How to talk / think about things

[trezx]

Hi Folks -- hows it going, I'm new here - I 've been wondering about things lately and saw the Sane ad pop up in social media...it made me think of something that has been on my mind

I keep getting halfway into a relationship, then a friend / partner / whoever says some innocuous comment and it sends me on a memory trip about past history or whatever and I ruminate about it and react / overreact and trip over myself trying to explain it all.

How do people communicate about this past life stuff without it causing problems, or, is it more useful to avoid getting into lines of thought from random comments people make in the first place?  can give more context  if you like, just not sure how much detail is good

[Jynx]

Hi @trezx welcome to the forums 🙂

It can definitely be difficult to talk about these things at times, especially when in a new relationship or trying to get to know someone more intimately. I think avoidance is one of those things that tends to only work for a time, but things that have wounded us often come out in the open eventually. 

It can help to potentially unpack the thoughts/feelings with someone external to the relationship first - like a trusted friend or a therapist. Do you have someone like this in your life who can hold space for you? 

You could also get in touch with the lovely folks over at Relationships Australia for some insight and guidance 😊

You're absolutely welcome to share some more context if you think it could be helpful. What's shareable is bearable after all 💜

[MatchaToad]

Hey @trezx 

It's lovely to have you here! Opening about those "memory trips" can feel like a lot, especially when they seem to come out of nowhere from just a small comment. It's a very common experience, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating when you feel like you're tripping over yourself to explain it 💚

Often, when an innocuous comment sends us into a tailspin, it's because it has hit an old bruise we didn't realise was still tender. Instead of viewing your reaction as an "overreaction," it can be helpful to see it as a signal. Your mind is trying to protect you or process something that didn't get fully settled in the past.

You don't always have to explain the entire history in the heat of the moment. But if a comment did spark a reaction, you might try saying something like "That comment actually brought up a bit of a heavy memory for me. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now, so can we circle back to this later when I've cleared my head?" Or you could say, "I'm reacting a bit strongly because that reminded me of a past situation. It's not about what you just said, but my brain is making a connection to something from my past."

Avoiding those lines of thought entirely is difficult because our brains are designed to make associations. Rather than trying to stop the thought, you might try grounding. When a comment sends you back in time, try to notice three things you can see in the space around you to bring yourself back into the present moment; it can work, but it also takes a little bit of practice and getting used to.

There isn't really a right or wrong amount of detail, but I think a good rule of thumb is to share in layers. You can start with the "what" (e.g. "I have some history with that topic") before moving into the "why" once you feel safe and steady with the person 💚