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21-07-2020 10:56 PM
21-07-2020 10:56 PM
Taken a while to get started here
Hi,
Been through a lot and managed on a sad day to finally sign up here.
It has been hard because the abuse has meant that I am no longer confident in anything I say or how I say it.
I am trying to come to grips with living alone after services helped me leave the abusive relationship, but I grive for the four kids so much. Worse still I was seeing the behavoiurs affecting the kids and worry about them.
Clinical Depression, A form of BPD I cannot pronounce, anxiety, immune disorder complicating everything.
I have been forced silent by abusive ex, even when tried to "speak up and stay chaty" about suicidal, negative thoughts. "Don't be silly", and left.(this when still together)
A long story and was isolated from friends and most family early in the relationship - 9 years ago, so a lot got bottled up.
Love the kids, was my purpose there, and what held on through the abuse. Now losing contact making me so sad about it all as I will tell them what was going on.
All I did taken for granted and much lost to me, material and emotional, in my leaving.
Rebulding to some form of happiness seems impossible and struggle to do anything. A lonely limbo with nothing much else than thinking about the,abuse lies, hypocracy, infedelity and how it all aftected the kids, even though wanting to move forward.
Psychologist today, again, advises terminate all contact and wipe the kids as they have been a tool for further abuse - but how do I deal with my love for them? Paticularly when I hate this lonelyness so much
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21-07-2020 11:12 PM
21-07-2020 11:12 PM
Re: Taken a while to get started here
Hello @SadUnicorn
You are most welcome here. I am sorry to hear of the loss of contact with your children. I had a similar but different situation with my ex when she made it difficult to see my sons. I felt part of me was missing. I am a fellow BPD person, also have bipolar 2 and ptsd. Heaps of fun. It was not losing my sons. Now they are older we have a solid relationship. Pleased to hear you have solid support. I know from my deeply depressed episodes that when there it's all you feel. It does pass. I had difficulty with my feelings of self worth too and still struggle.
there are many folk here like us. We care and are here for each other. Have a look
around, post some more. If you need help just ask. There are lots of community guides like me.
There are health professionals in the background moderating and looking out for people. It's a place I feel safe to share.
WriterMelb
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21-07-2020 11:16 PM
21-07-2020 11:16 PM
Re: Taken a while to get started here
I am sorry to hear your pain, thankyou for sharing your journey. The community will assist, many unique experiences of working through the pain.
Dockers6
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22-07-2020 01:30 AM
22-07-2020 01:30 AM
Re: Taken a while to get started here
Hi @SadUnicorn Firstly, big acknowledgement to you for reaching out & signing up.
I have a loved one with BPD, anxiety, depression & maybe some other issues that have come from these. Joining this forum has really been a lifeline to sanity at times & I hope you find it helpful for you in your journey.
I feel for you & want you to know that there are others here with you & just having a space to be able to say how it really is can be precious.
Speaking from my limited experience, getting plenty of support has been essential & you deserve it. Even though our loved ones can't necessarily help or control what happens, it still hurts & self worth diminishes over time, so keep reaching out.
I've had to make some tough choices lately & maybe the best help we can be, can only be by modelling healthy behaviours - even though sometimes that can feel so hard to do....
Wonder how old your children are - but I bet they know inside themselves how much you love them & incredible things can happen, so I encourage you to keep on loving them even if you can't see them for a while. Do you think that writing a journal to them could help you express it & could be shared with them at the right time?
There will be a way through all of this & you are stronger than you probably know. Be gentle.
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22-07-2020 04:31 AM
22-07-2020 04:31 AM
Re: Taken a while to get started here
@SadUnicorn Another welcome from me.
I am so sorry you have gone through so much. Life can be really hard at times.
You have some good support here, and I will tag @CheerBear who understands too well, all you are dealing with.
Its good to have you here. Take care.
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22-07-2020 09:28 AM
22-07-2020 09:28 AM
Re: Taken a while to get started here
Welcome, @SadUnicorn ...I'm sorry to hear about your losses, especially being separated from your children. That must be unspeakable hard. 😞
@SadUnicorn wrote:...even when tried to "speak up and stay chaty" about suicidal, negative thoughts. "Don't be silly", and left.
I have had this said to me when I finally got up the nerve to tell someone I was suicidal, in the past. It leaves damage. 😞
@SadUnicorn wrote:Psychologist today, again, advises terminate all contact and wipe the kids as they have been a tool for further abuse - but how do I deal with my love for them? Paticularly when I hate this lonelyness so much
This seems very strange advice to me!
@SadUnicorn wrote:Rebulding to some form of happiness seems impossible and struggle to do anything. A lonely limbo with nothing much else than thinking about the,abuse lies, hypocracy, infedelity and how it all aftected the kids, even though wanting to move forward.
I'm wondering if you are on any medication for depression? It seems to me that you could do with all the support you can get, at this difficult time.
We are also here to support you...
A handy forum tip is if you type @ and click on a member's name in the drop-down box, they will get a notification that you've replied to them.
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22-07-2020 09:51 AM
22-07-2020 09:51 AM
Re: Taken a while to get started here
Hi @WriterMelb ,
I also have 2 biological children, and advise some 2 decades ago was give them space and they would re-engage of their own accord. That never happened as their mother has deamonised me in order to protect her secret even though I would not divulge it to the children anyay. It seems the same is happeningh again
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22-07-2020 09:55 AM
22-07-2020 09:55 AM
Re: Taken a while to get started here
Hi @FindingStrength ,
I used to think I was strong. But now I feel I have been too gentle and not stood up against the abuses.Therein I feel I have failed the kids to.
Ages 15,15,16,18
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22-07-2020 09:57 AM
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22-07-2020 10:05 AM - edited 22-07-2020 10:21 AM
22-07-2020 10:05 AM - edited 22-07-2020 10:21 AM
Re: Taken a while to get started here
Hi @NatureLover ,
I am taking a medication for depression and have done for many years. Most antidepressants send me the wrong way.
Earlier this year MHS organised a medication review and after a few visits with a psychiatrist he decided it was to "dangerous" to change my medication due to comlex nature of my primary immune disorder and retated medication.
He feels frequent long term psycotherapy would help but I do not have access in the public system.
Yes, I am disturbed by the psychologist's advice and have been a bit of a mess sice the Skype call