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[Faith-and-Hope]

You will get through this @Former-Member .... it's a matter of breaking it down into small pieces that you can work with better than large chunks or the whole cookie ....

[Appleblossom]

Yeah @Former-Member Just nibble at that elephant ..  .. like that previous post said .. Gentleigh Bentleigh like

It might hang around for a bit ...

dont stuff it down your throat .. 

it might your nemesis .. we all have to embrace a shadow side  ... 

make friends with it .. or at least a grudging .. hi .. yeah I can see you there ...

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Appleblossom, @Faith-and-Hope

I think I've been in denial a bit with it. It's hurts often, a lot now.😢

[Former-Member]

It back. The elephant is suffocating me. I wish I had just one person I could talk with who has this as their diagnosis and has moved on because every mental health person has a different idea and it's slowly getting me to dig my own grave. I don't know how to deal with it when all my health professionals are in conflict over it. Why can't we have a plan to be on the same page? Why can't I say what would help? I know some of it but shame is holding me back from taking the steps I need to forward with it all because I have to ask for help with it but when I do I get told to do it on my own for fear of dependence from most people. Most of the reason I'm so suicidal is over all this stuff. I don't know which way is up with it all.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Can you write yourself any sort of plan @Former-Member ..... as in work out some baby steps ? Focussing hard enough on the football on Saturday stabilised you for the time you were there ..... can you work out stabilising action plans for the various usual situations you find yourself in and at least feel more grounded about those to begin with ?

I know it's not the same, but I hope this analogy can help somewhat .....

When i first had to work out how to deal with "emotionally disrespectful" people, I worked out that there were patterns of behaviour that kept sweeping me off my feet and into a state of chaos, a bit like being dumped by waves at the beach when you have never encountered surf before ...... from there I began to role-play these repeated circumstances in my head and practice what I could say the next time to take back control over the situation. I rehearsed it enough that I could actually counter the damaging behaviour in the moment, and redirect the outcomes to what suited me in my own home, with my own children, on my own occasions ...... shaking like a leaf and with a wobble in my voice the first few times, but developing authority over it all anyway .....

With practice it became second nature to defend myself and my children, firmly and politely, often with as simple a statement as "I don't want to commit to anything just now .... I need to think about it / check my diary / discuss it with my husband ...." while I worked out what had off need me, and why, and what I could do about it .....

Had one of those situations yesterday where I was thanked for something by someone who's place it wasn't to thank me ..... assuming authority over me as if they had issues the invitation ..... and I was a bit out of practice .... I should have thanked them, just as inappropriately, in return .....

Can rehearsing repeat-outcome situations with prepared responses help you too ?

Perhaps you can work out a check-in that involves three people, so the fear of a dependency is not landing with one person, but is suspended between the three ?

And maybe it doesn't need to always be the same three, as long as it is three ?

Is it accountability you need most ?

Does that make any sense ?

[Former-Member]

Yes @Faith-and-Hope. I do need a plan. I got distressed because yesterday my therapist worked with me for two hours to get me to be ok with me and help me understand and accept what I need to do to become unstuck. I just had my appointment with my phams worker and I tried to explain to her but she is disagreeing with it all and got me in a muddle about what I need to do and I left there and came undone because I can't do any of what she is expecting me to do. And i feel like I'm being shafted because I'm too hard and unstable but that's undermining everything for me. And today was the first time in ages I hadn't had suicidal thoughts and they've come rushing back with vengeance and I feel week and hopeless again. And I'm so sorry for the negativity. I just feel lost.

[Former-Member]

And it's ok @Faith-and-Hope. This one is not your circus not your monkeys which is why I wrote it here. I'm sorry I'm full of emotion. Something else happened too. And surprise surprise I'm stuck in my car and mad as hell.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Oh dear @Former-Member ..... 🤕

I was going to say ..... just scrap what the phams worker said for the moment, because you were okay after your therapist .... so go back to the point where you were okay and try to pick that thread up again.

Is there someone you can talk through what the phams worker was on about with, and have them help you articulate where she is out of line ..... like your close girlfriend ? Sorry if that's not helpful. It's what I think I would do ..... try to go back to the place where it was starting to get muddled and write down dot points ..... slowly and carefully .... like untangling it ......

You can have a spout about what has made you mad if you like ..... and keep it anonymous by coding it .....

"And then the coffee pot said to the teacup .... how dare you criticise my choice of flavour ?? And the milk is not "off" ..... and you're out of your cupboard anyway cos I'm a COFFEE pot and you are a TEA cup ....!!"

Or make it about rabbits n chickens or something ..... it will just read like a story to us but you will be writing out the frustration with inside knowledge about who you are actually mad at anyway ......

💜💐💕💜💐💕💜

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member
I hope you didn't let that phams worker get to you. If you connected with the plan that your therapist worked with you on, then stick to it!
I don't know why your phams worker is working outside of the plan you're working on your therapist with.

2 hours working with your therapist! It sounds like you did some really hard work yesterday. You should be really proud of yourself.

[oceangirl]

Hi @Former-Member

I hear you. I think you are doing great dispute what has happen with the pham worker. The reason I say this is because of the things I see in you and observe here.

You are able to articulate your thoughts and feelings so well. 

You ask for support and advice on here.

You work really hard with your therapist.

Your straightforward in your writing and that is very clear.

Your reflective of what is happening in your life.

By you writing so openly and honestly you are not only moving forward yourself but you are helping others because many people feel like you do. What you are feeling is normal. Whilst I don't think you see the progress you are making, and you are making huge progress. I am so proud of you. Keep going- follow your instincts because you are moving forward, and this will give you more confidence and esteem.