Compassion fatigue: When caring hurts too much

[Shino]

im so glad I found this thread, and that I'm not alone.

My adult daughter was diagnosed with BPD several years ago after struggling to come to terms with her childhood abuse.

We are close and I can see and feel the pain in her heart as I watch her struggle through day to day life.

A couple of months ago she bottomed out and is now in a semi comatose state. Her husband has a temper and there are many arguments. Daily I recieve calls from her where she's crying hysterically. Her children are suffering badly and I have them stay with me as often as possible to give them a break.

And I am almost at breaking point. Fatigue is a major problem for me, as is a tight and twisted stomach. I lack motivation, at work will stare at my computer screen blankly, wondering what I'm supposed to be doing.

But at the same time I wouldn't change a thing. She is my daughter, I love her, and I'm keeping her alive.

[CherryBomb]

Hi everyone,

And welcome to the Forums @Shino ! I've not had a chance to say hi because I've been away.

I've just gotten back from holidays and I have to say as a carer in both my personal and professional life, taking a break has been amazing. Sometimes you don't realise just how much you need it. I got to say though that it was a bit tough at first. I found myself worrying about the person I care for, and it took a while  assure myself that they would be ok. 

Now, I just got to find ways to find 'mini' breaks to stay sane.

I think a cup of tea is beckoning... 

[Baboo]

At the start of 2014 i had one day a week all by myself.

I am still appreciating this time as i obviously dont get it very often. You know what i did? i went to the same cafe every time and bought myself my favourite meal and an expensive coffee and read the paper before i went off to do the food shopping and paying of bills.

This time wasn't very much- but just enough to recharge my batteries a little so when i got home i was chirpy, happy and ready to take on the war zone of the home life for the next week 🙂 any thing small for your self once a week is a must do.

[Former-Member]

HI @CherryBomb,

I have read up a little on compassion fatigue and it. Seems to be a fairly new concept. It seems to apply more for people who are high in empathy and unsupported which are two things relevant to carer burn out.

However I think there are fundamental differences between professional carers and family and friends.So any research completed with one group in mind could not be applied to the other. One of the difficulties I have had in finding support is the lack of understanding for my situation.

Some of this I think comes from a lack of suitable language to describe how I am feeling. You asked in another post about a dissociative state. I know I will go into a "soldier" mode at times and I have been accused as stern for doing this. If you are an empathic person it may be necessary to do this to protect yourself from the excessive emotional distress of others especially if you are with them 24/7. I don't believe this is the same as disassociating.

Maybe if you are more of a sensing type of person you would be less likely to become isolated.

Cheers.

[Former-Member]

Hi @CherryBomb and all, just read my post and found myself thinking that what I was describing did sound like a disassociating state so thought I would have another attempt. There is an idea of active listening for counselors where the person is trying to really hear and reflect back an understanding of what is being said. It's not recommended if there is an emotional relationship. So maybe what I am trying to get at is inactive listening. 

I would be interested to know if this makes any sense at all to anyone else.

[maddison]

hi @Former-Member,
I like what you have written and think I can identify with both posts.
As I live with someone with a diagnosed mental illness who can become, as I would describe "manic" with endless conversation for hours and days at a time. Even sometimes if it is just 10mins, the dialouge is so intense, I become drained, or slightly overwhelmed from listening.
I think over time I have developed the skill of inactive listening, as you describe it. I still care, however, try/have to remain distanced or less involved.
At other times, when I am connected in coversation, it a completely differnet vibe, as opposed to "inactive listening" which I would describe as similary having a radio on, where you are listening - but not involved.
I guess I would describe this state as "pre - Dissocitaive", as in I still feel myself - I am connected whilst being withdrawn.

For me, a dissasociated state, is when i feel so completely overwhelmed that my emotions are blank and feel like i am auto pilot. It is horrible and uncomfortable.
Thank you for writing, I hope all is ok 4 u 🙂 Bye Maddi

[Former-Member]

Hi @maddison, I am pretty good thanks. I hope you are doing well too. I like the idea of the radio. 👍

[PeppiPatty]

Dearest @Former-Member

I need to re read your messages to get my head around these messages but I think that your bringing up an.....interesting and worthwhile piont. 

do you mean like.......some people want to listen to you and ask questions about you and listen

Whereas some people are so caught up with their own problems that when you say something...all they want to do is talk about them selves??

I think people who want to sit and listen and ask relevant questions feel isolated because often, if your like this,,,,you understand their pain and sometimes it can bring back memories of something they have experienced that is similar??

Does this feel right??

Ive got to read the other comments but I need to rush upstairs and see my very UN empathetic neighbour but........she hasnt many friends........

And @maddison...I care for my husband who is MI and well, yes, I am right there.....constant talk....... but it's like, he gives me constant directions in the car which sometimes upsets me

 somethimes it's wrong.......and I drive into the ocean if I listen to him 

sometimes I dont listen and focus on driving

 but the other thing is i have to listen to him because I feel so frazzled Ille end up somewhere in another state of Australia and I listen to him because he'lle get me wherever we go quicker.............

.It's a juggle......... 

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Shino

I just saw your message and Im so there...like @maddison and @Former-Member very interesting comment. 

How are you? 

My name is PP. PeppiPatty, what you write is definately where I get to with my beautiful husband. He is diagnosed Chronic P. Schizophrenia from birth. I wouldnt change anything for anything, jhe's my soul mate but I get almost big frown ....Im about to say something........if someone says.....oh, how hard. Yes it is hard but so is other relationships and I am so absolutely adored and he is such a gentle and compassionate soul......

I have also noticed that when we first started dating....it would have been very easy to tell Everyone......hey, please understand....I am a fulltime carer for my husband and he's got............... please understand if...........

And that was very wrong if I said that because everyone's got problems and he's got a big mouth to tell them himself if he wants.

[maddison]

Hi PeppiPatty,

Yes, I know what you mean too. I am sure this exact scenario (in the car) has happened to me....currently in a bit of a stress 😞