldnt have a meal with us for my birthday but made sure a person she had met weeks ago had an amazing day a week before. She said that she forgot my present when she came up, but I was where she has been living, she returned the books she tried to take from me and yet still no present, not that a present is a big deal, but its the overall thing that she did absolutely nothing for my birthday after everything I did to make sure she survived a severe mental health episode, the debt that I am now in and my personal circumstances are so messed up as a result of and she just does nothing and now has simply informed us that she is packing up and leaving and we can deal with the aftermath.

I feel like she has taken everything that my parents have, left them to struggle through their retirement and anything that I should have received she has stolen from me. Not simply financial, though it really ticks me off that Dad just accepts he will not get money back from my sister that she STOLE, but demands that I repay the money I borrowed, to help my sister. He also admits that she was given much more financially than I have been but still there is no justice, no fairness. She gets away with doing the wrong thing and I have to suffer and pay for doing the right thing. It doesnt seem right to me. But at the same time, I dont think its right that my parents go without even more money.

My sister hasnt just stolen from a financial perspective but also and more importantly she has stolen my relationship and love from my Mum. This is something I wont get back. I might improve my relationship with Mum with my sister not being a factor but I have got the disabled Mum, the Mum that has a brain injury and isnt active, that has a major heart issue and suffers incredibly from depression, she got the Mum that was more active, was happier and healthier, a Mum who still had life. I feel like she has used Mum and to a lesser extent Dad, up and now that they dont fulfil or cant fulfil her demands on them she has spat them out and left me to pick up the pieces. And how do I express that to Mum or Dad without making them feel like complete shit, like I just see them as a burden, which I dont, its a go at my sister but anyway I express this feeling will come across as being a negative towards them and that is not my intention at all.

I struggled with feeling like I wanted to cry after admitting the above and stopped writing for quite a long time until I recomposed myself. Crying is not something that I do and havent since I was about 14. That would be the last time I remember crying in any significant way anyhow. That was over how I was being treated at school. I decided at that time that I wasnt going to allow anyone to bring me to that point again. Its also when I stopped talking about what was happening. I broke down at church, Mum was very attentive, I dont remember what Dad did but still after seeing me in so much pain, publically, they still didnt do anything to deal with the situation, nothing was done to help me deal with it either.

I understood that I was sad but thats as far as my understanding went. Maybe because I stopped myself from experiencing it but I dont feel like I can. Crying is used so often as a way to manipulate, especially by my sister and Mum. I suppose I also see it as weakness, in me not others. Like, I shouldnt allow myself to get so upset by anything, I should have better control over my emotional state than to allow myself to be overcome by them.

I dont really feel like its ever been ok for me to express my feelings. We had people from church around most the time so it wasnt acceptable to be emotional, we were to be quiet and behaved at those times. Being angry wasnt really tolerated for me either, it was generally angry with Mum or my Sister and that just wasnt on. I would be told I had a bad attitude or similar and often isolated from everyone, in my room or something until I calmed down. It was always treated as if I was acting inappropriately, that I was doing something wrong. How dare I be angry with Mum especially but also my sister. Being angry with Dad was far more acceptable. Even being angry about what was happening at school wasnt really allowed, because Mum just said it was an attitude problem.

Once I had calmed down though, nothing really was done about what made me angry. So, if it were my sister who had done something, I never saw or heard that it had been addressed, life went on like nothing had happened. It was the same thing if I was crying, I stopped crying so the situation was over and done.

I had spoken to my psychologist recently and said that I was finding it hard to speak openly because my tablets are set up on the kitchen table and I have no privacy. Since then Mum and Dad have done some renovations to the back room and have turned it from a enclosed veranda into 2 rooms. A mud room and an office for me. The office area will be totally separate from the rest of the house, Ill go through the laundry to get there so Ill be able to have 2 doors shut between me and the rest of the house. So Im really happy Ill have a private space to myself going forward. It will probably be move in ready in about a week.

It was made primarily so that my sister could have the space my work office was in and the room next to it, now she is not coming home everyone thinks it is a waste of time and money. But me having a space for both my work from home office and a personal office apparently thats not at all important. I dont particularly like being at the kitchen table, I have to pack up every time someone comes over, Im constantly interrupted and the table is too high for me so it hurts my back. So, Im quite keen on the new room but that doesnt seem to matter a hell of a lot. It shouldnt but it  does amaze me that her not being here is more important than what Id need.

[ClockFace]

Nearly a month ago my employer asked me to resign or take a career break due to the length of time I have been off work sick (a year). I was really hurt at the time, I still am kinda but they do have the right to fire me now based on the length of time. I got in touch with my union and eventually spoke to my manager and made an offer that I would take a 3 month career break but I would keep my job at the end, typically I wouldnt. We still havent got a response from them and Im getting pretty frustrated, it really shouldnt take that long to get an answer a few days maybe, we are talking weeks.

I dont know if I will be able to return in 3 months still, but Im pushing my specialists to resolve asap. My sleep doc wanted me to wait 4 months to see them next but Ive been emailing already because their latest suggestion is just not working.

I dont really want to lose my job, its a decent pay and I can work from home. I dont particularly love it anymore. Its not really challenging that much though I do like it when I help a customer in a bad situation. I think the big reason I dont want to lose my job is trying to find another one, dealing with interviews and the like, all that isnt at all appealing. I dont do well or like trying to sell myself. Its hard because I dont feel like I have anything of value to try and sell. Im just another monkey that can sit at a computer, I havent been to uni etc. I havent got an amazing skill set. Across the board I am really pretty average, but I come with an amazing set of onyx baggage, mental health issues, pain issues and general health issues. Where I work now have been pretty good with me about it all, I dont know that Ill get that again.

On the other hand a new job might just be what I need, it might give me a fresh break, no work baggage, a chance to grow and improve and potentially get promoted again because there is no history of illness and issues with a new company, no bias against me because of my health issues, it would all be new.

Im really struggling with my memory lately, I can hear something and still be in a conversation and forget what Ive heard. Like, Mum might ask me to do something and we are talking and I have completely forgotten what she asked me to do. Last night she asked me to get Dad to get some deli meats when he went to the shops. I told her to text him because I wouldnt remember. I remembered enough that she wanted deli meats but I had, still dont, have any idea what ones. I think pork and some kind of ham but apart from that total blank and its common, it happens all the time. I have to note thoughts and action items if I stand any chance of them getting done.

I would be certain its because of my sleep issues. 2-3 hours is it at the moment, max 2hrs at any one time and even then its not good sleep. The sleep app I have says Im not going into REM or anything like deep sleep etc. The depth of exhaustion I feel is nothing like I have felt before. I can be sitting at the table and I am so tired that I just fall asleep without any warning etc. I wake up after a short period and Im not feeling like I could go to sleep if I went to bed but then I nod off again.

I get things take time but I feel like the sleep specialist could be more active or engaged, act like this was a matter of some urgency. Its ruining my life, I cant work, Im limited with driving, Im short tempered, Im frustrated, really frustrated all the time. She is so focused on getting data from me but by now surely she has enough to know that if I say what we have just done with the change in pressure on my machine, we shouldnt have to wait 2 weeks while I do another sleep diary, just prescribe the oxygen therapy, even if its just a trial.

I dont get why cant be trying to treat the sleep issue along with the insomnia at the same time. If I got more sleep or I was able to have a more structured sleep pattern maybe that would help, at least a little until we sorted the complex sleep apnoea issue.

The memory issues have had a bit of a silver lining though. When they started being an issue I got myself more organised. I was organised before but now I have an app, Ive tried a few but finally got one I really like, that I have every task I do regularly logged and set up at the time I do it and each day I go through the tasks, one by one marking them off as I go. I dont always stick to the timing due to my iritic sleep or appointments etc but I make sure they all get done. All my tasks and chores, pretty much everyday they all get done. It helps make sure I get what I need to get done but it also helps keep me engaged and active.

I often feel really bad talking with Mum, because of her brain injury she tends to talk in half sentences with gaps in between and then she gets stuck looking for words etc. Its painfully slow and really hard to follow but because of my sleep issues, if I am not kept occupied I will more than likely start to fall asleep. I was just down with her, Ive been asleep for a few hours, I am tired and needing more sleep, but she was talking, it was more broken and slower than usual, its been a big few days for her and its showing. It really didnt take long and I was dosing off, Im pretty sure there was some snoring at one point at least. I feel so rude and inconsiderate but at the same time, there is about as much as I can do about it as she can do about the way she speaks. She is generally ok about it but I know she wants to talk and Im just not able to be there for her. Maybe if it were more of a two way conversation I would be more engaged and less likely to dose but its typically sitting and listening with the occasional acknowledgement. Even when you do say something as a reply or advise its normally discarded pretty much straight away, Mum can only see things from her point of view and any other point of view is wrong and should be made to change to her point of view. Mum is very much my way is the only way and everyone should listen to me type of person.

She was saying about how they were trying to help with her organisation and every suggestion she dismissed. She said to me the best its been is when my sister did it all for her but she is missing the point, they obviously think, as do I, that she has the capability to do it herself, I mean she can organise a heap of purchases from buy, swap, sell, organise their collection by Dad etc. but she cant make a doctors appointment and put it in her diary? They want to empower her to do as much for herself as she can and rely less on others. Mum wants to outsource what she finds irrelevant and/or boring. She cant seem to understand putting all she was onto my sister, like this stuff, is part of why my sister has the issues she has with her now. My sister lost her life and it was replaced with living Mums, though my sister refused to put up any boundaries. Neither Dad or I are willing to do the same thing. I cant, I have enough issues keeping up with my life and managing that at the moment without trying to run around after Mum.  

Ive been thinking about the person I have become. I have many attributes which I cant say I am terribly proud of. Writing about my childhood and how my family relate to me I can see where and how some of those attributes have developed. As an example, I have a lot of trust issues, if you have read the last few posts you can probably understand how these have come about. I have pretty solid reasoning why I am the way I am, I dont want to say that I have great excuses but in many ways thats what they are. Like my interaction/reaction to my depression, how I relate and in turn live to life events are a choice. I consciously didnt know or understand that my life events had caused me to become who I am, like I didnt consciously relate experience with attributes but once I became aware, continuing to allow experience to dictate attributes is a choice and now I have decided that its time that I re-evaluated those choices.

For example, I would really like to not have such significant trust issues. I would like to be able to open up enough to develop relationships with others, relationships deeper than surface level, relationships that have significance and meaning. I mean even my only friend of over 30 years, I would not talk to about 95% of the stuff I do on here. I wouldnt consider that I am overly open with him, Im as open with him as anyone and that is the problem.

With medical professionals like my psychiatrist and psychologist I tend to be a bit more open but even then historically its only as deep as I feel is absolutely necessary. With my psychologists I have tended to steer the discussion to comfortable topics, nothing too deep, too scary. With my current psychologist, I have never met her face to face, however for some reason I feel safer with her than I have others Ive seen. She comes across as actually really wanting to help, that she actually cares and that she doesnt judge what I tell her. So, I have felt more comfortable telling her stuff that I havent told any other psychologist, let alone person before. It is easier that I am able to email her and she reads what I write. Ive probably over done it initially but there was a bit of a feeling of wanting to catch her up. Now when she gives me advise or comments on something, she has more information about me and my life to base that advise, comments etc. on.

There has only been 3 women in my life of significance outside of my family. When I was a teenager I met a girl through our mother church, I would get to see her only when we drove over an hour for youth group, which was kinda irregular. When I got my license I went more often and we would hang out and I would spend more time with her. While we did get on extremely well, she eventually married a mutual friend. After they married, they moved interstate and we lost contact. Some years later, she separated from her husband and sought me out, a relationship started as a result of this. Misguided as it was, I wouldnt allow it to develop further than foreplay due to my religious convictions at the time. This was not long after my back injury at work and she helped me through this time. The relationship went on for a while but eventually she again left me for her husband and I again lost contact with her.

Prior to this I was seeing a woman who I had met at the local church, she was friends with the pastor and his wife. We were seeing each other for a while, she eventually moved in with a lady we both knew, as did I in the end. It did end up sexual but shortly after this she cheated on me with a mutual friend and left me for him.

Years later I again had left church and returned and I met a woman 9 years younger than me. I thought we had a great thing going, she ended up living with me for a while but eventually I discovered that she was lying about, well most of her life. The relationship blew up when I confronted her, she then spread lies and half truths at the church and my relationships there also ended. That was the last time I had anything to do with church or relationships in general, that was around 15 years ago.

I cant say that these relationships dont have an influence on why I dont want one anymore at all. My weight, my acne/boil scars (a lot around my groin area), trust issues, my family issues, my family, my insecurities about relationships, in particular long term relationships and possible marriage all play a part as to why Im not keen on them. I dont think I am really designed for a relationship. Mum has also said that guys always end up with women that are the same as their Mum, if thats the case I would certainly rather not. I always saw it as a threat, as a reason against dating. I dont think Mum meant it that way.

I have trouble making friends, when I say trouble I mean I havent made a friend in years. How the hell do I approach a woman with the intent of dating her? Im not a person who sees a woman and thinks that Id like to date her or even get to know her. Im a person who gets to know a woman and then decides that this is a person I could go out with but I lack any confidence in myself to make the first move. So even if I thought that dating someone was a good idea, making it happen is not likely. Not just because I am sure Id be rejected but because I am so sure that it paralyses me from taking action. Even if her best friend was to tell me that the woman in question was also keen, I would be certain that I was being set up. In every case of relationship I have had, either the woman has instigated things or it has naturally evolved. In every case where I have made the first move I have been rejected.

There are other reasons Im not keen on being in a relationship. I have a couple of disabilities and other health issues, most of which a life long. I spend a fair bit of time with medical professionals, I have a lot of limitations, physically and mentally. Why on Earth would I want to bring a person who I have feelings for, especially someone I supposedly love, into my world? Why would I do that to her? If she was in a similar situation, she would understand but how could I or she be able to deal with even more of the same shit and watch it happen to someone we care for? What kind of life would that be.

My limitations also mean that if we were to have a child, simple things like picking it up would become an issue reasonably early in life. I feel like both my partner and the child would come to have resentment issues towards me eventually. I would be needing my partner to do things that normal fathers could do, even to help me with things that are easily done. It would be very quick and just changing nappies would be impossible because I wouldnt be able to pick up the baby to put it on the change table. When that was happening I would probably need or I would eventually need my partner to pick the baby up for me to hold while seated. Later in the kids life, things like piggy backs, normal mucking around etc. all those sort of thing wouldnt happen with us and I dont think thats fair on the kid. I also dont think any of that is fair on me and it would cause me a lot of pain if I found myself in that position.

Im also not a fan of intimacy, either physical or emotional. While I have been intimate physically in the past, it was out of a sort of obligation, like its just what you do to progress a relationship. The last time that happened was over 15 years ago and my lack of interest in that part of a relationship has become much more firmly rooted to being more a dislike. Any acts in that respect have been done in the past for my partners benefit, so they felt desired etc. I dont know if I could keep up that rouse long term and I think that this would be difficult for any woman to accept, its certainly a uncommon trait for the majority of males to posses and while women do complain, particularly in later life, its been my experience they are just as keen when younger, if not more so than most men, especially me.

My Mum is still blaming Dad for things my sister has done. My sister had her support worker take her down to the city and then to a MG dealership where she test drove a car. She rang Dad who didnt support one way or another when she asked about buying one. He thought she would come home and talk it through, instead she drove home in a new car. Mum blames Dad and the support worker. My sister wasnt well so she is absolved of any wrong doing. This is a normal thing, it is normal that there is a reason my sister cant be held accountable for her actions and someone else, typically Dad is actually the one who is blamed. Even my sister spending the money of theirs from the sale of the house, Dad should have made the agent put it in a joint account.

It is always well after the fact too and never includes Mum’s ability to do something as well. Like Mum knew the money from the sale of the house was in my sisters account, why didnt she, several years ago demand it to be in a joint account. She at least stood a chance that my sister would do it if she said so, there was little chance of it happening coming from Dad.

There is also the fact that if Mum had sat down and worked out how much was whose like she said she would or actually trusted Dad to do it himself if she couldnt but neither happened for a very long time. If it had happened then maybe the money they were entitled to would have been transferred to them before my sister decided to start spending it.

But, the crux is my sister decided to spend the money regardless of circumstances. She lied and said Dad told her it was ok and she thinks she is entitled to spend all of it as a result. You cant just say that, that is anyone elses fault but my sisters.

When I moved out of home, what I earned was what supported me. Mum and Dad didnt do my groceries, they didnt pay my rent, they didnt anything. They might have bailed me out if I got in a bind, but I had to pay that back. When my sister moved out, they were down every weekend, Dads kinda sure he paid her rent, for a nice place, Ive lived in some dumps because its what I could afford and they did her grocery shopping each weekend, again I ate cheap because its what I could afford.

If you talk to Mum she has given equal support to both my sister and I throughout the years. She is very careful that she spends the same amount on each of us for presents etc for birthdays and Christmas. Yet even Dad admits my sister was supported far more than I and as for presents, there is a $6 or $700 green house next to the house that Dad spent another $3 or $400 getting put up that my sister got for Christmas a couple years back, when I got a stock standard set of presents. To add insult to injury, its not the green house she wanted, which was much more expensive, so my sister has refused to use it. If my parents spent around a grand on me for my birthday or Christmas on something I wanted, even if it wasnt exactly they one I wanted, you can be assured Id be over the moon and very grateful. If my parents gave me anything like the support they have shown my sister I would also be grateful, not putting my hand into their pockets to take out more.

It is hard for me to comprehend, Im ashamed with the amount I have borrowed from my parents over the years and the little support I have gotten. My sister on the other hand once told me it was my Dads duty to support her until she was married. She was completely serious, its a biblical thing. She ignored the fact that she should therefore be obeying my Dad and she would not be able to just spend what she wanted, he would be in control of that. She completely believed that it was up to my 67 year old father to supply her with everything she demanded. Who thinks like that? How can you be so entitled?

On absolutely every level my Mum and by extension my Dad have treated me very differently to my sister. Mum’s contention that she hasnt just adds to the insult, that she can sit there and give my sister $1000 and me nothing using the excuse that I earn more (a common excuse) and claim she is treating us the same is so offensive to me, dont lie to my face like that. Even more so, when I have been unemployed or I was on a traineeship they didnt provide any additional support to me because my sister would have been earning more. When I worked in a school and moved out, I was on a really low income and not once did they pay my rent or come up and do my groceries. In all the years I lived out of home, I cant remember them once paying for my weekly shopping. Hell, Dad has been driving the car that I do lately because his air con is broken and driving it long distance. He drove it yesterday to the city and before he left I went into town. Dad asked me to put fuel in the car, which I had the day before. I said its got fuel but he would need to chip in for fuel because I cant afford to be paying for all his driving on top of the small amount I do, I didnt budget for that. He said ok but when I got into the car this morning, I drove it straight to the petrol station again and put more fuel in it because none was put in yesterday. So, now I am going to have to argue with him to give me some money to pay for the fuel I have paid for, I dont earn enough to cover it. Had it been my sisters car that they were in, Mum would have made sure that not only did he cover the fuel he had used but gave her a bit extra. But yes we are treated equally, I shouldnt complain about it at all.

In many ways I dont feel sorry for Mum with this whole thing with my sister, she pretty much grew and nurtured this person to grow up feeling entitled to whatever she wanted. If Dad said no, she only had to go to Mum who would say yes and then make Dad do what my sister wanted anyhow. She empowered this attitude and now she is reaping what she sowed. I dont like seeing Mum in pain, especially given she still cant see or admit that she has encouraged this behaviour for years, so she doesnt understand the correlation. In some ways I feel bad for my sister too because she has grown up like this and now she is stepping into the real world without Mum to protect her, not that Mum can really protect her outside the home. There she commands Dad to intercede and do something, which is normally not done or completely useless. I dont understand how my sister doesnt see any of this, I mean she says that I get everything I want, everything works out for me, it doesnt, God so much doesnt. What works out for me is what I work for, I dont get to put my hand out and just get it given to me. As much as I am disappointed and frustrated by her at the moment, I do feel sorry that she is eventually going to get smacked in the face by reality and somehow have to deal with it on her own for the first time in her life.

Mum has serious issues with trusting others to make any decisions, any at all. She wants to be involved in every aspect of others lives and not just to advise in the decision making but for her advise to be the decision. Often when I did something that wasnt what she thought was the thing to do, after getting her advise, either asked for or not, I would be told words to the effect, why ask for my advise if your not going to do what I say. She has never been able to understand the concept that she and who ever else someone wants to engage can give advise, but at the end of the day, I am gleaning what I want to from that advise and making my own decision based on the advise I give myself.

She will tell Dad or myself to do something, like ring and sort something out, if we dont say word for word what Mum has told us to then we have done the wrong thing, even if we are successful, we have gone about it differently to what Mum has said so we are wrong.

Its amazing, Mum said that she was thinking that when my sister got out of where she is that she would take her away for a girls weekend. In all these years, all my issues and problems, Mum has never offered to take me away. She has encouraged Dad to, but all of us know that that is unlikely, but even knowing he hasnt taken me away she still doesnt offer to take me away or do something special with me. One would think that she doesnt really like spending time with me, I know Dad doesnt much either but he doesnt do much time wise with my sister either, though he spends much more money making it up to her than he ever will with me.

Language is an interesting thing to me. On here (SANE) I am unable to speak the way I would normally because there is a censor, if I were to enter a church or talk to a minister I would change the way I speak because it may cause offense, even when I talk to my medical team I tend to soften my speech. There are so many rules about what you can say, how you can say, even in environments where swearing is ok, some words are still taboo. Personally, with the exception of some words that have been used to degrade entire peoples I dont have a problem with pretty much any word, while words have power, they only have the power they are given. Swear words are no different to any other word except some people give them a power that they do not deserve. For my entire life the c word was absolute taboo, that somehow changed, I think it was my sister and now, while not used often, everyone in my family except my Dad may say it on occasion. It had so much power growing up, Mum hated the word, it was absolutely forbade in her presence, it didnt really matter who it was that said it. But strip away your emotional response to the word and tell me what is there that is bad about the word? It is a word that can be used as a name for female anatomy, it can be used to describe another person as mean, nasty, stupid, idiotic etc., describe a thing as being frustrating or painful or many other uses but it is no more powerful as calling a person a horrible human being or calling them the c word.