Trying makes it worse

[Appleblossom]

Thank you for your friendship @maddison and your respect and follow through.  We do not need to agree on everything. Feeling that pressure often is bad for the authenticity of relationships.  I believe it is theoretically wise to be proactive and take responsibility, but find it instructive to look at context... history, social, place etc.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Appleblossom @maddison 

I've been struggling a bit coming home but I'm also kinda laser focussed on staying ok....so it's not awful 

But I have my moments. Unpacking is so triggering and so is not unpacking ...

I feel like my head is so full of pain and trauma from the stay and unsure.

 Hope ur keeping ok , did ur book 📚 arrive ? @maddison 

I hope ur housemate is ok and ur as well, and Apple 

[Appleblossom]

Good to hear from you and that you are focussed on staying ok @EternalFlower 

Not sure if they put more supports in place for you or briefed them for better action plans.

We are puddling along here.  He has a low period where I barely see him after an injection. It makes me very sad but I have to keep going and keep as well as possible myself.

I made a beef and vegie satay stir fry.  Lots of home grown veg so thats good.

Hey @maddison 

[maddison]

Yay @EternalFlower so nice to read your post🌼🌷🌹💐

Hope you are ok. Yes it will take time to settle back in & find your feet. You will do it💜

HM returned few (Sat) days ago. He is feeling same (I asked him about trauma in an open ended kind of way - he confirmed he feels trauma after hospital)

You are strong & articulate in having the ability to express that. And it helped me & HM identify & communicate. Being male & lifetime of stigma & processing issues make communication hard. I know it gives him relief to be heard. His reply was that he thinks he needs 2 weeks to begin to feel ok again.

I am 'ok' - thanks for your kind words. We will pull thru I think. I'm having my own trauma. I lost lots of my confidence. Talking is hard. Well, writing..😊

Like @Appleblossom said a week or so ago. 'being tiny can offer different perspective.' 

Last night I was so low I recall questioning myself whether I was going to make it.

I ate a big meal. That helped. Then I watched PEN15. TV is wonderful distraction when my mind is lost. I felt more myself.

It took me so long to work out why it's called PEN15. Please watch 1st EP - if you have not seen it already. I don't know if it is your style? SBS.

HM unpacked and threw everything in washing machine when he got home. That was a new one. He was so hostile tho. The anger has faded tremendously now.

Here for you...& In the times I'm not.

[maddison]

Hello @EternalFlower 🌺8️⃣

My plans for today are - vacuum, go for quick walk & maybe do pile of washing.

The shops are too busy now. Do you usually do anything over 🌲? Last year I stayed home. It will probably be the same this year. I don't like the business & expectations. If I ever hosted a party - I might serve dineamics!😄 And no presents - only maybe a nice poem, or thoughtful word written in gel glitter pens. Or a drawing.

Are you getting any support after returning home? HM has had almost none. MH system is very wrong at the moment. I'm seeing & hearing things from lots of different places. I understand lack of funding/resources but this seems bigger... I'm sensing more.

I have 🎁 for you!

I took photos of clouds yesterday. I thought of you. They might be the best ones I've seen yet...cloud comp🤔?

  

I like the lines. Reminds me maybe of little waves on the shore of the beach.

I was looking at the photos last night. Do you see the eye/ face in top right corner. There is even a nose & straight lipped mouth.

 

😯

Trying to find motivation for my walk - the world is loud!

xx

[EternalFlower]

Hello @maddison @Appleblossom @tyme 

I had just said to my friend I wish they did something after U discharge for a few days, like staggered support. I'm sure it makes sense clinically and many people have asked for it. A lot of ppl who arent in the system have assumed it works that way "they'd never just discharge you without follow up" they've even asked if they call the next day to see how you're going...

I don't want to lol but I've never seen or heard of such a thing and they do indeed wash their hands of U after discharge .

That's a beautiful sky and ☁️✨☁️

I've had so much pressure since leaving and felt so stressed. Trying to work my way through this wild system.

Thanks @Appleblossom 

I hope ur son is doing well...and getting some sleep ? I've been medicated to sleep the past few days, it doesn't work alone so I have to combine it with some calming rituals and eventually I do doze off  ☮️

[Appleblossom]

They are great pics @maddison Good to keep noticing things like the sky.

I believe it is wrong @EternalFlower that the post discharge care is virtually non existent.  Lack of resources might explain it, but there is over spending in some areas and it need not cost that much.  

Yet it seems you are doing all the best things for looking after yourself, despite the wonky system.  

My son has been up and busy today.  We voted etc.  I did a litter pick up with a group. It was nice visiting this beach with purpose and friends.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Appleblossom thank you 💓was that beach today ?

Purpose is so important 

Meaning and helping keep natural environments pristine. I did a postal vote but was honestly fairly stressful as well. I had to go to the library to get someone to witness my signature as that is required for a postal vote and I had no one to ask as I live alone.

Hello @maddison 

I have heard pen 15 is great !!! Two seasons ? 

I am watching "dead to me" on Netflix 

My dr called me because I needed a letter to get out of something and that conversation was good, we spoke honestly and I said I don't understand why I was sent home from hospital when I wasn't ready...he said if someone shs it looks like they don't want to get better as they conceal and aren't being open with nurses. But he wasn't so black and white either and had empathy.

Today was sunny ☀️😻

It was a bit easier than yesterday, when I was not doing so well. Hope things are sunny and good. U have such nice set and photos 

[maddison]

Thanks for replying @EternalFlower I was worried about you today. I know I'm silly worrying about a stranger over the internet. I really do care. I know the world doesn't - maybe a couple of us do?

I'm worried in your reply you mentioned that you couldn't sleep & doing calming rituals.

I'm worried that you are self harming. Please don't be ashamed. I don't fully understand - maybe you don't either? Maybe it's become a habit you can rely on? Or the answers don't even exist! You have absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about❤️

(If this is what is happening) please let professionals know. Or tell your friend? Is there a particular time she could call you each day?

I found this app. 

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=uk.org.stem4.calmharm

Calm Harm.

I feel silly linking you to an app! Maybe it could help? I don't know?

Please know I care. 

[EternalFlower]

Hi @maddison @Appleblossom 

I had struggled with the sh today ...it's ok and really helpful that U talk about it here!! One of the only spaces including the hospital where it can be a normal conversation.

The rituals were like watching a show or this is bad I ordered takeout late last night as i hadn't really eaten all day...having something in me helped ...

I will be checked on tomorrow re the sh and I will be honest about it...but getting through til then...