Constantly miserable

[MessyMind]

T.W. mention of abuse

Content/trigger warning

To recap: i had to abruptly leave the family home back in January this year. I was sexually abused where i ended up staying for a month. I also went through some stuff of this nature in high school, which has only added to my trauma.

My family (super reluctantly) let me come back home in February - keeping in mind I've been experiencing really bad and long term emotional abuse here. Honestly having to return here is the worst thing that's happened to me..

I have 0 tolerance left for this environment and my trigger person/abuser who also resides here. I'm constantly stressed, anxious (have daily panic attacks), am internally angry and my depression is so bad. I have chronic medical conditions too and am very symptomatic daily. I just wish i could be in a place on my own..

I genuinely do not know how to keep existing like this..

I had to fight for myself real hard and am finally in Cat 1 for public and community housing - i know the wait is probably still going to be long & unfortunately i cannot secure a private rental, although i keep trying.

Being where i am has also worsened my eating disorder significantly.

All my existence is - is trying to remain in my room as much as possible. Not that it helps because the house is small & the extension room (where my abuser always goes) is on the back of my room. My curtains were removed, etc.. i just never feel safe & apparently I'm not allowed to get help for anything? According to my trigger person, so i fear leaving the house as much as i do being in it..

I don't really know where I'm going with this but thought I'd try and share something.

~ MessyMind 

[Jynx]

Hey @MessyMind I am so sorry to hear that you're stuck in this situation - especially after you had tried to get yourself out, only to encounter more abuse and trauma and then having to return. I am hearing how much it is impacting you on both the psychological and the physical level. I am glad you are reaching out and seeking some extra support.

I'm glad to hear that you're on a waitlist for community housing, but I imagine it doesn't make it any easier to be in this waiting limbo whilst you're doing everything you can to keep your head above water.

Have you been in touch with 1800RESPECT? I would definitely encourage you to do so, for both in-the-moment support, and to explore any options that might exist in your local area for stuff like emergency housing and extra supports. And if ever you're worried for your safety, please don't hesitate to call 000. 

You are definitely allowed to, and absolutely deserve to get help and to not feel alone in this situation. The community is here for you 💜

[MessyMind]

Hi, 

I really appreciate your response to my post. 💜

I have called 1800 respect along with other support lines as well. 

I'm supposed to be seeing a counsellor, however i had to cancel due to severe period pain and related issues. 

I think I'm going to try and go out when i can to call the reception for my counsellor and be honest about the controlling behaviour that's going on where I'm living - so they are aware of why i haven't rescheduled yet.

The only issue with emergency accommodation (that I'm aware) is that it's so brief. This person that I'm currently living with has already made me move out many times. I feel like if I were to leave again and not have long term accommodation, that said person wouldn't let me back here once times up wherever i end up.

I have considered 'living' in a hotel but it's not financially suitable at all.

I have been thinking of contacting community housing providers now that i am in Cat 1 to see if they offer any housing in the meantime through programs or something. That's all i can really think of.

[Nala2022]

Hi @MessyMind, I’m sorry you’re going through this, it really sounds like you’re stuck in such an exhausting and painful situation, constantly having to think about safety, housing, finances, and just trying to get through each day. That’s so much for one person to carry.

I’m glad you’re thinking about telling your counsellor. I know it’s not always easy to talk through certain experiences, but you deserve to be heard and supported.

I can also understand why the idea of emergency accommodation feels complicated and stressful when there’s so much uncertainty around what happens next and where you’d go longer term.

I think reaching out to community housing providers sounds like a really good idea. Even just exploring what options or interim supports might exist could hopefully give you a bit more information and support around you.

You’ve been fighting really hard in circumstances that sound incredibly difficult. I’m glad you shared here 🌻

[MessyMind]

Hi @Nala2022 

Thank you, i truly appreciate your words. It honestly helps me feel validated - as of course the person causing me emotional and psychological harm tells me unhelpful things that make me out to be crazy or something for what I'm going through..

I haven't gotten round to it as yet but yeah, I'm thinking remaining active in my communication with housing trust & other providers might be beneficial - even for them to just know how bad things still are while waiting on cat 1. At least it's better than being on cat 3 where i was originally.