Trying makes it worse

[Appleblossom]

Yes, most family narratives are complicated.  @maddison which is why I advocated for Narrative Therapy insight when I arrived on the forum. I have seen some shocking behaviour by mothers to children who are minors and adult children.  (eg on public transport)  I am pretty OCD about duty of care and roles etc now.  Been seriously burned.  One adult mother at church has a disruptive very rude female adult child almost 50, whom she is always struggling with, with good reason.   That person also did the anti Disability thing to me same day as the the more prominent bully.  I have just let that one go, as she is not in church positions of power, but the one who has to wear 3 hats and be in charge of everything... needed to be told.  I nearly caved and collapsed and believed I was unworthy of being on Disability or speaking up for myself, so I really appreciate the support here.

It is part of why I am a bit sceptical about trigger warnings.  Anything can trigger another person if it taps into their particular trauma history.

My story is complex.  Far more than any dismissive or airy use of the word "complex" by an academic or lecturer would permit.  It was another reason I withdrew from the Disability Masters this year. I just do not have to put with that kind of BS anymore.  I guess people call them red flags now.  Too many and I am out, now that I am older and have the ability to get out.

I am proud of my daughter.  She has worked her derriere off.  She has missed out on a lot too and stubborn and prevailing peer and school pressures have not helped.   Legally borderline and compromised regarding duty of care.  Borderline does not always mean the same thing. 

My daughter is one who is alive that I have had to cope with a lot of grieving for. Last year in Covid, I set up and pot in my backyard with lots of little plants in it.  I have thought of taking it to her place of work for this Christmas.  It has plants symbolic of our maternal line from my mother and grandmother.  Will talk to my counsellor on best way to approach it. I am afraid of more rejection and afraid of doing nothing.   My mother certainly came to my places of work to place responsibility for my younger siblings on my shoulders.  It is different these days.  Not sure it is an improvement.

I can be triggered all the time maddison.  ie last night when an 8 year old was praised for a really low level of good behaviour, I can be triggered.  One 'lady' told me to 'lose my culture' at that event (reverse racism).  A lot of the time, these days, I am able NOT to react to such triggers, especially if I can see the obstacles others face.  

Eg I needed a lot of time to process the Sunday thing (even tho it only took less than 10 mins) and did not go to an event I was invited to just to be home and quiet.  The fact of situation robbed me of at least a few weeks of productive activity, and other possible benefits for the church. It started middle 2021, if I want to time limit it and put WOMAN hours on it. 

Today I received a personally delivered card with cash in it for the funeral I played for a while back.  Not enough to worry Centrelink but enough to show appreciation.  The family were not religious but decent. I met 3 of them.

Thanks maddison for caring if I was triggered. Thats important and new to me.

@EternalFlower I see this as your thread, so will always tag you in posts to other people.  It is one of my 'observances' on the forum.  

[EternalFlower]

hi everyone and thanks for being with us 

I am getting a lot from reading ur words, they have helped me a lot today . @Appleblossom @hanami @maddison @hanami @Shaz51 

The nurses were bullying me a bit today, well one in particular was a bully and the other was neglectful ... But my dr comes tomorrow and I am holding strong.

I have been moved into a diff part of the hospital and struggled to move all my stuff and the nurse was kinda entertaining herself saying I've taken over the whole hospital. Fun !

I've been more insular...I moved because of wild and unabashed snoring from man beside me.....now I kinda miss it haha. Every night , from 9om' shaking down the corridor . 

I liked reading a lot of what U wrote @Appleblossom ...btw that show U mentioned is my favourite , Wakefield , about the ward. I remember a peer worker and I talking about it , there is a lot that is relatable!

@maddison so proud U got a new book!! And how dreamy someone sent U a beautiful peice. It is great U touch many people online and i am sure irl too...

I am reading many books here , I think next up will be Disgrace by JM Coetzee. I read an autobiography here bit triggering but good by Corey White who's a comedian.

My new space is snore free but I feel a bit cut off. I have felt lost here today. I'm sxsred of boredom. There is a lot of boredom. I don't see any point of the days , it's like im forgetting who I am.

I have a window here now and can look out onto almost a view. 

[maddison]

Thankyou so much @Appleblossom @EternalFlower 

I will try to respond properly in the future @Appleblossom you said so many interesting & valid things. It really helped me to understand you better & understand myself. Thankyou for sharing so much.

@EternalFlower popping by i quickly say hi & mention that you are not alone in that - losing yourself feeling - I have felt that on & off for the past few days & especially today. It's almost overwhelming confusion of - I don't know who I am anymore? 

Night 🌙 

[EternalFlower]

PS @maddison I'm reading "you" at the moment which is the basis for the Netflix show with the same name. It's really well written and I'm reading it in the voice of the actor in my head...because I've seen the show ...

Ryan Murphy ...Wow I am very interested in the house from Murder House...that was so funny with the two guys coming pretending to be decorators to make it look Halloweenish! Is murder house ur favourite ? I am surprised which seasons I like....I didn't like the witches so much...

[EternalFlower]

Hello, weird unfiltered late night post. Can't believe I'm still in hospital . The night staff seem to be a little annoyed that I'm awake but I can't rest tonight. 

I am feeling over whelmed..

I'm not sure how to sleep tonight , I had such a weird and bad day here . @maddison @Appleblossom @hanami @Former-Member @

[Appleblossom]

Ohh @EternalFlower It must be catchy. I have been up for hours.

Good that you are holding strong despite feeling bullied. Good you have a window. It makes a difference.

Glad you have seen that Aussie show about the psych ward. I could not remember the name and you did. I love contemporary Australian film and literature.  Reading Axiomatic by Maria Tumurkin atm . You might like it.

I am of mixed minds about sharing so much.  I feel vulnerable and a lot can be used against me, but I believe it also helps others. I have been walking this path for a long time.  I was going to come back and edit my posts, but I will leave it for a bit.  I noticed some facilitators do not share anything of value or substance, but a lot of thin air.  I do not think it is helpful or worth being paid for.

@maddison I was so not a jokester for 50 years! Its new and a part of my big fight back plan! lol ... Nobody wants to be a sad sack, but sometimes it is better to acknowledge the sadness than do knee jerk humour that  hurts many people in its bluntness.  That is one aspect of Aussie culture I do not like.  It is important to see the person in social context.

Maybe I am idealistic and hope for too much.

[maddison]

Oh @EternalFlower maybe you are feeling better now?

You have been there for a while now. I can sightly appreciate what a drain that must be. It's loopy that they are trying to look after us - tho too long in hospital can be detrimental for mental health☹️ my hm was hospitalised for 3 months!!!! This was only when I just met him. I don't think that would happen these days. He didn't have very good advocacy & the system works differently nowadays. The balance is still totally out of whack. It makes me angry.

Sorry - I dumped a bit again😄

I looked up You. Ooh it sounds really good. I liked gone girl movie. I like this intelligent psychological thrillers - specific ones, not all.

My favourite ahs might be Red Tide & the one in watching now.

Murder house was good - chilling - the standard is very good, it's personal taste as well. It has been few years, I can t recall if I would love it today!? I did when I watched it.

Red Tide is only 6 episodes (the finale ep - is total fail, I can overlook because previous 5 EPS were brilliant) Endings are very hit & miss in all storytelling.

I went through a phase where I never watched the last episode of any series for long time. I didn't want to know. The best parts are the middle. We can imagine how things would end - or don't even need it?

I'm looking forward to my book arriving today. Although, I have start of headache. I can't read. If I'm not around, that is why.

I only know of one section that a patient is moved to in our local psych ward. I have visited my friend once in that section. It was VERY difficult. Maybe you were moved there, or maybe they were re organising & you are still in main ward? 

You are doing good @EternalFlower I know it is very tough in there. We are with you- whenever you need a friend (or imaginary visitor 😄) I'm coming to visit you & I'm sure @Appleblossom is too. It sounds dumb - but, hang in there. 👍You are good internet friend to me. I'm enjoying our connection & having a lady to talk with. That's a really big deal to me. Really big! I'm grateful for you. 

Hello @Appleblossom I think you would be such an interesting person to know in real life. After reading your post yesterday - All I could think was ... Colours.. When you wrote that your are more complex than what the definition of complex is - I totally agree. You might have more colours in you than I have ever noticed in anyone in my entire life. Colours that have not yet been noticed before in life! 💚

I can relate to everything you said about sharing. I edited/deleted one of my posts to you guys about sh. Not because of hiding or shame, but to me there is a tiny difference between having my words out in the open for a few days vs. all of eternity (or however long the internet lasts for). It's a personal choice. I totally agree that sharing is very healthy - maybe the most healthy. It is good for the audience to read - more importantly it's awesome to be witnessed.....You mentioned witness in another post..... Important word.

I think you would be a great person to know. If you were my mum, I don't think I'd ever block your calls & I would love for you to give me a plant gift. I can only speak from my perspective - I can't comment on your daughter & I don't have a sense of what is going on there...zero judgement. 

And yes, I agree...$$ for thin air. What the heck?

Oh @EternalFlower I was reflecting how the nurse commented 'you are taking over the hospital ' as a half joke. When ppl say things like that - I don't know how to respond - or if a response is even required?? 

Ok. Bye.

P.s sharing recent art to add colour enjoyment. I made this one the same day @Appleblossom mentioned doing bridging work... uncanny 😊

I'm not happy with it overall. It's ok. I used my gel glitter pens & it looks a little bit magic.

 

 

 

[Appleblossom]

Hey @EternalFlower 

Thank you for your lovely reply. @maddison  I am actively exploring colours now in my life through my garden. I was a bit detached about colours as a girly thing through most of my life, because for me it spelled "privilege" being able to fuss about the bloomin colour of something, but I am secure enough these days to enjoy it genuinely for my own pleasure and sometimes we can make the choice so best do it with grace.  I prefer my colours to be based on natural colours tho when the fluoro look was in I did buy one pair of orange fluoro pants, now that they are washed out fluoro I like them a lot.

Today I went with my support wkr to 2 opshops.  She approved of my choice of couch for $85 to match my stuff.  Yeah green curtains and now a green couch when I can get it delivered.  The delivery was almost as much as the cost of the item, but it is nice and small and will fit in the small space, and nice and firm so it will be good to sit on.

She is trying to brighten me up and she loves big bold bright colours.  I bought a black rain jacket and black dress with bold pattern on it.  Then we did the dishes and girl power, we got heaps done.  Totally efficient we mums are.   Go Woman Power.  Woman Hours are often better than Man hours. Working out how to avoid the traffic, get bang for buck.

Tbh my story tends to put people off from having any suitable reply which leaves me always in a vacuum. No I do not want sympathy i want bloomin respect, and you have both been giving me that.  I love and am proud of my daughter.  She was bitten from the age of 6 weeks, by an older half sister who I was not allowed to discipline. None of the kids got adequate guidance and there was a lot of confusion with blended family, DHHS, and his exes. I stayed in the marriage too long, but my health was stuffed and I barely got out alive.  My daughter no longer needs money, she is very successful jobwise, so the plants in the pot may speak to her depth. In many ways she is driven and very like me. Thanks for saying that you would like to know me in real life. I was really isolated and very suicidal, when I came on the forum.  My mood is generally a lot better now.

Each  mother daughter relationship is unique that it is honestly a very tricky path to walk. You have to honour your own path with your own mother. I do not know all the ins and outs.  You seem a lovely sensitive thoughtful person. As I said there are some shockers out there, and quite often they are not the ones actually involved in therapy or mental health work, which is why stigma needs to be called out.  

All 3 of my children got a better deal than my sibs or ancestors got, but they see the problems and do not celebrate the pluses.  I do forgive her, cos I understand all the pressures on her. Eventually I hope she will be mature enough to talk things through and reconnect. I hope before I die. There were also a many plane trips involving many extended family and in laws getting into the girls good books.  SO many it has put my son off travelling. So there is a lot of lob-sidedness in the family.  He only went on on a one month trip with his father to see family in the states. Its on the wider family who did a lot of the tug of war and did not appreciate my contribution.  They call it 'parental alienation'. I am tired and over it being a secret or a shame, even upset about the injustice, but learning to live my life. 

I did get a bit triggered by @hanami's "totally" as I believe there needs to be a little nuance in human relationships. 

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower 

yep I can be one of your virtual visitors any time ... well ... posting can be any time I guess.

Hope you are a bit better.

@maddison 

Have to go and do dinner.  Fish and Mizuna salad with recipe from the net.

[maddison]

Hi @EternalFlower 

Lots on my mind today.

HM is being considered for discharge. He is not ready. His words & I completely agree.

Chats with his psych this morning. Emphasisng that they please listen to him. He might be crazy but he's not crazy💜

It will be a disaster if they release him too soon.

Feeling anxious. Waiting for a call.

xx