Trying makes it worse

[EternalFlower]

Hi all and good morning 

Waking up here in hospital they are calling people to eat breakfast and wake up 

I had a rough night barely sleeping 

Am reading a book in main areas which is peaceful, I just xit in the little common area with book , it's like a little bubble around me.

It is interesting talking to some ppl and hearing their experiences with the hospital and they de the same as mine 

One nurse fell asleep while consulting with me...someone told me thF she's heard that from many other ppl. And for some reason it's young women he falls asleep on?

At least it's not my imagining!

Good morning all @Appleblossom @@Shaz51 @maddison @Former-Member 

[Appleblossom]

Hey @EternalFlower 

Finding your way in there.  Good some people are decent. Some hook ups last and some dont.  Its a really intense place, but sounds like you are being pretty sensible about it all.

Yes I think it is important to share stories and get a bit of reality testing happening, and add to your emotional awareness.

I spoke to that lady. We shall see how things progress.  She did not directly apologise, but talked a lot about not meaning anything and being for people with disabilities.  Anyway I was direct, owned my side of being sensitive and we shall see how it unfolds.  It was only about 10 minutes in a big busy room, but I asked her to step a little to one side so we were more private. A couple times of I corrected her, but I also made a moment of bridge building.  Its a weight off my chest anyway and good I spoke my mind. 

Went out this morning, spread some mulch with a group of environmentalists.  Saw a tiger snake and one lady squealed a lot.  Made a few jokes.  Working on not being seen as a patsy though.

Keeping taking Care all you wonderful people on this thread.

 @maddison @Shaz51 @Former-Member @tyme 

[maddison]

Hi @EternalFlower I hope you have been able to get rest. I liked reading about you in your book bubble. Sounds calming.

Yes Ryan Murphy is awesome. When ahs started it was like this refreshing & strangely familiar ghost story. I believe the first series in based on an actual real house. (They did an episode on Ghost adventures at the real location - it was fun making the connection) Hotel is the same. Unsure of story behind Asylum - I'm sure there would be real life events attached. As ahs has evolved - the last few series have been mix of current culture & imagination. Cult was fun - as it looked at Trump as president & the fears this evoked in everyday people. The series with McAuley Culkin might be my favourite - I think it was exposing drug epidemic / alien existence. 👽 This series might end up being my favourite... You are right... It's different from the others - I can't quite define why? 

Ryan Murphy is evolving....! 

That was strange that a nurse feel asleep on you!! Do you think other staff are aware? 

What is happening with the nice guy? Do you still chat with him? 

I finally spoke with my friend today. It was nice to speak with each other. I told him I will think about visiting him in cpl days. If you have any suggestions on how I should handle things eg. Would you prefer a visitor spoke lots & engaged you in boring daily happenings? Or would you prefer a visitor to listen? Or both? Haha...idk - if you have any advice for me. Things, that ppl wouldn't necessarily think about or realise feel free to share😊

My UberEats didn't show up tonight. I barely have the energy to care! I put in a complaint etc. 

🤞 this new guy is ok - a potential friend? ... He does love books?... I'm giving him points.

@Appleblossom 💚💜

[Appleblossom]

I had a guy in counselling drop off a few times on me @EternalFlower @maddison forgiving once for a bad day makes sense, but if repeatedly it probably needs feedback. There can be a misogynist thing where women can be dismissed for talking too much ... but women are also often good listeners.  Not all the time.  Case by case ...

I saw a series on psych ward in NSW where the young registrar was addicted to gaming at night ... and too tired for his day job.

Had a good session with my new counsellor yesterday.  I am setting boundaries left right and centre and she approves.  Maybe I am finally getting lucky ... some people on my side.

Thanks for your support guys .. gals ... sorry ahem ... cough cough ladies. lol Better not be sexist and how caz ... is too casual?  

I cracked some jokes about a man with a pitchfork, while we were spreading ,mulch in a community garden.  It looked so funny.  I had the wheelbarrow and he would fill it with the brand new pitchfork with 5 ladies working for him.  It was fine as I knew and he knew that he worked hard on the ground ... but jeez ...never seen a pitchfork so new... the joke just had to be made.  Never called him a devil ... just a bit wicked ....lol.

[maddison]

@Appleblossom was interested to read what happened for you on Sunday. Well done - even if you didn't get the allusive apology. I think - doing what you did takes lots of guts - I don't like confronting people at all. & The way you described 'asking her to step outside for a moment' - that was awesome, I would have lots of trouble & feel very nervous being that strong 👍

The few moments in my life - I have had to confront people - I would shock myself afterwards. I knew I always had it in me, but seeing it in action is a whole other level.

I'm happy to read, that this person was even a tiny bit receptive to what you were saying. Bullies are dumb- but they are clever in combat. The worst is when we get the courage to take a challenge head on - & the response is complete denial or it gets twisted & thrown back on us🥱... So tiring!

Speaking of - I sent a text to my.... the lady who gave birth to me last night. She had reached out to me a few days prior - silly me thought - 'oh she is interested in contact with me.'

Anyway, the text I sent was completely neutral - no blame or anything questionable. I had asked her a question if she could recall a particular behaviour I had when I was little.

No response.

It is/was actually really important information for me. It might have additionally given us a chance to connect.

If I was a mother - I would have answered that text immediately.

I have long been brainwashed that I am the problem. Another of their tactics is to try & convince me that the onus is on me. i.e they love me & always want a relationship with me - it is me that does not do enough.

Honestly, I could fly to the moon & paint it pink just to show I'm trying - it wouldn't be enough.

You can't fill an abyss.

It's good for me that I don't entertain this story about blame anymore. It's horrible that I see how manipulative & cruel my own bloodline is.

Good news is - I have seen the light!!⭐ That yucky story is an illusion that I'm way ahead of & is really so foreign to me.

Not much we can do with our pasts. See them, expose them, forget them, move on?

Happier thoughts....

@EternalFlower you will be proud of me...I bought a book last night. It sounded interesting to me& wonderful reviews. It's actually a kids book! Very basic - if I can get through it, it will be a new (ish) experience for me. What are you reading at the moment? Do you go through books very quickly? 

Oh, I was also sent the most kind & beautiful poem by a stranger on the interwebs last night - like someone I spoke to once, in a super caz way! Extreme!! was about ❤️ & acceptance. It made me feel like kindness in people is real. I don't need the ones who created the wound to heal me. There are sooo much better people out there in this big 🌏 than that!

Guess it might be lunch time for you now @EternalFlower my hm says lunch is at 12pm? 

You sound like a good jokester in your group @Appleblossom humour is the best. I would have trouble not commenting on an exceptionally shiny new pitchfork too! Yay for jokes & laughing xx. 

@Shaz51 @Former-Member @tyme @hanami @wellwellwellnez @Sophia1 

[hanami]

Hi @maddison 

Gosh, it always astounds me when I read about mothers being so blase about their own child. I'm sorry that happened to you and that you may have got your hopes up about a connection being made. No response from her is awful.

It's good you are looking at moving forward, as tricky as I imagine that is. There are some things/people that we just cannot change no matter what. It's frustrating but acceptance is the only way sometimes. 

Hugs to you

Hanami

[maddison]

Thankyou @hanami ❤️ I'm good thankyou. It was nice to read that you understand & relate from mother perspective...I think U are a mum.. I'm sorry - I get confused.

Thankyou for the reassurance. I'm all grown up! And my head is on straight these days (mostly) nice words really do help still 💚

Hope you are having lovely day. Sunny ..& cloudy in melb.

I found this story for anyone who is interested. I call it - pooh knew. 🧐

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn’t heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore’s stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

“Hello Eeyore,” said Pooh.

“Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet,” said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.

“We just thought we’d check in on you,” said Piglet, “because we hadn’t heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay.”

Eeyore was silent for a moment. “Am I okay?” he asked, eventually. “Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven’t bothered you. Because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.”

Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. “What are you doing?”

“We’re sitting here with you,” said Pooh, “because we are your friends. And true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.”

“Oh,” said Eeyore. “Oh.” And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There. No more; no less.

A.A. Milne

E.H. Shepard 

(I would add that Eyeore was there too🙂)

 

[Appleblossom]

The jokester thing is very new for me @maddison  Cracked my first joke about 12 years ago and working on it ever since.  

My counsellor said she liked that I was cheeky and a rebel.  lol

But it is not really a part of my personality I would never have dared give cheek at school or with my parents, relatives or foster families, social workers and orphanage staff, or bosses or boyfriends. I just absorbed everything, and ran away from home when it was becoming obvious my survival required it.  It is something I never regretted.  So yeah I know about questionable mothering.  I tried to stay loyal to mine to the end, but she was not loyal to me,, sometimes there can be too much forgiving as she damaged my relationship with my biological daughter, who does ignore my texts and money sent.  I do not want to make it a thing about my whole bloodline though ... but try and understand the survival requirements of different people at different times.... its hard.

Sorry your mother did not respond.  It is a tricky relationship and a lot of pressure is placed on it.  I am surprised by how many maternal relationships go bad, and then there is suprisingly a few who make out there mothers were perfect.  I do not buy that anymore.

I had not planned to aske her to step aside, but it did come naturally to me in the moment.  Been working on my spontaneity too.

Some people do not understand the concept of working on oneself, but it does come with studying, caring about, and doing a lot of therapy.

For decades things were too sad, which was not great for my children though I tried to do things they liked and was very child centred. It did not come natural to joke, and I always treasure some of my biological daughter's tender outreaches to me as a primary school and lower secondary girl .... I know Aussie culture values the loveable larrikin, but I had to sort out and stop being a butt of jokes ... hmmm .... Sadly I did not see my father laugh much, but he was gentle respectful and caring of me before he died, not rough or raucous, which I saw other men being ... someone said humour was in my genes cos I had Irish in me (which was a rare nice things for people to say) ... so I have since researched a little of Irish culture, but none was directly handed to me ...

@EternalFlower Hugs. How are things?

My son is playing beautiful gentle piano music atm and did 2 mini jobs for the day.

He almost tripped over an object by the back door cos, I put the frozen lamb chops by the back glass door to thaw in the sun ... oh dear the 'poet and not knowing it' thing is happening again .... lol

[maddison]

Hi @hanami 

I got a text back. It was cruel, dismissive & irrelevant.

I suspect (silly to make assumptions - yet I am?) she feels threatened that I am an adult now & require an adult relationship with her. I think her lashing out at me is a way of avoiding actual honest relationship. She is sadly extremely insecure person who suffered enormously in her own childhood. She likely does not know how to feel pride in her parental skills & can only communicate from the defensive. If I could wave a magic wand and help her - I would. In fact that has been my allocated role since birth 

We do this once or twice a year - attempt communication. I always feel ignored & hurt 

I have blocked her number now. 

This has been going on for years.

I am happier without communication with most of my family members.

I don't mean them any bad will or even blame them.

It's so complicated @Appleblossom I hope my post & actions, intentions don't hurt you in reflecting on your own relationships. 

There can be many reasons, one ignores messages or gifts of money (um wow! I never had that!)

Thanks.

[hanami]

I totally understand @maddison . Blocking them out is a safety mechanism. You need to feel safe in your life and by not having them in helps you stay that way. I had massive issues with my own mum for years. I ended up not speaking to her for quite a while as every time we connected we ended up having a massive blow up. But I have four kids and she was desperate to have good relationships with them so she changed for the better and we are ok now. 

Getting that text back must have been awful for you. 

Sending hugs

Hanami