My heart hurts

[-abbey-]

It's been hurting for a life time. But the last four years I just don't know how to keep on. I'm alone. I wasn't good enough for my mother, my aunt, or my best friend. I couldn't keep up with everything they expected of me so they cut me out of their lives. If I'm logical about that, they were all very manipulative people that made me into what they wanted, and I was exhausted trying to keep them happy. But I loved them so so so much. They were all that I had but also they made sure they were all that I had. Side note my father raised me, if you can call it that, because my mother left when I was four. 

My youngest kid moved to his father's seven months ago and hasn't spoken to me since. I don't know what I did wrong. Two weeks before he left he was his normal self saying I love you girl and constantly chattering about everything and anything. He was so perfect I sometimes wondered how I got so lucky.

If I died no one would be at my funeral. Because no one is in my life. And I have nothing to offer anyone, just hurt, so why would anyone want to be in my life. 

[PrincessLettuce]

Hi @-abbey- ,

It sounds like things are hard right now, and have been for some time.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

What do you do to look after yourself when you're feeling like this?

- PrincessLettuce

[-abbey-]

I don't know. I was always so busy taking care of my family and friends and I loved doing that. Now I'm too tired to do anything other than work and sleep. I used to love having a lovely clean house but now I'm just so tired and hurt.

[8ppleTree]

Hi @-abbey- 

Welcome to the forums, and thank you for sharing your feelings with us 💜

I'm so sorry you've gone through all that. I can't imagine how hard it must be to love and lose people around you, and not be able to resolve some of the problems. My heart is hurting for you!

You can wake up into a new life again, but it might take time. Where do you see your days going? You are a person, deserving of love, as much any other 🌷

Knowing that there is an answer for you around the corner, is important. 

Have you spoken to a community nurse/gp, or is there someone you can talk to about your tiredness? 

Here for you xxx

[Jasper_123]

Hi @-abbey- 

I'm sorry to hear that things are so tough for you right now. It can certainly be challenging to be left feeling abandoned by somebody you love without explanation. Have you tried asking for clarification? 

I know you are feeling dejected right now but is there a way to find community? Do you have any hobbies that you could do in a social context? Does the place you live have a community center? 

I'm worried by the language you are using and that you're thinking about your own funeral - are you thinking about suicide? 

[Tilz]

@-abbey-  Hey you so strong person ❤️ dont ever think that

 there is no one to worry. May be there are .. loosing a life is not easy . Think about your children. You should be there to take care of family as you love them so much. May be there will be a time to show how much you care for them

[-abbey-]

I tried replying to some of you but it's not seeming to post. I'm not going to do suicide. Thank you for asking. But I've prayed that I not wake up. My prayers are never answered though so I think it's pretty safe.

Thank you for caring. It made me feel a bit less alone. I just don't know how to stop hurting. 

[tyme]

How are you today @-abbey- ?

[-abbey-]

Thank you for asking. I don't know how to answer when I'm feeling like this. But thank you for asking. No one else does and your asking is something. 

[tyme]

Please know that we care and we are thinking of you @-abbey- .

I'm sorry it is so hard right now. 

You are not alone.