Compassion fatigue: When caring hurts too much

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @maddison

Yes....I know exactly how your feeling. There are some wonderful people online here.....People like @Appleblossom who cares for her son and @Ruth 

@Jacques and @hiddenite support each other online as well..........on their own thread called catching up.....it's......amazing reading it sometimes.

On the thread Nightshift, we all get together to say g'day to each other and write about daily stresses. Last year, I saw a silly doctor who messed around with my meds and these people supported me amazingly. 

My favourite person in the whole wide world is @Loopy if you didnt know.....he is a very compassionate man. 

Also the thread...Struggling To Be is from someone called @Aenoran who is very very clever and brings out the best in all. He writes of the noncompassion of society. Ive even written....not as intelligent and as ....spot on as @Aenoran through.

Someone called @Elly is often online and she is very clever and listens.....REally good stuff from her. She also asks questions and her answers are ......thoughtful and make you feel very heard.

[Loopy]

PeppiPatty , what a beautiful person, no need for any other words, those words of mine describe it all. I have buckets of admiration for you and heaps of sadness as well. "STANDBY YOUR MAN" a song from the early 70's I think.

Loopy.

[Loopy]

@PeppiPatty, couldn't help myself, the song was written and sung by Tammy Wynette..

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times
And he'll have good times,
Doin' things that you don't understand

But if you love him you'll forgive him,
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him oh be proud of him,
'cause after all he's just a man

Stand by your man,
Give him two arms to cling to,
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely

Stand by your man,
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

Loopy.

[CherryBomb]

Great points @maddison and @Former-Member

I like @maddison about the pre-disassociative state of inactive listen, intentionally switching off to create some type of distance before burn out. If this doesn't work then it's into disassociative mode.

May I ask @PeppiPatty @maddison and @Former-Member do you find inactive listening useful? I mean do you find that this is an effective way of preventing burn out?

I've certainly done it at time - stopped listening to give myself some breathing space - but I've found that it can make my loved one challenging too, which then leads to burn out.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @NikNik

Im trying to understand the preassociative listening because .......

poor partner is going through something....It might be that he's trying to feel like he's in control of intamite feelings again........and he's conatantly talking.......I'm in that place @maddison was writing about.........

@maddison writes;
For me, a dissasociated state, is when i feel so completely overwhelmed that my emotions are blank and feel like i am auto pilot. It is horrible and uncomfortable.

but then.theres these wonderful reasons why Im with him......he understands me.....I am completely adored. But then......Im completely overwhelmed.

Often I get on Sane Forums and say hello to my friends.

Then....a family member gets on the phone and I found out the other day, Im taking her problems out on my youngest son......

[CherryBomb]

Hi @PeppiPatty

@NikNik isn't on to tonight, but I thought I'd take stab at answering your question.

I think 'inactive pre-disassociation' is a term here used by @maddison and @Former-Member to describe how they 'switch off' as a way to care for themselves. Is that right @maddison and @Former-Member? Disassociation is when they go on auto-pilot because they are drained and overwhelmed and operating on their reserve.

Where do you think you are @PeppiPatty?

[PeppiPatty]

Im definately acting just.....I just not hearing properly. It's almost like a ..........automatic...Im completely overwhelmed. But Im also noticing that Im very sensetive to Mum's overreactive sensetivity which is pretty high this week......

i Dont know how to say to her that she is self reflecting all the time. And shes triggered by me. 

I dont know how to say it to her to get her off my back

[maddison]

Hi PeppiPatty,
I feel for you and hope you are OK.
When I get in to those states it usually takes me a couple days to decompress and start to feel myself again. It is very difficult to get through, if you want to chat, I will try to respond as quick as I can - I am not on here, but get the emails 🙂 Bye, Maddison

[maddison]

Hi @CherryBomb,
Thankyou for mentioning me in your post, I will try to answer your question about inactive listening.

I think it is a useful tool to have on hand, but is also a slippery slope if employed too regularly.
I think it is also very dependent on the dynamics of the relationship. I wouldn't want to use this with a child, or with someone who was obviously in need of support.
It is a delicate juggling act at times, those with MI are often more in need of support and 'ignoring' can exacerbate insecurities.
On the other hand, too much support can be damaging as well.
I think I really only use inactive listening when I feel that the conversation has already become one sided. And yes, at times it has made loved ones behaviour more challenging, to the point where things continue to escalate each day, but I don't feel I have the emotional/psychological resources to have provided support required, even if I had wanted to. ( pleases be aware, that my situation is with someone who is older than me, and not a child)

[Appleblossom]

Hello @maddison and @Former-Member and others

This is an important conversation and it is very interesting how it has morphed into how stress may bring out apparently pathological state of dissociation.

One parenting book I read as a young mum ... it discussed grades of attention as being a large spectrum from A - Z.  It is relevant when there is more than one child in a family .. eg as a mum is breast feeding a child and there are 2 others playing or whatever .... or the husband mutters something while you are trying to cook tea. 

I occasionally go back to it as an idea and it has been useful with my son. As the youngest he got more low grade P-Z quality attention than the older 2 children in my family who recieved a great deal of A-H good quality attention. It was not due to my lack of love but lack of availability.

For about 6-8 years my son was very long winded .. with days of incredibly intense conversation ... as was his dad ... as was I ... at different times in our lives.

For about 4 years he has managed to reflect when he is overbearing or too intense or long winded and catch himself ... in a non-blaming of himself kind of way ... so I have been pleased to watch his social skills sky-rocket ... he can now indulge other people's longwindedness ... even those who are proud and would not accept a psychiatric label under threat of death.  It makes me proud to see him socially and sometimes I remind him that others have to 'watch" themselves too ... and point out when they are being too controlling of him ... I can see a time when he will be well able to distinguish other's motives and make good social decisions. Growing up is a gradual thing .. it does not happen over night.

The levels of attention has evened out in our relationship.  He only wants a little bit of attention every week and a bit of practical chit chat and I am involved educationally and musically but we are pretty clear about things.

I had compassion fatigue in the past a lot  ... but I think I am able to manage my needs a little better and thus not damage my love for my child ... it is a win win for us.

I really liked the comment on the "Open Dialogue" thread. Which raised the question of a MH professional being involved in a person or family's life due to the social network being depleted.  It removes the blame issue ... which is divisive in itself ... as so often there is genuine love but lack of financial, social support, or knowledge and awareness that results in psychiatric outcomes ..

Just a few thoughts...